Posted by pinkeye on May 5, 2004, at 20:09:37
In reply to Let's debate this » pinkeye, posted by DaisyM on May 5, 2004, at 19:16:22
I agree completely about the benefits of complaining and venting out. Even many times you need somebody to take responsibility for your feelings, when you cannot really control them. That is why we go to therapist.
But what I was trying to get at is, at some point (after you have vented out to a considerable extent and you have had considerable support from your therapist) you have to realise that ultimately it would be you that would do the necessary change. No matter how much a therapist listens to you, she/he cannot really make a change for you. That has to come from within you. That is what I meant by taking more responsibility.
I didn't want to add one more guilt to people otherwise consumed by guilt. Sorry if I had come across like that. I was just trying to point out that ultimately your therapist will not be able to change you by some magic. You will have to realize that it is you who has to change using her/him as a guide and support.
> <<<Also realise that there are innumerable people who are worse off than you in the world. Life is not fair for anybody, and it is no use complaining about it all the time and getting sucked into our own miseries.
> >>>>I'll agree with some of what you wrote and I know you intended it to be supportive. BUT, (she says gently) I don't think comparisons are helpful. One of my major problems in allowing support has always been to minimize my own "stuff" as compared to the worse I've ever heard. And, if I can't fix it, not to talk about it...stuffing it all down inside. My Therapist has worked really hard to get me TO complain, to let it out, at least during sessions. And just because you can find someone "worse" off than you doesn't mean your stuff *isn't* painful. (Oh, I wish my Therapist could see me write this!!)
> I think there is a big difference between venting and complaining vs. wallowing incessantly, so I know what you mean. (And no, Crushed, you haven't been wallowing. You've been sharing your pain.)
> It is especially hard when you can see opportunities for change, and they can't, or won't. Often I have to step back from trying to make it all better for someone and just listen.
> I hope you don't take this wrong. I know you meant support. I just don't want those of us who have a hard time opening up to read your post as a reason to feel guilty about yet one more thing.
> Sometimes it is OK to say, "I don't like this" and have someone say, "and that's OK that you don't."