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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 22 of 22. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by tabitha on May 6, 2004, at 1:48:06
The desire to quit therapy keeps coming back. It's so maddening.. I don't feel competent to make the decision. Maybe it's really not good for me anymore. Maybe it never was, or it was but it isn't anymore. Or I'm on the verge of some big breakthrough that I'm afraid of. How can I know? So if I quit, I'm just afraid of losing my timeslot (yes really), or of just bottoming out in huge depression and being alone. I can't even imagine life without it. It's like my religion.. it has all my hopes for a good future tied up with it. It's my whole guidance system. It's my growth path. It's my most intimate relationship. It's my only important tie. It's my primary attachment. To sever it would be like murdering my own mother.
I can't tell anymore what's me and what's just me trying to believe what my therapist wants me to believe. It just feels like I can't go on, I keep thinking 'Therapy is destroying my soul.' I have that very clear thought. Is that my sane self talking, or my defenses trying to stay alive? It's just too much. I can't take having my perceptions and beliefs ripped away, and forcibly replaced, week after week. It's too violent. Maybe the new beliefs are better, but is it worth destroying myself to adopt them?
I can't take another night of crying and agonizing over it. I can't take another week with the two little bombs in it-- the group and the individual. I can't lose another week of my life to being upset over therapy.
But if I didn't have it, all I can see is a void. No attachment, no hope, no path, nothing.
Maybe I just need a med adjustment :-(
Posted by Dinah on May 6, 2004, at 9:34:38
In reply to Contemplating divorce, posted by tabitha on May 6, 2004, at 1:48:06
((((Tabitha))))
No, of course it isn't worth destroying yourself. It's fine to learn new options and new ways of seeing things, but the result should always leave the essential *you* in place. Besides, I'm awfully fond of Tabitha just as you are.
There probably should be a fine balance there somewhere. Where the change isn't overly violent.
I wish I had ideas on how to find it. :(
You've been with this therapist a long time though, and she's important to you, I know. Can you try to help her see how this is making you feel and do some alliance restoration and the therapy version of couples work before you decide?
Posted by Aphrodite on May 6, 2004, at 10:02:29
In reply to Contemplating divorce, posted by tabitha on May 6, 2004, at 1:48:06
I haven't been around long, but are these thoughts of termination new? Specifically, have they been around only since you started group therapy as well? If so, that change along with the new stress of group in your individual session would certainly cause anyone to think about making a change.
I'm not sure since I'm not there yet, but feeling that therapy is such an essential lifeline is probably a very good sign. Does your therapist know how strongly you feel about it in your life? If so, does she encourage that? I would guess that it means you have a strong desire not only to survive but to thrive, and you know that therapy is the means to do just that.
I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but please know I have lots of sympathy for the confusion and anguish you must be feeling. Keep posting, and let us know how it evolves. Hopefully, it will turn into some beautiful lesson, then you can teach us!
Posted by DaisyM on May 6, 2004, at 11:40:42
In reply to Contemplating divorce, posted by tabitha on May 6, 2004, at 1:48:06
Tabitha,
Change is a part of all relationships so what once was comfortable might shift and be less so. I always think back to Dinah's post about fighting for the relationship...battling to preserve it in the midst of change, yours and hers.
It seems that you might want to pull out of group for awhile in order to strengthen your connection with your Therapist. I have no group experience but I can't imagine sharing my feelings, pain AND my Therapist at the same time. I totally get what you mean by the lifeline, it often feels essential yet decompensating at the same time.
I think you should talk to her about all this. In the meantime I wish you strength and peace.
Daisy
Posted by Angela2 on May 6, 2004, at 12:43:26
In reply to Contemplating divorce, posted by tabitha on May 6, 2004, at 1:48:06
Hi Tabitha,
If this is how you truly feel, then there must be some truth in it.Why else would you be thinking it? I think that cultivating your own beliefs and morals and values is a very important part of life. Struggling as people is one way we become who we truly are and struggling is how we create these beliefs, values, etc inside of us. If you think your T is holding you back from that and if you are not getting any benefit from going there, maybe it is time to move on. It is your money.
I wouldn't suggest stopping therapy altogether. If you think that there are issues in your life you need to sort out, that are messing you up, then maybe you should continue, with or with out your current therapist. And if you need meds, you should continue seeing a pdoc.
Best,
Angela
Posted by Angela2 on May 6, 2004, at 12:52:47
In reply to Contemplating divorce, posted by tabitha on May 6, 2004, at 1:48:06
Tabitha,
I just reread your post and didn't realize how fond you are of therapy despite these thoughts of yours. It sounds like some of the other posters have put in some helpful words and suggestions. Maybe you shouldn't quit therapy if you like it so much. I was only trying to show you what causes the creation of personal values and beliefs which isn't someone telling you what to believe and think. But maybe you could, like someone else said, discuss this with your therapist so you can have both of what you want.
I'll be watching for your post.
Angela
Posted by crushedout on May 6, 2004, at 21:43:52
In reply to Contemplating divorce, posted by tabitha on May 6, 2004, at 1:48:06
Omigod, tabitha, I can relate so much to almost every part of this struggle it's amazing. I have no idea how to help you (since I'm as confused as you are) but I'm so glad you articulated it that way. It's brilliant. You put words to things I didn't even know how to describe. And you made me feel less alone.
Posted by tabitha on May 7, 2004, at 0:46:20
In reply to Re: Contemplating divorce » tabitha, posted by crushedout on May 6, 2004, at 21:43:52
Well I'm still a sobbing wreck, but I made it through the session. She said something like that when she's not meeting my needs, like last session, it doesn't mean the caring is gone. That meant a lot to me.
She explained more how she's been trying to challenge my negative thoughts, that she says are the Critical Parent, but I told her I identify with those thoughts so much it feels like she's attacking ME and trying to destroy ME. We agreed about that much. I told her how hard it is for me to separate that voice and recognize it. I asked if we're trying to kill her, and she said no, we're trying to clean her glasses, so she won't see the past so much, and then she'll turn into Compassionate Parent. I really thought we were trying to destroy her. I feel better about re-training her to be Compassionate Parent. I told her it feels like a lot of my strength is tied up with those negative thoughts, and she said that Critical Parent is trying to protect me. I don't think I've ever heard anything nice about Critical Parent. It feels better to not think she's some evil aberration that must be destroyed.
Those were the key things. I'm still not looking forward to the group, but I'm going to try not to think about it until next week.
Thanks so much for all your posts. Being able to vent here and get some different perspectives keeps me from going over the edge between sessions. This stuff is so difficult.
Posted by tabitha on May 7, 2004, at 0:51:15
In reply to Re: Contemplating divorce, posted by Angela2 on May 6, 2004, at 12:52:47
thanks for the second thoughts. (And the first thoughts were OK too.) I didn't realize any positive feelings about therapy came across in that post, but I guess they did. I guess it is sort of the molten core of my life-- all the old pain meets all the new hope, and they duke it out.
Posted by fallsfall on May 7, 2004, at 6:17:17
In reply to Re: a rocky patch, posted by tabitha on May 7, 2004, at 0:46:20
Excellent. You are doing the hard work. It's wonderful how you can get in deep with your therapist and together come up with understanding.
Posted by crushedout on May 7, 2004, at 10:05:27
In reply to Re: Contemplating divorce » Angela2, posted by tabitha on May 7, 2004, at 0:51:15
> I guess it is sort of the molten core of my life-- all the old pain meets all the new hope, and they duke it out.
wow, that's a great way of putting it, tabitha.
Posted by Dinah on May 7, 2004, at 11:28:18
In reply to Re: a rocky patch, posted by tabitha on May 7, 2004, at 0:46:20
That relationship business is an ongoing struggle, isn't it? Actually, it's easier to maintain a good relationship with my husband than with my therapist. I guess my husband and I have an implicit agreement not to step on toes.
Glad it went better than you expected.
Posted by Angela2 on May 7, 2004, at 11:59:14
In reply to Re: Contemplating divorce » Angela2, posted by tabitha on May 7, 2004, at 0:51:15
Tabitha,
I just didn't want to seem like the bad guy telling you to quit seeing your therapist when it was something you really enjoyed. What I really wanted you to know out of anything else in my post was that personal values and opinions come from depending on yourself and struggling a little bit and not having someone tell you what to think. OK, glad I got that out.
Angela2
Posted by tabitha on May 7, 2004, at 20:47:07
In reply to Re: Contemplating divorce » tabitha, posted by Angela2 on May 7, 2004, at 11:59:14
I have that pain in the middle of my chest, like real broken heart pain. Still the heavy, heavy feeling. I'm no longer thinking of quitting therapy, or anything more drastic, yet the pain is still there. If I think about the whole situation for more than a second I'm crying again. I'm just going to bed. I feel like I could spend the whole weekend in bed.
Posted by crushedout on May 7, 2004, at 20:49:35
In reply to Re: Why does it still hurt so much?, posted by tabitha on May 7, 2004, at 20:47:07
I don't know why it hurts so much, but I know I've been there. I feel for you.I can tell you that it always gets better. Be as good to yourself as you can be and know that we're all here for you.
Posted by fallsfall on May 7, 2004, at 22:52:39
In reply to Re: Why does it still hurt so much?, posted by tabitha on May 7, 2004, at 20:47:07
(((Tabitha)))
I don't know why it hurts so much, but it does, doesn't it?
Try not to spend the whole weekend in bed. Push yourself - but only a little. If it really is too much then give yourself a break. Distraction can really help. Spending time with people you like can really help. Rent a good romantic comedy that you haven't seen before.
Eat lots of ice cream!!
Posted by crushedout on May 7, 2004, at 22:56:08
In reply to Re: Why does it still hurt so much? » tabitha, posted by fallsfall on May 7, 2004, at 22:52:39
Posted by tabitha on May 7, 2004, at 23:59:43
In reply to Re: Why does it still hurt so much? » tabitha, posted by fallsfall on May 7, 2004, at 22:52:39
I've run out of ice cream but I had a bowl of plain yogurt with butterscotch and chocolate sauce and whipped cream. A friend called unexpectedly and we're going out tomorrow. That will motivate me to make the house presentable, or at least the bit of it he'll see. I guess I'll have to get out of bed after all.
Posted by crushedout on May 8, 2004, at 0:03:55
In reply to Re: Why does it still hurt so much?, posted by tabitha on May 7, 2004, at 23:59:43
That sounds really positive, tabitha. Even if you don't feel great, it'll be better than staying in bed and I always feel better once I've cleaned my house, or even sometimes *while* i'm cleaning is the best part. And having a reason to clean is good.
Posted by DaisyM on May 8, 2004, at 0:13:40
In reply to Re: Why does it still hurt so much?, posted by tabitha on May 7, 2004, at 20:47:07
Tabitha,
I'm sorry you are hurting. I think it is a heart break in a very real way. All those old feelings squeezing up and out.My Therapist very recently said that melting down was painful but it’s ok to do a melt down. We can use the melt down to re-mold ourselves. “Life is not about finding yourself. It is about creating yourself"
I hope you feel better soon.
Daisy
Posted by fallsfall on May 8, 2004, at 7:41:24
In reply to Re: Why does it still hurt so much?, posted by tabitha on May 7, 2004, at 23:59:43
>I've run out of ice cream but I had a bowl of plain yogurt with butterscotch and chocolate sauce and whipped cream.
I like your creativity.
Sounds like you have a good plan. I hope that Saturday is better for you.
Posted by Dinah on May 8, 2004, at 9:36:12
In reply to Re: Why does it still hurt so much?, posted by tabitha on May 7, 2004, at 20:47:07
((((Tabitha))))
I'm sorry you're hurting.
This is the end of the thread.
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