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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by tinydancer on August 27, 2004, at 11:53:22
This has probably been discussed for, and it maybe is a dumb and insignificant thing, but at my last session my T and I discussed it, and I got kind of irritated afterwards.
He's been looking SO good lately: he has grown his hair really long (Think Orlando Bloom in Troy) and he recently got new clothes even for fall, and every time I see him, I seriously, seriously swoon. He looks absolutely amazing. Like, you would crash your car staring.
Okay, so I'm not really one to hide my feelings, and I always say what I mean, and I like to give compliments (only honest ones of course). And I have been complimenting him a lot lately, because, well, he looks so nice! (Or as I succintly put it, so goddamn nice...) Ha! We got to talking about it and he mentioned how he feels kind of bad because he can't give me compliments (directly) because it is sort of against "cultural laws".
Is it? What is your experience? I notice that my can give me compliments but never exactly "YOU Tinydancer, look nice." It's always more like, "I like your jacket, Tiny D." Or, "Wow, look at how your earrings match your shirt..."
Why is it such a big deal to compliment a client? I know Dinah you talked about this before, feel free to re-enlighten us!!
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on August 27, 2004, at 12:59:25
In reply to Complimenting T/getting compliments from T, posted by tinydancer on August 27, 2004, at 11:53:22
I never get physical compliments, ever. And believe me, I try to look really good on Thursdays and I know I look cute! He compliments my intelligence, creativity, courage, honesty, etc. But has never commented on appearance or a new haircut or anything.
I think male Ts are really gun shy about any physical complimenting of female clients just to avoid any misunderstandings or any sexual harassment claims.
Posted by lucy stone on August 27, 2004, at 13:01:51
In reply to Complimenting T/getting compliments from T, posted by tinydancer on August 27, 2004, at 11:53:22
I have on occasion complimented my Ts clothing or told him he looks nice. I have also told him that he is an attractive man, which he is, but not swoonably attractive. He has never, every, complimented me unless I asked him directly.."Do you like my new haircut, T?".."Yes, it looks very nice." I don't think I want him to compliment, it would be a boundadry crossing and would make me uncomfortable. I am in analysis and lie on a couch, I wouldn't want to think that my T is looking at me in anything by a professional way.
Posted by asya on August 27, 2004, at 13:28:35
In reply to Re: Complimenting T/getting compliments from T, posted by lucy stone on August 27, 2004, at 13:01:51
This is an interesting topic, and in the nine months that I have been seeing my T, she has complimented by saying I am "wonderful", "smart" etc., but never a physical appearance commen...until recently. A few weeks back she told me she liked me dress and asked where I got it. and this was on my way in, before I had sat down on the proverbial couch. Since we are both females, and she is about 15 years older than me, I don't think the sexual harassment stuff applies, which is maybe why she's ok doing it. At the ame time, her in-session comments about how I'm smart, wonderful, etc. make me feel weird. I don't know, do you guys feel like compliments in the course of therapy are insincere because they don't reflect the T's opinion personally but his/her view of what would be beneficial for you to hear?
anyway, as for appearance compliments, I think the comments above about sexual harassment claims etc are right on for female/male therepeutic relationships.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on August 27, 2004, at 14:00:11
In reply to Re: Complimenting T/getting compliments from T, posted by asya on August 27, 2004, at 13:28:35
Aysa,
You touched on something I think about a lot. The whole sincerity thing. Many times when my T compliments me, I just laugh and immediately think he is saying that because as you say, it is good for me to hear and I have big self esteem issues. But we have had conversations where he says absolutely never says anything that isn't true just to make someone feel good.
I have no idea what to believe. While it is nice to hear these things, I still don't 100% believe them. And many times I just think that I have fooled him just as I fool most people in my life who think I am smarter or more creative than I truly actually am. sigh.
Posted by thewrite1 on August 27, 2004, at 14:48:40
In reply to Re: Complimenting T/getting compliments from T, posted by asya on August 27, 2004, at 13:28:35
I always have trouble believing anything my T says about me like that. A couple weeks ago I was in a bad place and felt I had to talk to her. During our conversation, she mentioned that she thought I am "a wonderful person." It was helpful to hear at the time, but later I had to wonder if she really meant it. At the following session, I asked her if she was telling me what she thought I needed to hear or if she meant it. She said she did, but I still can't be sure. I guess since I don't see myself that way, I find it hard to believe anyone else could.
Posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 15:29:03
In reply to Re: Complimenting T/getting compliments from T » asya, posted by thewrite1 on August 27, 2004, at 14:48:40
I'll bet your therapist meant what she said. Do you ever see yourself positively? If you don't have friends who give you lots of positive feedback to help you feel good about yourself, get some. Hmm. Good advice. Friends who feel good about *themselves* will do the same for you and it revolves. I think everything in life is like a circle, or a boomerang. You probably deserve to feel good about yourself.
Posted by DaisyM on August 27, 2004, at 15:54:52
In reply to Re: Complimenting T/getting compliments from T » thewrite1, posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 15:29:03
I don't give or get physical compliments from my therapist. Sometimes he'll comment on the way I'm dressed, usually if I'm really casual, which means I'm not working. He has asked about a bruise, which was large and obvious on my foot, so that tells me he does notice things.
But he does tell me, infrequently, how strong I am to keep working through all this and how articulate I am.
We recently had a conversation about caring. I was really upset and he said something about allowing him to help as he really cared about me. I said he had to say that, as my therapist. He was pretty insulted...made me tell him why I would think he didn't care, did I think all the time we spent together didn't matter. I even threw in the money thing, though I don't believe that. He acknowledged it and threw it right back at me, about my own clients. It was sort of an intense discussion and I know I pushed his buttons. But I trust him to be honest and not say things he doesn't believe. And even though I was pushing him away, testing him because I was hurting, I KNOW he cares. We couldn't have the relationship we have if he didn't.
Another thing -- when I train professionals who have client caseloads, I often remind them that positive compliments are a type of judgement and sometimes by giving positive compliments we set up the expectation that we will also feel free to give negative ones.
Posted by Aphrodite on August 27, 2004, at 17:02:28
In reply to Complimenting T/getting compliments from T, posted by tinydancer on August 27, 2004, at 11:53:22
My T has complimented me on my physical appearance on many occasions, and it's always been very nice and comfortable, and I've never given it a second thought. When he says, "I like your haircut," it's as normal and in the same tone as "Wow, you've made a great breakthrough." We talked once about my low self-esteem and how that included the way I look, and he said that if you gave my picture to 100 objective people, he was sure they would think I'm attractive. He said he was just being factual because I have a distorted view. I found it an immensely therapeutic thing to say.
Posted by lucy stone on August 27, 2004, at 20:27:27
In reply to Complimenting T/getting compliments from T, posted by tinydancer on August 27, 2004, at 11:53:22
I've been thinking some more about this in light of the responses. Therapists are only do things in therapy that are helpful to the patient. If it is not helpful or theraputic in some way it is unethical to do it. If compliments are theraputic, they are appropriate. Telling a patient she is smart and kind when she is but doesn't see it, is theraputic. Telling a patient she is beautiful if she is but doesn't believe it, it theraputic. Telling a patient she looks good when it is not for a theraputic reason is a boundary crossing, IMO. If he is telling her that because he appreciates her as an attractive woman but it not doing it to help her psychologically is letting his own issues intrude on the therapy and that is not ethical. I can hear my analyst's voice in my head asking me all his questions, why would I want his compliments, what would it mean if he complimented me, how would it make me feel, what are we recreating when he compliments me....all that analysis stuff.
Posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 21:45:08
In reply to Re: Complimenting T/getting compliments from T, posted by lucy stone on August 27, 2004, at 20:27:27
Does anybody have any ideas about what it says about the patient, if the therapist looks at her approvingly and she gets defensive?
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on August 27, 2004, at 22:48:57
In reply to Re: Complimenting T/getting compliments from T, posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 21:45:08
Looks at her approvingly how? As in a leering up and down look type thing? AS in an obviosly sexual assessment type look? Or just a glad to see you look?
I think I vaguely remember you saying something about this, that his felt somehow intrusive or sexual? If that's the case, I would say defensive would be the natural reaction. As much as I dream of my T professing his undying love for me, if he evn so much as looked at me funny, I would drop him like a hot potato.
Posted by Susan47 on August 28, 2004, at 9:14:01
In reply to Re: Complimenting T/getting compliments from T » Susan47, posted by Miss Honeychurch on August 27, 2004, at 22:48:57
What if it was maybe the 3rd appointment, and he looked at her hair, she had it done differently? And she could see that he thought it was nice, and he would've mentioned it (her husband was there too) but she gave him a look like, what're you looking at and she was *thinking* he looks a bit too patronizing.
But it did get to a point where one day she caught him staring at her chest (which chest is not exceptional) and his mind wasn't even in the room. And that made her crazy.
Posted by Dinah on August 28, 2004, at 17:12:44
In reply to Re: Complimenting T/getting compliments from T, posted by asya on August 27, 2004, at 13:28:35
Perhaps they make you feel uncomfortable because they're too global?
My husband and I did a lot of reading on parenting when my son was little, and there was a lot of emphasis (especially in Montessori, I think) on not giving compliments that are too broad.
So if your child brought you a picture, you didn't say you are a wonderful artist, a fabulous person, anything like that. You complimented the picture. I like the way you used color. I could tell right away that that was a horse - I think it was great how you used lines to show it was moving. Or you complimented the effort it took to make the drawing. I don't recall the precise reasons now, but I think they were along the same lines. Global compliments are hard to believe but specific compliments tend to build up over time and give a child a sense of confidence in their ability to do something.
I must confess to not being really good at that. I tend to tell my son he's wonderful. :)
But I think my therapist read the same books. I don't recall him using global superlatives when describing me. He won't tell me I'm wonderful, intelligent, etc. But he might remind me of things I've done that would imply intelligence. Or tell me of my specific strengths. He'll reassure me that I'm ok as I am. He'll tell me he likes me as a human being.
Or maybe he just doesn't think I'm worthy of superlatives. :))
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on August 28, 2004, at 18:22:47
In reply to Re: Complimenting T/ » Miss Honeychurch, posted by Susan47 on August 28, 2004, at 9:14:01
Ah yes, the old staring at the chest thing. While I can honestly say I have never caught my T doing this, I have caught just about every other man. And I have come to the conclusion that they don't even know they are doing it. Really. While it totally drives me crazy, I really believe most men have no idea they are doing this.
Posted by Susan47 on August 28, 2004, at 22:21:25
In reply to Re: Complimenting T/ » Susan47, posted by Miss Honeychurch on August 28, 2004, at 18:22:47
Thank you so much Miss Honey, I needed to hear the truth! Of course, men do this right? I've just never honestly seen it done so blatantly and overtly. I suppose none of his other clients have ever called him on it??? I'm sure he wasn't aware. I'm sure he does it all the time, and other female clients of his have responded as I did. Maybe not as schizo, maybe more. Maybe he always wondered why and this is his chance to be honest. What a mood I'm in. Blah. I'm sorry.
Posted by allisonf on August 29, 2004, at 11:00:36
In reply to Re: Complimenting T/ » Miss Honeychurch, posted by Susan47 on August 28, 2004, at 22:21:25
Sorry I'm joining in a little late here! Susan, I think that just isn't right that your T is cking out your chest even if it is an innate manlike tendency! All those little nonverbal cues are important in therapy. I think he owes you an apology...tho if I were in your shoes I don't think I would have the guts to talk to him about it in the first place. Ugh! Therapy can be so hard.
My T (a woman about 10 years older than me) has given me the more global kinds of compliments and has even complimented me on my hair and my pants. But one time I complimented her on her earrings and she got totally distracted and filled out my receipt incorrectly. I thought that was really cute! Then again she knows about my transference feelings, so she was probably freaked out by my attention! Oh well.
I thought that was really funny someone earlier said they try to look cute when they go to therapy on Thursdays! I do the same thing! LOL!
Posted by Susan47 on August 30, 2004, at 23:35:41
In reply to Re: Complimenting T/, posted by allisonf on August 29, 2004, at 11:00:36
See now my chest isn't even worth checking out and I think that's pretty obvious, which is why I think it's totally subconscious on his part. But it's a shame he can't control his behaviour a bit better.
This is the end of the thread.
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