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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Skittles on September 25, 2004, at 20:00:44
After seeing my T for about 5 months, I was finally able to tell her about probable childhood abuse. Frankly, I don't remember much. Basically there are instances where I remember my father grabbing me in a rage and then I'm blank. I can remember everything leading up to each event vividly and a sensation of extreme fear, but never what actually happened. Anyway, after this session, my T touched my arm as we left her office. I was surprised as she had not made contact like that before.
At our next session, we talked more about these events. She asked me if I thought I had experienced csa and I told her that I didn't think so. Again, she touched my arm as I left. At this point I decided I liked it b/c it made me feel closer to her and that she genuinely cared.
By the time the next session rolled around, I was a mess. I had opened my own personal Pandora's Box and I couldn't stuff everything back in again. I told her that I had been doing a lot of thinking - trying to put pieces together - and that the results were frightening. I couldn't then and haven't yet been able to tell her what I was thinking about. She asked if it had led me in a direction I hadn't expected to go and I told her yes. Since that point, no touching at all. And I miss it. I've come up with 3 possible reasons on my own, but I wonder what you guys think.
1. Maybe she thought I was uncomfortable with it. This is probably the most rational answer, but of course it's the one I least believe.
2. The touching was a reward of sorts for opening up. I haven't been able to do much of that since, thus no reward.
3. I gave an indication that I might have experienced csa and, as such, have become the untouchable. Of course, I'm convinced this is the reason.
As for the the things I am not able to say to her, it's a lot of putting 2 and 2 together. Thinking of all the strange hang-ups and irrational responses I have to certain things and realizing that they all MAY be interconnected. I'm toying with the idea of sharing those things here before doing so with my T - to see how it feels. Here, I know I don't have to see facial reactions or worry about being treated differently. I don't know if I'll EVER be able to say, "Yes, it did happen," because I can't remember any specific act and I'm not sure I WANT to remember anyway. I don't really trust myself.
Posted by daisym on September 25, 2004, at 23:21:14
In reply to Why might T have stopped physical contact? (long), posted by Skittles on September 25, 2004, at 20:00:44
I want to answer you in two parts because I think there are separate issues in this post. As far as your therapist touching you, since it bothers you, you probably should talk about it. There is truth in what you said about csa issues and no touching. But not because you are "untouchable" but more because it might raise issues for you. My best guess is that she touched your arm from habit or in a gesture of reassurance and she hasn't consciously not touched you since. Again, I'd ask.
But as far as your memories go, I want you to know that it is understandable to not want to know what really happened. You have to ask yourself what going into the past will do for you. If the memories are blocked, but pushing out in other ways, then figuring out what happened will probably be useful in understanding your behavior and reactions to things or people. It is a confusing and painful process so don't push yourself too hard. 2 and 2 are not always 4 when you are doing this work. It gets a little easier when you've had a few conversations about this. A little...it isn't ever really easy.
I'm sorry this is coming up for you.
Posted by Skittles on September 25, 2004, at 23:25:31
In reply to Re: Why might T have stopped physical contact? (long), posted by daisym on September 25, 2004, at 23:21:14
What issues might this raise for me? I don't understand. Please explain. Sorry if that's a silly question. Maybe I should just know, but I don't.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on September 26, 2004, at 8:09:17
In reply to Why might T have stopped physical contact? (long), posted by Skittles on September 25, 2004, at 20:00:44
Skittles,
There are so many theories about the benefits/drawbacks of touching in therapy. I think you mentioned a little of the drawback in your post. You felt perhaps the touching was a reward for you. Do you feel that was as well or do you think your T just feels that way? Personally, if my T touched me on the arm (I get handshakes)that would thrill me to no end and I would continue to look for it every session. And if I didn't receive one, I would wonder why I was being punished. ANd I know it would become a huge issue with me.
Perhaps your T has realized this and has consciously decided not to touch any of her clients. This could also be a possible explanation.
Posted by shrinking violet on September 26, 2004, at 18:57:58
In reply to Re: Why might T have stopped physical contact? (long), posted by Miss Honeychurch on September 26, 2004, at 8:09:17
Hi Skittles,
I wish I could crawl into your T's mind and dig out the answer for you.....Perhaps, though, she isn't even aware of what she did, or didn't do? The touch may have been automatic on her part, something she wasn't really aware of? Conversely, the not-touching may have been similar for her. Did it seem like she did it purposely when she touched your arm? Regardless, I think you should try to bring it up with her, because it's the only way you'll find a satisfactory answer.
I understand your thought patterns, though. I wonder if T's really understand how what they do/don't do/ say/don't say affects their clients. The first time I cried with my T (well, the first time I really ever cried with anyone) my T asked for a hug afterwards. It was really nice....rocking back and forth, the whole bit. ;) The second time I cried with her, she didn't initiate a hug. If I asked for one, she probably would have accomodated, but asking for things isn't something I do. Later, I wondered why she hadn't hugged me, if I did something wrong, or what? I think, now, that the first time I did it, I must have surprised her (in a good way) and I clearly was very upset, sobbing. The second time, I was more subdued and controlled....the tears came, but I was more in control of them (or at least was able to make her think I was), and perhaps she didn't think I needed to be comforted in the same way.
I'm also sorry that all of this is coming up for you now. It sounds like your T really wants to be supportive and help you through it....I hope you let her.
Good luck.
Posted by Skittles on September 26, 2004, at 22:31:49
In reply to Re: Why might T have stopped physical contact? (long), posted by Miss Honeychurch on September 26, 2004, at 8:09:17
No, I didn't personally feel that the contact was a "reward." I'm just wondering if that's what SHE might have intended it to be. And if that is how she meant it, I would be angry at what I view to be manipulation of sorts. Like she would think I might tell things I'm not ready to talk about if she threw me these little scraps now and then.
Posted by Skittles on September 26, 2004, at 22:42:51
In reply to Re: Why might T have stopped physical contact? (long), posted by shrinking violet on September 26, 2004, at 18:57:58
Actually, the contact seemed extremely purposeful. Each time, she reached out from quite a distance and patted my arm. I can't explain exactly why, but I am 100% certain that it was deliberate.
As far as your T hugging/rocking you, I think it's lovely. I think I personally would be uncomfortable with a long embrace, but it sounds like it was exactly what YOU needed at the time and I'm glad she gave it to you.
I do, however, absolutely CRAVE a simple hug from mine. I didn't get that kind of affection as I child and I have always missed it. In particular, I want hugs that are just about me and providing comfort. My hubby hugs me, but I always feel like he's just trying to butter me up for "bed time activities" and when my mother hugs me, it's more about getting something for herself - meeting her own emotional needs. I just want a hug from someone who doesn't want anything in return. I mean, pretty much any stranger on the street would work at this point!!
Posted by 10derHeart on September 26, 2004, at 23:28:44
In reply to Re: Why might T have stopped physical contact? (long) » shrinking violet, posted by Skittles on September 26, 2004, at 22:42:51
You are reading my mind! I have 2 friends who do hug me almost every time they see me and those are JUST for me. So important. I know this is a cyber-hug, but it's all I can do for now....:))
--10derHeart
Posted by daisym on September 27, 2004, at 0:20:09
In reply to Re: Why might T have stopped physical contact? (long) » daisym, posted by Skittles on September 25, 2004, at 23:25:31
Skittles,
Regardless of your relationship with your therapist, there is a power differential. Especially if you have any kind of attachment to your Therapist. Touching when one person has power over another can cause old memories and feelings to remerge. Sometimes it is fear, sometimes anger, sometimes a longing for more. If you've been conditioned to respond to touch, because of csa or other abuse, touching by your therapist can open a can of worms.
That's what I meant by issues. I didn't mean to imply that there was something wrong with you specifically. Sorry if I upset you.
This is the end of the thread.
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