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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by crushedout on May 5, 2004, at 17:43:29
OK, I feel like a complete lunatic these days and I appreciate all of you putting up with me.I ended up emailing her after all, but I did it because I thought she would probably be dreading seeing me and I wanted to put her mind at ease, not so that I could manipulate her or make her feel bad, so I think it was a good thing to do.
I wrote:
"I'm sorry. You're right, I think we both probably needed today off.
"I'm very apprehensive about tomorrow, but I want you to know that I feel I've learned some really important stuff from all of this and I'm looking forward to sharing it with you.
"See you tomorrow,"And she replied: "now I feel less apprehensive. thank you. see you tomorrow."
So I guess I was right and I'm glad I sent the email.
Just a little good news in an otherwise miserable life I wanted to share with y'all.
Posted by ghost on May 5, 2004, at 18:18:51
In reply to I'm completely insane (please love me anyway), posted by crushedout on May 5, 2004, at 17:43:29
Posted by pinkeye on May 5, 2004, at 18:24:11
In reply to I'm completely insane (please love me anyway), posted by crushedout on May 5, 2004, at 17:43:29
Hi Crushedout,
We all love you no matter what you do.
But, forgive me for this post, because I am going to be a little stern. I think you are way too obsessed about this therapist and your feellings etc. You have emailed her anyway, even after deciding to get one day off. If you cannot stop yourself from obsessing about this for one day, I think you are in pretty bad shape. I think this good email is again a manipulation on your part. (creating a better excuse for yourself to email her and contact her). Stop means Stop. Period. Sometimes, it is good to be a little stern with yourself and not give ourselves any leaway. If you go at this rate, you will soon become overly obsessed with her.
Try to take more responsibility for your feelings.
Sometimes, it even helps to distract yourself from your current problems so you get a rest. Try to do something else nice, like going to see a movie or read news etc. If you are focussed on your problems all the time, it is very very difficult to ever get out of them.
I have been there before and I know how I came out of it. Distraction is a real helper. Also realise that there are innumerable people who are worse off than you in the world. Life is not fair for anybody, and it is no use complaining about it all the time and getting sucked into our own miseries.
Sorry if this post sound a little curt, but I feel you need to take a more stern approach towards your own feelings.
I care for you and I love you. But I want you to become better instead of getting yourself immersed again and again in this difficult situation.
Pinkeye.
Posted by Dinah on May 5, 2004, at 19:06:26
In reply to I'm completely insane (please love me anyway), posted by crushedout on May 5, 2004, at 17:43:29
Posted by DaisyM on May 5, 2004, at 19:16:22
In reply to Re: I'm completely insane (please love me anyway), posted by pinkeye on May 5, 2004, at 18:24:11
<<<Also realise that there are innumerable people who are worse off than you in the world. Life is not fair for anybody, and it is no use complaining about it all the time and getting sucked into our own miseries.
>>>>I'll agree with some of what you wrote and I know you intended it to be supportive. BUT, (she says gently) I don't think comparisons are helpful. One of my major problems in allowing support has always been to minimize my own "stuff" as compared to the worse I've ever heard. And, if I can't fix it, not to talk about it...stuffing it all down inside. My Therapist has worked really hard to get me TO complain, to let it out, at least during sessions. And just because you can find someone "worse" off than you doesn't mean your stuff *isn't* painful. (Oh, I wish my Therapist could see me write this!!)
I think there is a big difference between venting and complaining vs. wallowing incessantly, so I know what you mean. (And no, Crushed, you haven't been wallowing. You've been sharing your pain.)
It is especially hard when you can see opportunities for change, and they can't, or won't. Often I have to step back from trying to make it all better for someone and just listen.I hope you don't take this wrong. I know you meant support. I just don't want those of us who have a hard time opening up to read your post as a reason to feel guilty about yet one more thing.
Sometimes it is OK to say, "I don't like this" and have someone say, "and that's OK that you don't."
Posted by DaisyM on May 5, 2004, at 19:22:15
In reply to I'm completely insane (please love me anyway), posted by crushedout on May 5, 2004, at 17:43:29
Crushed,
You are not insane. You've been in so much pain and anguish around your relationship with your Therapist. I just think you've lost perspective a little on who needs to help and support who here. You didn't have to make it better for her, though I know you feel like you need to.
I'm glad you might share what you've learned. Because it *should* be about learning about yourself and your connection to your Therapist should be strong and positive, the foundation for building a new you. If the foundation is shaking, then the rest of the building is too.
Good luck tomorrow. Be NICE to yourself tonight. And let us know how it goes.
BTW, if you can't be at least a little "insane" with us, than where can you be????
Hugs.
Daisy
Posted by Fallen4MyT on May 5, 2004, at 19:30:59
In reply to I'm completely insane (please love me anyway), posted by crushedout on May 5, 2004, at 17:43:29
Well thats cool cause you altered the letter and its so positive..way cool :)
>
> OK, I feel like a complete lunatic these days and I appreciate all of you putting up with me.
>
> I ended up emailing her after all, but I did it because I thought she would probably be dreading seeing me and I wanted to put her mind at ease, not so that I could manipulate her or make her feel bad, so I think it was a good thing to do.
>
> I wrote:
>
> "I'm sorry. You're right, I think we both probably needed today off.
>
> "I'm very apprehensive about tomorrow, but I want you to know that I feel I've learned some really important stuff from all of this and I'm looking forward to sharing it with you.
>
> "See you tomorrow,"
>
> And she replied: "now I feel less apprehensive. thank you. see you tomorrow."
>
> So I guess I was right and I'm glad I sent the email.
>
> Just a little good news in an otherwise miserable life I wanted to share with y'all.
Posted by pinkeye on May 5, 2004, at 20:09:37
In reply to Let's debate this » pinkeye, posted by DaisyM on May 5, 2004, at 19:16:22
Hi,
I agree completely about the benefits of complaining and venting out. Even many times you need somebody to take responsibility for your feelings, when you cannot really control them. That is why we go to therapist.But what I was trying to get at is, at some point (after you have vented out to a considerable extent and you have had considerable support from your therapist) you have to realise that ultimately it would be you that would do the necessary change. No matter how much a therapist listens to you, she/he cannot really make a change for you. That has to come from within you. That is what I meant by taking more responsibility.
I didn't want to add one more guilt to people otherwise consumed by guilt. Sorry if I had come across like that. I was just trying to point out that ultimately your therapist will not be able to change you by some magic. You will have to realize that it is you who has to change using her/him as a guide and support.
> <<<Also realise that there are innumerable people who are worse off than you in the world. Life is not fair for anybody, and it is no use complaining about it all the time and getting sucked into our own miseries.
>
> >>>>I'll agree with some of what you wrote and I know you intended it to be supportive. BUT, (she says gently) I don't think comparisons are helpful. One of my major problems in allowing support has always been to minimize my own "stuff" as compared to the worse I've ever heard. And, if I can't fix it, not to talk about it...stuffing it all down inside. My Therapist has worked really hard to get me TO complain, to let it out, at least during sessions. And just because you can find someone "worse" off than you doesn't mean your stuff *isn't* painful. (Oh, I wish my Therapist could see me write this!!)
>
> I think there is a big difference between venting and complaining vs. wallowing incessantly, so I know what you mean. (And no, Crushed, you haven't been wallowing. You've been sharing your pain.)
> It is especially hard when you can see opportunities for change, and they can't, or won't. Often I have to step back from trying to make it all better for someone and just listen.
>
> I hope you don't take this wrong. I know you meant support. I just don't want those of us who have a hard time opening up to read your post as a reason to feel guilty about yet one more thing.
>
> Sometimes it is OK to say, "I don't like this" and have someone say, "and that's OK that you don't."
Posted by pinkeye on May 5, 2004, at 20:26:23
In reply to Re: Let's debate this, posted by pinkeye on May 5, 2004, at 20:09:37
Hi Crushedout,
I just wanted to reiterate that we are there for you no matter what, and we love you dearly. You can share your pain freely here.
I was just trying to help you see the things from a different perspective.
Pinkeye.
Posted by crushedout on May 5, 2004, at 22:19:50
In reply to Let's debate this » pinkeye, posted by DaisyM on May 5, 2004, at 19:16:22
I agree with you, Daisy. I don't think it's helpful to feel bad about feeling bad, and talking about and asking for support.Thank you for telling me I haven't been wallowing. I really don't want to wallow. I would like to feel better, and I'm trying to. You guys have been helping me do that.
Posted by crushedout on May 5, 2004, at 22:27:41
In reply to Re: I'm completely insane (please love me anyway) » crushedout, posted by DaisyM on May 5, 2004, at 19:22:15
Daisy,> You are not insane. You've been in so much pain and anguish around your relationship with your Therapist. I just think you've lost perspective a little on who needs to help and support who here. You didn't have to make it better for her, though I know you feel like you need to.
I did it for me, too. I just want to improve our relationship so that I can use her to help myself get better. I think I've been pushing her away a lot and I need to start using my people skills to make our relationship actually work. The idea of her dreading seeing me was upsetting to me also. Now she dreads it less, and I feel better.
> BTW, if you can't be at least a little "insane" with us, than where can you be????Yeah, that's what I told myself, but I've even been worrying I'm pushing it with you guys! I know I must be frustrating to listen to go on and on. I feel bad about that.
Thanks, Daisy, for listening and sharing.
Posted by crushedout on May 5, 2004, at 22:28:37
In reply to Re: We love you dearly Crushedout, posted by pinkeye on May 5, 2004, at 20:26:23
Thanks, pinkeye.
Posted by gardenergirl on May 5, 2004, at 23:19:18
In reply to Re: We love you dearly Crushedout » pinkeye, posted by crushedout on May 5, 2004, at 22:28:37
Posted by crushedout on May 5, 2004, at 23:21:13
In reply to Hope next session goes well (nm) » crushedout, posted by gardenergirl on May 5, 2004, at 23:19:18
Posted by Dinah on May 6, 2004, at 9:23:26
In reply to thanks all. i'm very nervous. (nm), posted by crushedout on May 5, 2004, at 23:21:13
Posted by crushedout on May 6, 2004, at 9:26:11
In reply to Re: Good luck, Crushed. (nm), posted by Dinah on May 6, 2004, at 9:23:26
Posted by crushedout on May 6, 2004, at 21:34:34
In reply to thanks, dinah (nm), posted by crushedout on May 6, 2004, at 9:26:11
I told her how much pain I'd been in, but that I'd realized some important stuff. Like that I don't want to push her away and make her end up rejecting me. That I'd felt on Tuesday like I'd lost her, or was about to lose her, and I didn't want that to happen. That I'd realized (thanks to Dinah, Rigby, and others) that the cutting was too intertwined with our relationship so it was *not* like the drugs (which never really had anything to do with her) and that in order for our relationship to work, I had to stop. And so I'd stopped. I'd made the decision to stop.
She got tears in her eyes and so did I and she thanked me and said she appreciated that I cared that much about our relationship to do that.
The crazy thing is she brought up the possibility of adding a third session and using it to do DBT. I just think that's crazy because the second I stop pushing, I actually get what I want.
I learned so much (I really did) over the past couple days, mostly from you guys, so thank you. I hope I'm not deluding myself, but I think I have a whole new way of thinking about this. I really think things will be different than ever before. I feel sort of melancholy today, but much, much better than I have been.
Posted by tabitha on May 7, 2004, at 1:46:18
In reply to it went really well (mentions a ***possible trigge, posted by crushedout on May 6, 2004, at 21:34:34
wow, crushed. You did good-- you were so honest and direct with her. It sounds like a turning point in your relationship.
Posted by Dinah on May 7, 2004, at 4:32:34
In reply to it went really well (mentions a ***possible trigge, posted by crushedout on May 6, 2004, at 21:34:34
That's terrific, Crushed. My admiration to both of you. :)
Posted by fallsfall on May 7, 2004, at 6:26:59
In reply to it went really well (mentions a ***possible trigge, posted by crushedout on May 6, 2004, at 21:34:34
Great job, Crushed!
Honesty and openness triumphs again!
Posted by crushedout on May 7, 2004, at 10:07:28
In reply to Re: it went really well (mentions a ***possible trigge » crushedout, posted by tabitha on May 7, 2004, at 1:46:18
> wow, crushed. You did good-- you were so honest and direct with her. It sounds like a turning point in your relationship.
i hope it is. i really do.
This is the end of the thread.
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