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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LG04 on April 18, 2004, at 13:51:29
I have a question:
I often speak to my therapist on the phone between sessions. She has a lively (noisy) household -- 3 sons. There is often a lot of noise in the background where they are yelling, having fun, etc. It is very hard for me to talk with my therapist when I am hearing this. Not because it's her real life, but because I feel minimalized. I also feel that she must be a bit distracted. Also I can't think straight with all that noise in the background.
I talked to her about this once and she told me that she does not get distracted from the background noise, that she is giving me her full attention. But for me, it is very distracting. It is hard for me to concentrate on what I am telling her and also to feel that she is really listening. Especially if I'm calling her when I'm in a lot of pain, I feel very trivialized. I told her about it again (it happens often) and I think she got frustrated with me. I am not asking her to ask her kids to be quiet, but rather if she can go into a quiet room. She said sometimes it's possible and sometimes it's not. (I don't understand why sometimes it wouldn't be possible, she has a portable phone.)
On the one hand, I feel that it's nervy of me to ask her to speak to me from a quiet place when after all, it's me calling her at her home, in her home environment, and she is very flexible about how often we talk. On the other hand, it feels so bad to me when I am trying to talk to her with all that noise in the background. I would feel the same way if it was a TV or a party or anything else in the background.
Is it okay for me to ask her to go to a quiet place when I call? Do any of you ever experience this issue? Any thoughts?
Thanks,
LG
Posted by pegasus on April 18, 2004, at 15:40:35
In reply to Distractions when talking on the phone with T, posted by LG04 on April 18, 2004, at 13:51:29
Hi LG04,
I have to say that when I read your post, my first thought was that you're a lot more assertive than I am. I would never presume to call my T at home, and if I did, I would never complain about anything going on there. But maybe your relationship with your T is different. It sounds like she must have specifically offered that you can call her at home. I've never had a T that did that.
I'm wondering whether you are calling her and actually catching her at home, or whether you leave her a message and then she calls back? If it's the former, then my personal feeling is that you're asking her to give up her free time for your therapy (which is also her work), and it feels to me like a bit much to then also ask her to go to a specific room, etc. From my perspective it feels a bit like looking a gift horse in the mouth. And, I'm thinking that if she has three boys, she may need to keep an eye on them sometimes (unless they're teenagers or something). Or maybe she has a pot boiling on the stove or something. I mean, who knows what they were in the middle of when you called.
If she's calling you back in response to a message, that's a little different, IMHO, because she can probably choose to some extent exactly when to call you. And she can probably make some arrangements (i.e., have someone else watch the pot on the stove).
I'm afraid that this message sounds negative toward you, which isn't what I mean. I know things about therapy can affect us very strongly. I just thought it might be useful to you to hear my thoughts from a different perspective.
pegasus
Posted by LG04 on April 18, 2004, at 16:33:03
In reply to Re: Distractions when talking on the phone with T, posted by pegasus on April 18, 2004, at 15:40:35
Hi, thanks for your input, I always appreciate honesty.
Usually when I call her, it's either an appointed time that we've arranged, or she's calling me back. Her youngest child is 9 and her oldest is 14.
We do have an unusual relationship, very open and very close. I know that a lot of this is my issue. I wanted to ask what you all thought so I could see if it's ALL my issue or just a lot of it. I did feel uncomfortable telling her that it was upsetting to me and if she could maybe move into a quieter room. Most of me felt that it's not my place to ask that. But it bothers me SO much and it happens so often. And she always encourages me to tell her whatever is on my mind, that I don't have to keep anything from her. So it gave me courage to say it. But I do feel bad/weird about it.
LG
Posted by pegasus on April 18, 2004, at 17:24:03
In reply to Re: Distractions when talking on the phone with T » pegasus, posted by LG04 on April 18, 2004, at 16:33:03
Hmm. Well, that's different. So, you actually have an appointment to talk to her on the phone at a specific time, then, right? Is it possible that sometimes she doesn't have a quieter room to go into? For example, maybe her family is being noisy in all available rooms? My house is like that. If things are noisy, there tends not to be anywhere quiet to retreat to. But, who knows about your T.
You said she seemed frustrated. Did she say anything about why it wasn't possible to move to a more quiet room sometimes? Are you paying for these calls ? (My thinking being that if you are, then you have more leverage for asking for conditions that work for you. Otherwise, she's already giving you her free time, which it sounds like she'd otherwise be spending with her family. I tend to be super respectful of that, because I think being a T would be a very demanding job.)
It does seem confusing, though. And I can see why you'd be annoyed that the chaos in her home has to become part of your therapy.
I'm probably not the best person to give you feedback, though. I've never called a T at home, and only a couple of times have had a T call me back from their home. One of those times my T was watching his one year old, who at one point was babbling pretty much directly into the phone. My T was annoyed about this, but I thought it was super cute. And I loved getting a little experience of his home life.
pegasus
Posted by DaisyM on April 18, 2004, at 20:45:11
In reply to Re: Distractions when talking on the phone with T » pegasus, posted by LG04 on April 18, 2004, at 16:33:03
LG,
I talk to my Therapist alot on the phone. Occasionally he has called me using his cell phone and it isn't all that quiet. Because I have three boys and work with little kids, I barely notice background noise. However, I did ask him if he was in a place to talk where he wouldn't be overheard. (he was) I wonder if this isn't part of your concern? It it doesn't feel private enough.
I think if you are uncomfortable you may have to accept limits to the phone contact. It is a hard choice to make, but something that bothers you this much probably isn't helping you.
Daisy
p/s - when I have important phone calls to take/make, especially to a distressed parent of the kids I work with, I often sit in my car in the drive way. And lock the doors.
Posted by shadows721 on April 19, 2004, at 15:50:28
In reply to Distractions when talking on the phone with T, posted by LG04 on April 18, 2004, at 13:51:29
Yes, I have had that with a t. I think that part of my reaction was jealousy. I was used to having a one to one relationship in therapy setting and I was wanting that on the phone too. It is a bit selfish on my part as well. I didn't want to share the t. All of this of course is transference. It is seeing the t as a parent. "You must meet my needs." "I don't want to share you with your family." "I want to mean more to you than the others."
I think part of your reaction is transference and part of it isn't. Yes, it is very distracting to hear 3 kids in the background. This means that she has a life outside of therapy. It's hard to see the t in that light. When calling her at home, you will have to put up with what you get. This is no longer the total therapeutic setting anymore. This is her place of living. Yes, your problems will seem minimized in this setting, because you don't have her total undivided attention. You are having to share her with her family on the phone. It's also a bit of tranference of anger from a child perspective of needs, "I am more important than your family. I am in a crisis that needs your undivided attention right now. So, pay close attention to me." There will be a sadness reaction as well. The child inside will be sad that the t is not able to meet those needs.
There are many therapists that do not allow clients to call them for these very reasons. They feel the client and t therapeutic boundary is violated. Clients may tend to view the t as more of a friend than a t as well. This is a complicated and loaded issue. There's a lot more going on deep inside of you from this experience, but you can learn a lot from it.
You can learn that only you can truly meet all these needs. Use the calling only when you are indeed in a crisis. If you find you are in a crisis often, you need to examine why. You can learn how to meet your needs outside of the therapeutic setting. That is the goal of therapy. Validate yourself for taking care of your needs without having to call the therapist often. This is about empowering yourself. You are more competent and powerful to meet your own needs than you realize.
I am not saying don't call her. I am saying only do it when absolutely necessary. Learn life skills to take care of yourself and lessen the dependency on the t. She is only a tool for helping you find your empowerment to have a better life which you deserve.
Posted by LG04 on April 20, 2004, at 12:33:29
In reply to Re: Distractions when talking on the phone with T, posted by shadows721 on April 19, 2004, at 15:50:28
Thanks to all who responded. Everything you all said was very helpful.
The fact that I get so frustrated about this actually turned into an incredible session with her. We talked about undivided attention and the fact that I never got it growing up, and a few other related issues that we hadn't talked about to such a degree before. I'd say it was even a groundbreaking session, some core issue stuff. She said that for about half a second, when I asked her if she can move to a more quiet room, she thought I had chutzpah, but then she very quickly understood that it had a lot to do with my issues and that she's so glad I said something about it so that we could explore more what it means to me. She also validated the frustration of trying to talk with someone when there is a lot of noise in the background. She's an amazing therapist.
Thanks again for your help.
LG
Posted by Penny on April 20, 2004, at 12:34:44
In reply to Re: Distractions when talking on the phone with T, posted by LG04 on April 20, 2004, at 12:33:29
That is quite perceptive of her. I'm glad things are working out. :-)
P
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