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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by JenStar on August 20, 2004, at 13:16:36
hi all,
Dr. Bob offered the following advice reg. a previous post:"Sharing something about your own issues and their possible role in your reaction might be an interesting exercise -- and might help others respond to you supportively"
It sounds good to me, so here goes. Thanks in advance to those who wade through and decide to read this!
I think, upon reflection, that I am a person who likes to connect personally with others. I enjoy sharing laughs, advice, stories, and emotions. I like to talk about how I feel, how others feel, etc. I connect best with others when I can establish some kind of friendly overture ("I like you, you like me") thingy upfront. At work I can and am businesslike and brisk and 'tough' but I really do like to be warm, friendly, fun.
I don't mind getting asked tough questions, I like to ask them of others, and I LIKE verbal banter and arguments as long as they are relativily civil. I was raised in a family that was warm and loving and argued CONSTANTLY. We argue about everthing: politics, history, arts, books analyses, etc. Sometimes visitors to our home would get taken aback at the vehemence of our 'talks' -- and relieved to see that we were all still friends after them!
I respect how difficult it is to connect thru the written word, because so much is lost (body language, tone, emphasis, eye movements) and so much must be inferred. People have differing understanding of what words mean, how sentences work, and bring cultural and personal biases to language. (I remember a very interesting thread about this a while back!)Anyway, to get to my point: When I read posts that seem to be very non-emotional and non-supportive, it confuses & probably irritates me. I have a hard time understanding why people would continue to post here if they don't seem to want to give/get emotional support or honest advice from others. It also frustrates me when people (in my opinion) overreact to an outreach by someone else. It seems to be a lack of understanding, and it makes me want to lash out, turn off, and be mean. Obviously that is counter-productive and makes the situation worse, not better...I know this...!!
Since I do not consider myself to be a "mean person" (maybe a nice person with periodic streaks of "mean"!) this upsets me. I prefer getting along; I don't like to upset others.
I want to be honest but sometimes I have a tendency to be too blunt or to let my frustration carry me away -- I write before thinking.
I know that is not an appropriate response for me, the individual in question, and to the general morale of the board. I will try not to do it!
Anyway, I was feeling irritated and I guess I was sort of being mean-spirited and trying to antagonize a certain individual, and I suppose -- to be honest -- I felt a bit of self-righteous satisfaction that I succeeded -- and I HOPED that person was mad. Maybe I wanted to learn more personally about that person, and any emotion (even anger!) was more interesting to me than the non -personal posts I'd previous seen. And at the same time I know that's petty and small and I want to get along in the future with this person, if they would like to also get along with me.
I know that kind of response from me is really at odds with my personal mantra of trying to 'get along'.
Anyway! Thanks for listening. I know that was kind of a long ramble. Feedback is appreciated, if you want to do so. Thanks.
Take Care.
JenSTar
Posted by Susan47 on August 20, 2004, at 13:23:48
In reply to taking Dr. Bob's advice..., posted by JenStar on August 20, 2004, at 13:16:36
I like your honesty. I like Fires' honesty. I would like to say what I mean without having to feel like I must couch it beforehand in phrases like, "Take this with a grain of salt"... and then get interpreted in the worst way possible.
I enjoy your posts JenStar.
Posted by AuntieMel on August 20, 2004, at 13:57:32
In reply to taking Dr. Bob's advice..., posted by JenStar on August 20, 2004, at 13:16:36
Wow, you are right, that was long!
Sorry I can't be as verbose, but here goes.
I was raised in a family where one of the parents (dad) was emotionally abusive. We were always belittled and nothing was ever good enough (98 on your math test? what did you do wrong) That said I am very (hyper) sensitive to any language that sounds belittling and want to do what I can to bring people together. Trying for the happy family I never had.
On the other hand, I enjoy a good, rational debate. One that sticks to topics and doesn't become personal. In high school (the early 70s) in a drug prevention class we 'debated' the pros and cons of smokin' dope. I first was put on the 'anti' side and pretty much had everyone convinced that drugs were evil. Then I was put on the 'pro' side and managed to convince them that there should be no drug laws.
Those types of things please me. BUT only if the other person feels the same way. If they don't, it for sure takes the fun out of it, 'cause I don't want to offend (see first large paragraph)
You mention posts that are non-emotional and non-supportive. I agree with the non-supportive part of it, but don't think you have to be emotional to give good feedback.
And I suspect that your irritation was more to do with past history than the actual post you were commenting on;) I mean, this thread was started by him, so he wasn't giving a non-supportive answer, right? Your reaction is completely understandable. The whole thing got entirely out of hand, and the confusion of the Chimp's visit made it much worse.
You aren't a mean person, and I don't think in this case you were showing a 'mean streak.' It seemed like a reaction to past hurts. If I was as hurt as you seemed to be then I know I'd end up getting blocked for life, so I think you did show some restraint!
Personally (I admait I could be wrong) I think a lot of this started with things reading differently than intended. And it grew like an unstoppable avalanche. But now that we're at the bottom of the mountain, maybe we can all look up?
And, hey, if you really want to try to get along with him in the future, it wouldn't hurt to (cautiously) offer an olive branch, would it? If nothing else, it'll make you feel better.
Oh, crud. I meant to talk about myself like you did. I'm just not good at this.....
Mel
PS: I know this wan non-emotional, but hopefully not non-supportive??
Posted by JenStar on August 20, 2004, at 15:37:27
In reply to Re: taking Dr. Bob's advice..., posted by AuntieMel on August 20, 2004, at 13:57:32
hi Mel,
you're prob. right about reacting to past irritations rather than current. Thanks for offering feedback! I was interested to hear about your history, too -- it sounds like it must have been difficult to always strive to be perfect even if you were very darn good (hey...a 98 is AWESOME!)Fires, if you're reading, I'm sorry for snapping at you & would like to be friends - let's start over. What do you say? Are you up for it?
JenStar+
Posted by AuntieMel on August 20, 2004, at 16:21:26
In reply to thanks Mel olive branch to Fires - pls read! » AuntieMel, posted by JenStar on August 20, 2004, at 15:37:27
actually math was my best, and favorite thing. I'm ruled by that side of the brain.
It seems there wasn't enough grey matter left over for the other side of the brain.
No wonder I walk with my head cocked to one side.
Posted by AuntieMel on August 20, 2004, at 16:30:31
In reply to Re: taking Dr. Bob's advice..., posted by Susan47 on August 20, 2004, at 13:23:48
How funny. I think it's the 'please take it with a grain of salt' part that raised flags. Fires has had awful experiences with therapy and has posted about it, so he probably thought you were trying to bait him.
So take out the 'grain of salt part', and the 'am i right' part and add a 'why is that' part and it probably woulda been ok.
Oops. There I go giving unsolicited advice - and putting words into anothers mouth. Two of my worse flawss. Sorry to you and Fires both.
Friday afternoon.
Posted by Susan47 on August 20, 2004, at 18:55:56
In reply to thanks Mel olive branch to Fires - pls read! » AuntieMel, posted by JenStar on August 20, 2004, at 15:37:27
JenStar,
You are *so sweet*. That was lovely.
Posted by Susan47 on August 20, 2004, at 18:59:16
In reply to Re: taking Dr. Bob's advice... » Susan47, posted by AuntieMel on August 20, 2004, at 16:30:31
No no. You have a very good point. I like your suggestions on how my communication could be improved. I have a bad family history with that and I don't mind at all. I'm going to make notes, actually, on what you said. Please don't tell me that's weird though, I've heard that all my life. Ta.
Posted by Dr. Bob on August 22, 2004, at 0:46:25
In reply to taking Dr. Bob's advice..., posted by JenStar on August 20, 2004, at 13:16:36
This is the end of the thread.
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