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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by DaisyM on May 5, 2004, at 2:27:27
Life isn't fair. I've said that to my son a million times the past few weeks. He is pretty upset about how sick his dad has been. Me too! He went back to see his Therapist last week, "just to check in." They agreed he would come a few more times over the next couple of months, just to tune up his self-care skills. It is complicated but in the process of restarting his therapy, somehow I've disrupted my own. I "lost" my Therapist last Thursday, I couldn't hear him in my head or feel him with me.
I've been really depressed and sad again. I kept thinking it was too much work, too much pressure and stress and I was tired. Plus we talked about some very hard things on Thursday, which I didn't expect. I wrote some long, honest emails over the weekend. I took those with me on Monday, into our session. I told him it was the most efficient way to catch him up with my feelings. "Efficient", yup that's me.
We went 90 mph yesterday and still didn't have enough time. I couldn't feel better, I couldn't figure out why I felt *so* bad. And why I couldn't internalize my Therapist again. Neither could he, but he said he could see that I was in a place of tremendous conflicting feelings and it would probably just take us awhile to sort it all out.
He called me last night around 9, but I missed the call. I got his message and sobbed about missing his call. It was a good release though and I felt sort of better. He called me this morning and asked me to come back because he was worried about how flat I sounded.
So I went back in today and basically pleaded with him to tell me what to do *now*. I need to be productive, I have a huge event coming up Monday. I *can't* stay this sad and unfocused. So, we did three really great things.
First we went back to "where he went" -- meaning we tried to figure out what about Thursday changed something. We walked carefully and slowly through the conversation which was about power and dependency...we were talking about when I was a kid and how this dynamic had shattering results for me. Not only the sa, but the abandonment that took place. He asked me, "do you think you are afraid I will hurt you (emotionally) because you have allowed yourself to be open in such a way that I have the power to do it?" So we talked again about this primal need for connection. He told me he was glad I felt connected, he wanted me to and he said he wouldn't hurt me, intentionally for sure but he wanted me to know he was being careful to not push too hard and unintentionally hurt me. He thought maybe he pushed too hard on Thursday. I think it was more about the pain of the subject matter, not him pushing. Who knew it was a sensitive spot? He also said that he probably needed to say, again, that he wasn't leaving me like others have done. That no matter what I said, even if I wasn't perfect, he wasn't going to reject me. That because we talked about being abandoned, even if I wasn't conscious of it, I might be keeping him out due to this old fear. I told him I didn't want "forever" therapy but right now I wanted all day and all night therapy. He smiled and said he was glad to hear me say that and it was OK to want that. Because wanting that meant I didn't want to be alone in it anymore. And that was a huge piece of last Thursday -- how alone I felt as a kid because of all the stuff I had to hide. I said I can't imagine what it would be like having to feel all this without him, and he said, "aren't you glad that is one thing we don't have to figure out, because I'm right here. You aren't without me." It took awhile but I started to believe him again.
Second thing we did was go through all the things that usually help me get out of the big black depression hole. In reviewing "what works" we discovered that I haven't been journaling, we haven't been writing "together" and I haven't been posting as much. So my assignment is to write and write and write. He thinks it is a way for me to discharge so much of this. And he said he would think of homework assignments again, AFTER next week, because he knows I'm swamped.
3) We made appointments tomorrow and Thursday to work specifically on my fears around the event next week. I'm going away for three days with my staff, which is fun but a ton of work. I have to be "on" for three days. No places to hide and no Therapist. (Yes, I did try to bribe him into coming and staying stashed in one of the cabins at the ranch!) We are going to walk through the agenda item by item, look for triggers, role play possible challenges and figure out a plan for keeping me (somewhat) put together. He wants me to incorporate "what would my Therapist tell me here" into the possible hard parts and he wants me to stop and "feel him holding me safe" all three days as part of my private agenda, which we are creating. He even offered to babysit the younger me next week, he said she could stay in his office until I got back, if that is what I needed.
So tonight I feel better. I'm not sure I hear him yet in my head, but I have faith I will soon. I'm open to suggestions for internalizing your Therapist or how you get through some of the tough spots in therapy.
I keep thinking this should be getting easier somehow. *sigh*
Posted by gardenergirl on May 5, 2004, at 6:06:30
In reply to How Today Went (long), posted by DaisyM on May 5, 2004, at 2:27:27
Oh Daisy, what a wonderful T you have. I'm so impressed and inspired. I especially love the idea of him babysitting young Daisy while adult Daisy has to go away for work. What a lovely concept.
I'm sorry I don't have any real advice to give. I think working on the public and private agenda's to make sure you have reminders that you are not alone is a great idea. Let us know how it works.
I'm glad the event will be fun, but I can't help thinking that it will be stressful, too, and at a bad time. Please take extra special care of yourself.
((((Daisy and her T))))
gg
Posted by fallsfall on May 5, 2004, at 7:34:51
In reply to How Today Went (long), posted by DaisyM on May 5, 2004, at 2:27:27
Excellent.
It is so great that the two of you could work through what made Thursday hard. That way it can be a little less hard, and you can feel more confident that you won't unknowingly step into a similar hole later on.
Knowing how to climb out is valuable. I know that you *really* want to climb out. Now you don't have to feel frustrated that you don't know how to climb out, in addition to everything else. That should help you feel a little better.
I like your therapist. Plan, plan, plan. He's my kind of guy!!!
You are in such good hands, and you are such a strong person (even if it doesn't feel that way sometimes). It will all work out in the end.
You might consider asking him for a picture to take with you for next week (mine is tiny, but it is enough to help me through the rough spots). Usually, I just keep it in my room, but when things are really rough, I carry it in my pocket (so tiny really is better, even). If he isn't comfortable with that (though I can't imagine that your therapist would have a problem with giving you a picture), perhaps he can give you something else (again, tiny is good) as a transitional object. Don't feel weird about needing that - I think that toddlers are brilliant. And the "adult" world does this more than you probably realize -
people have pictures of loved ones in their houses and wallets,
many "heirlooms" aren't heirlooms because they are valuable - they are important because they have sentimental value (it is all the same thing),
when adults are away from home they often call every day to connect,
we see things in the world that "remind" us of people we care about and that makes us feel warm and fuzzy.
So, if you bring a picture or some other object with you, you are just making sure that you will have a "trigger" near you to bring the *good*, *safe* feelings close. It just is another way to take care of yourself.
Daisy, you are doing a GREAT job in a very difficult time.
Falls.
Posted by Dinah on May 5, 2004, at 8:34:02
In reply to How Today Went (long), posted by DaisyM on May 5, 2004, at 2:27:27
Daisy, I don't have any sage advice to offer, but I experience something similar (or perhaps not similar - I'm decidedly odd in some ways). Part of what is helpful to me in therapy is the sense of connection. And it seems to be something that the emotional part of me is sensitive to. Not only with my therapist, but in general. That part of me sees more in images than in pictures. I always tell my therapist that I see better with my eyes closed. :) It also makes me good at picking up whether people are upset, if people have had fights, etc. when I'm IRL. OK, it sounds a bit nuts, and I would assume I am, except that it's been validated too many times - including by my therapist.
Anyway, the point of that diversion is that the first thing I do when I sit down is send out whatever little sensory tentacle I have, or open the receivers or whatever, to "feel" my therapist. And if he's not there, I get enormously upset. Out of proportion upset. We've tried to figure it out. Sometimes he'll admit that he's thinking of something else, and will bring himself back fully to the room, and I'm ok again. Sometimes we figure *I'm* out of touch and that's why it isn't there. Sometimes we haven't a clue. (In which case I always assume he's just having an off day and really *isn't* there.)
All this may be apropos of absolutely nothing. :) But perhaps you have finely tuned radar as well.
Posted by ghost on May 5, 2004, at 9:59:48
In reply to How Today Went (long), posted by DaisyM on May 5, 2004, at 2:27:27
i just want to say how lucky you are to have such an incredibly wonderful-sounding therapist, and it really sounds like you're on the right track. hang in there, 'cause it sounds to me like things are falling into place for you.
Posted by Aphrodite on May 5, 2004, at 12:25:13
In reply to How Today Went (long), posted by DaisyM on May 5, 2004, at 2:27:27
I'm glad to hear that wanting all day and all night therapy is a good thing! I would much rather get through everything all at once, no matter how long it takes. It is so hard to try to go deep knowing that in an hour you have to return to the "real world."
Even though you didn't feel him, you acknowledged it and now you can figure out why. I hope you post about today's session. You did have another one, right?
Good luck on your retreat, and I also want to send positive thoughts for your son. I hope he is doing better too. I'm sure it helps to have such a wonderful and caring Mom :)
Posted by DaisyM on May 5, 2004, at 19:52:41
In reply to marathon therapy, posted by Aphrodite on May 5, 2004, at 12:25:13
I told my Therapist once that I wanted to take a week off work and just push through all this stuff, bring it ALL out and deal with it "once and for all!" That was last October. He got real serious and told me in no uncertain terms that I was NOT to attempt this, that there was a reason we did it in small pieces, together, and pushing too hard could result in a psychotic break. He said we have to respect just how much I can take at anyone time and that forcing wouldn't help it anyway.
So many times since then I have wanted to try it anyway. But the truth is, I cycle up and down and I can't control it much. New memories surface and we touch places that I didn't/don't expect to be painful and they are. So then we have to process that. It helped me to know that lots of people have taken lots of time to get through their memories and feelings. Antigua really helped me when she shared how long it took her to reach some of her memories and talk about them. It also helped me to learn that it was "normal" to feel like you were coming undone, that all your coping skills didn't work anymore and that you were in complete crisis. Especially if it was the first time you ever talked about long ago secrets.
So I guess it is OK to want all day/night therapy. Just don't force yourself to do what you aren't ready for.
I did post about today's session below. Thanks for asking. I don't want you guys to get sick of hearing about all this. :)
Daisy
Posted by gardenergirl on May 5, 2004, at 23:15:43
In reply to Re: How Today Went (long) » DaisyM, posted by Dinah on May 5, 2004, at 8:34:02
> It also makes me good at picking up whether people are upset, if people have had fights, etc. when I'm IRL. OK, it sounds a bit nuts, and I would assume I am, except that it's been validated too many times - including by my therapist.
Dinah, I'm not sure if we talked about his before (if so, just slap me and make me say "D'Oh!"), but I think this makes perfect sense. You are what Elaine Aron would call a Highly Sensitive Person. It's not nuts or weird, but it is something that only a minority of people are.
Take care,
gg
>
Posted by Dinah on May 8, 2004, at 9:52:03
In reply to Re: How Today Went (long) » Dinah, posted by gardenergirl on May 5, 2004, at 23:15:43
Thanks Gardenergirl. :) I think we have discussed it, but it never hurts to get another reminder. I tend to denigrate the trait while I mention because I'm afraid it sounds ridiculous. I suppose I should try to get over that.
I'm glad you reminded me though. Elaine Aron has come out with a book about children "The Highly Sensitive Child : Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them" that I really need to get. My son inherited his HSP traits from me.
I also need to find a book on helping the child who is just too darn good. I guess there's not a flock of people waiting to buy that book. The too good child doesn't cause a lot of trouble for parents, just for themselves.
Posted by gardenergirl on May 8, 2004, at 10:42:03
In reply to Re: HSP » gardenergirl, posted by Dinah on May 8, 2004, at 9:52:03
It was ringing a vague bell that we had chatted about this before. I find I occasionally need an "Aron booster," when I am down on my own sensitivity and feeling psychologically sunburned. I even had one entire session with my T when all I did was rant and complain that I didn't want to be sensitive and I should be able to make it go away. Yuck. Talk about cutting off a vital part of yourself.
Don't know of any "good kid" books. Perhaps you could write one! In your free time, of course. :)
Take care,
gg
Posted by Dinah on May 8, 2004, at 21:32:02
In reply to Re: HSP » Dinah, posted by gardenergirl on May 8, 2004, at 10:42:03
Well, if I manage to raise him without him ending up as a therapy lifer, I might give it a try. :)
I can see the pitch to the publisher. "Yes, the idea is about how to help children who are too good. Children who never give their parents a moment's worry."
I can see the parents lining up to try to cure that problem. :) We went to a parenting class on Spirited Children, and the other parents were underwhelmed with our troubles. lol.
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