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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Poet on April 29, 2004, at 11:15:21
I've been crying non stop all morning. Monday, we moved into our new house, yesterday I came back to work and was forced to resign my job. Today I came in and all my stuff was packed in a box. I'll get paid for two weeks because I gave written notice.
The job wasn't working out from the start, I knew that, but it took me five years to get it. I talked to my therapist for an hour last night that this has triggered my intense fears of abandonment and rejection. No one has ever wanted me, no one ever will. My husband doesn't need me, I'm useless, now I can't even help pay the mortgage.
I see her at 4:30, but I don't feel like going. I just want to binge and binge until I burst, purge and binge again. Maybe I'll choke to death, that would solve everything.I'm so tired from crying and I haven't slept in two days. I wish I could just lay down and not wake up again.
Poet
Posted by holymama on April 29, 2004, at 11:41:37
In reply to Depressed- it's time to give up, posted by Poet on April 29, 2004, at 11:15:21
Oh, Poet, I understand. I'm crying for you right now because I understand too well how you're feeling and I wish you could just have a glimpse of light through all of that darkness. I know when I am so down that I want to give up, I feel like I just need one little glimpse of happiness/ or hope/ or God/ or whatever you yourself call it...and then I would remember how important it is to hold on. Just hold on Poet. Depression always ends. That is the one certainty about it. And when it is done, you know that something good always comes out of it -- a new attitude, a change of jobs (it must have been something you needed to do), something hard to come, but necessary.
Someone once gave me this advice when I was having a hard time and it really helped me, maybe it will help you. I'll substitute your name for mine:
Poet,
I firmly believe that God gives us the trials He is confident we can handle. If your troubles seem huge and insurmountable, look at the other side of the coin-- that is God TELLING you,
"My Dear Daughter, that is how much strength you have. You
have enough strength to get beyond this".If you were really truly weak, needy and confused, the biggest challenge God would have given you would be what color dress to wear this morning.
I hope you feel better soon. Let us know.
Love Autumn
Posted by rainyday on April 29, 2004, at 12:04:45
In reply to Depressed- it's time to give up, posted by Poet on April 29, 2004, at 11:15:21
Oh, Poet, I am so sorry you are feeling so badly. You know that this deepness you're in will pass and your life and the world around you will be better. Please see your T today and remember all the people here at Babble who are rooting for you and your spirit.
((((Poet))))
Posted by Dinah on April 29, 2004, at 13:03:20
In reply to Depressed- it's time to give up, posted by Poet on April 29, 2004, at 11:15:21
Poet, I'm so sorry. I remember how excited you were to get this job, and how many hopes you had for it. It must really hurt that it didn't work out. I know it's probably too early to tell you this, but there will be other jobs. Ones that are a good fit for you.
And your husband does *not* see you as someone whose worth is measured by the mortgage contribution you make. You are sooo much more than that. I remember once crying to my husband that I was worthless to him because he was the primary breadwinner and I couldn't contribute my fair share. He got so angry with me!
It's a lot of changes at once. Anyone would be shook by that, and we're probably more likely to be shaken than most. Treat yourself with gentleness and kindness right now. It's not only the right thing to do for yourself, but it's also the pragmatic thing to do. Try to resist the urges, call your therapist if you need to. Do you have a psychiatrist or family doctor who can help you with some medications to help you get some sleep? Lack of sleep makes all situations look even worse than they are.
If you need contact to stay focussed, post away here, call a friend, ask us to meet you in Open. Sometimes connection with others helps keep the brain from twisting on itself in continuous futile loops that see only despair and not hope. My therapist is so good at helping me gently untangle the knots of my thoughts. Is yours?
Everything will work out, maybe not as you intended, but it will work out ok. Deep breath. Inhale, two, three, four. Hold, two, three, four. Exhale, two, three, four.
Posted by Aphrodite on April 29, 2004, at 13:29:59
In reply to Depressed- it's time to give up, posted by Poet on April 29, 2004, at 11:15:21
I am new here and don't know you very well. Even so, your post brought tears to my eyes. I can tell you are someone who puts others first; you sound so fragile and gentle. If I care very deeply about your suffering, those around you do so much more. I hope you can make it to your appointment today, but don't punish yourself if you just cannot do it. At least call and say why you can't make it.
Many good thoughts coming your way . . .
Posted by shadows721 on April 29, 2004, at 13:31:03
In reply to Depressed- it's time to give up, posted by Poet on April 29, 2004, at 11:15:21
Poet,
You are beating yourself up with your own thoughts and comments to yourself. Look at this.
"No one has ever wanted me, no one ever will"
NO ONE... This is not true. No one on in your whole life or on this planet would want you? This is not a true stmt. NO ONE EVER WILL.... Come on here, You can tell the future too. This is not so.
"My husband doesn't need me, I'm useless, now I can't even help pay the mortgage."
This is a really false stmt. It sounds like he needs you more than ever now. How are you totally useless? Yesterday, I met a woman in an drug store that barked and shook and worked. She wasn't useless and neither are you.
"I just want to binge and binge until I burst, purge and binge again. Maybe I'll choke to death, that would solve everything." How is binging getting rid of all this negative thinking? Choking to death would solve everthing?
This is totally illogical thinking that is feed by depression. You know this. It's one thing to be depressed, but you are telling yourself the worst.
Your husband is there still, so he must still want you. Your bases of living shouldn't be him anyway. So, this job didn't work out. There are others out there. This isn't the only one out there. You may find one that was way better than this. How will you find out if you are just eating ice cream hoping to die.?
Change your thinking - You are in a new home. Wow, that's wonderful. you are going to have time off to decorate it and look for a new job. Push the tissues aside and get the help wanted ads out. You have some living to do Poet. Stop getting in the way of progress.
Posted by Poet on April 29, 2004, at 15:42:40
In reply to Depressed- it's time to give up, posted by Poet on April 29, 2004, at 11:15:21
I spent five years trying to get a new job, I had at least 25 interviews and no offers. It took me 1 1/2 years of therapy to try again. I did it- got a promotion within the company I worked for. I felt so good and alive and bought a new house. I had self-confidence for the first time- ever.
What else ails me: depression (obvious, sorry) social anxiety and bulimia.
I haven't been posting much since I got the new job, I guess that's my former job. Thanks for responding to me, I appreciate your support and hope I can return it.
Poet
Posted by Aphrodite on April 29, 2004, at 16:13:31
In reply to A brief history of Poet for those who are new, posted by Poet on April 29, 2004, at 15:42:40
Thanks for helping me get to know you. Did you make it to your appointment today?
I know how important careers can be to our sense of well-being and our self-esteem. It's such a part of our identity. I understand why you must feel so low.
Wishing you all the best and better days ahead.
Posted by shadows721 on April 29, 2004, at 17:16:55
In reply to A brief history of Poet for those who are new, posted by Poet on April 29, 2004, at 15:42:40
When I was a clerical, I went on 62 interviews. I still have the list to remind me to never go back into that field. I was too young, too old, too experienced, too inexperienced. I wasn't the problem. It was the market was too full. The companies were literally swamped with hundreds of resumes. I finally did get a job with a boss from Hell for little pay. Whew, talk about a walk up call. I don't know what occupation you are in, but it may the field. Plus, if you live in a business metropolitan area, you can expect want ads are answered in the hundreds.
Your original post had a lot of negative views about yourself. In my eyes, I just couldn't let you keep doing that to yourself and not intercept those destructive thoughts. You have just gotten a house. While this is absolutely wonderful, I got a gut feeling there is a sense of fear of success. That's why I said what I did. If you really want this place, you can work two jobs to keep it. Heck, I know of people that work 4 jobs to keep a sports car. I know it sounds impossible, but they do it. It's because they want it that bad. If you want this place that bad, you will find a way. Yes, you may have to work at places you never thought of, but you gain experience from every experience.
If you think Shadows is going to sit hear a let you abuse yourself, think again. I am your worst enemy, because I am all in your best interest and I care about you. Depression, social anxiety and bulima, can be worked with. Now, if you said you had no head, hmmm that's a bit more difficult.
You've got a lot going for you. I can tell. You know why? You are very creative in destructive thinking. Just think what you could do if that thinking were turned into your best interest?
For example, you think this husband doesn't need you and you just got a new mortgage. Hmmmm? I guess you can mind read too. I bet that is far off the charts in his mind. Use this creative thinking to your benefit Poet.
Posted by Fallen4MyT on April 29, 2004, at 17:26:26
In reply to Depressed- it's time to give up, posted by Poet on April 29, 2004, at 11:15:21
Please don't give up there IS hope..it just doesnt SEEM like it and your worth is not in a job, or a house its in your heart and you have a huge one..I have seen posts from you on the boards and am praying for you
HUGS
Posted by noa on April 29, 2004, at 21:45:43
In reply to Depressed- it's time to give up, posted by Poet on April 29, 2004, at 11:15:21
Poet, I am so sorry to hear about all of this. Please don't give up, although I understand how hard it can be in such trying circumstances to hold on to hope. You are in crisis, so right now everything looks its bleakest. Please, just get through this one step at a time--you will start to see other ways of coping and solving the problems, even tho right now it seems like there is only one way. Please hang on.
Posted by beatrix34 on April 29, 2004, at 21:53:09
In reply to A brief history of Poet for those who are new, posted by Poet on April 29, 2004, at 15:42:40
Hi Poet -
I am new to the site and feel for you. I just left a career that I had for 12 years to be with my husband in a new country. He is the main bread winner right now and I TOTALLY understand the feelings of worthlessness. I am trying to learn, in my world, that my self-esteem and my self-worth are in no way tied to my job or the amount of money that I make. This is SO hard, especially with the amount of emphasis that society/media and even family sometimes can place on these things.
I am struggling with my self-esteem, as well as anxiety and depression. I send you a BIG HUG and try to have faith, that even though maybe you can't see it right now...there is a light at the end of this tunnel we are slowly wading through. We just need to get through one day, and sometimes on hour or even minute at a time.
Beatrix
Posted by DaisyM on April 29, 2004, at 23:52:29
In reply to Depressed- it's time to give up, posted by Poet on April 29, 2004, at 11:15:21
Poet,
Hang on to your husband. Hang on to your Therapist. Just plain hang on. This despair will pass. You will find out what you are meant to do and what your career should be.
Your career is such a small part of who you are. Don't measure your worth that way. You've always been so helpful to me. I wish I had wise words. But things have a way of working out. You just have to hang on.
Sending you good thoughts.
Daisy
Posted by Penny on April 30, 2004, at 9:02:41
In reply to Depressed- it's time to give up, posted by Poet on April 29, 2004, at 11:15:21
(((Poet)))
I hope today is a brighter one for you. I know how much work troubles can bring mood down.
Anything I can say will just be repeating what others have said - you AREN'T useless - your value as a person is NOT determined by your ability or inability to financially contribute to anything. I don't know your hubby, but I feel sure that he loves you regardless, and that his love for you has nothing to do with whether you can help pay the mortgage or not. And I think you know that too, but the depression is speaking right now.
Was your therapist helpful yesterday? I hope so.Do what you have to do right now to get by, Poet. You know, as we all do, that this too shall pass. It sucks, it hurts, it's excrutiatingly painful right now - but it's not a forever feeling. Hang in there.
(((((Poet)))))
P
Posted by sjb on April 30, 2004, at 9:04:04
In reply to Depressed- it's time to give up, posted by Poet on April 29, 2004, at 11:15:21
Oh, my gosh, I've been where you've been many times. I can REALLY relate to what you are going through now. You can't see it now, but you're thoughts are distorted. (Guess we've all read the CBT stuff, in your case, classic "labeling" and "over magnification"). I really urge you to continue therapy. I've thought of quiting many times and, in fact, am now doing a "Chain Analysis" of my history of throwing-iin-the-towel as part of my homework from my therapist. It really made me see how I was magnifying a lot of things, underlying triggers and that beating myself up NEVER helps. I wish I had an answer, esp. to the bingeing, as that is a problem I have struggled with as well. All I can recommend at this point is to stay on your meds (if you are on them, if not, strongly consider going on them), continue therapy, breathe, try to get outside in the sunlight for a walk or, breathe, if a wat feels like too much, just sit outside for a walk feels like to much, just sit outside and listen to the birds, the trees rustling, check out the clouds, etc and breathe. Just for now.
You are not alone. My heart and prayers are with you. Don't give up, you will get better.
Posted by gardenergirl on April 30, 2004, at 9:05:38
In reply to Re: Depressed- it's time to give up, posted by DaisyM on April 29, 2004, at 23:52:29
Poet,
I'm so sorry things are looking so bleak right now. You have worked so hard, and it must feel like a huge letdown. But you CAN get through this. I remember from your posts, you are strong of heart and wise. Please hang on to that.Selfishly, although I'm sorry for the circumstances, it is good to hear from you. We've missed you on Babble.
Please take pleasure in your new home. How exciting. I've lived in mine for three years now, and I am still enjoying nesting and making it a safe and loving place.
Take extra special care of yourself right now. Post if it helps, but either way, know that you are valued, loved, and appreciated.
(((((Poet)))))
gg
Posted by joslynn on April 30, 2004, at 12:38:23
In reply to Depressed- it's time to give up, posted by Poet on April 29, 2004, at 11:15:21
Sweet Poet, the working world is so messed up, I wouldn't let their craziness be the judge of your worthiness.
I saw your post on the other board and it really sounds like there were some sour grapes involved with the in-house person not getting the job and being bitter.
By the way, sometimes you can get unemployment even if you are the one who resigned. My mom did. Maybe you can check into that.
This is the end of the thread.
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