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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by utopizen on April 13, 2004, at 1:18:58
I have two incompletes from last semester that have turned into F's, which means I need to get myself off and into my writer's mode again.
I also have acquired a habit of writing every paper in college for the last 2 years as all-nighters.
And now, um, I can't seem to sleep with myself. I recently got Ambien, but I left it in my bag at my salon over the weekend and won't get a chance to get it back until tomorrow.
But besides that, I've been using self-hypnosis for quite some time, a few months straight, and let me tell you: it works. Except for the fact that I use BiPAP (borderline sleep apnea). With BiPAP, I need Ambien or else I can't go to sleep. But the self-hypnosis is great, because there was a time when Ambien use to not work at all before I ever started BiPAP.
Anyone, point is, I am scared of going to sleep. I always think of my work, how little I've done of it in the day, how it's haunting me, how my college is already giving me a conditional acceptance to enter as a senior next year based on me passing my courses and finishing my incompletes, and taking a year off isn't an option.
I transferred into my sophmore year here, so my roommates from last year will be with me next year, and I can't live with myself if I let them down and tell them I can't live with them, they've been living off-campus away from me and I've been stuck with this crazy roommate who's so depressing it's rubbed off on me and now I'm depressed and lonely. I use to be super happy, just last year, just because I had friends as roommates. I know no one else, I can't just let this slip by.
I am totally depressed, it's affecting my concentration levels, even with Desoxyn I have no energy. I'm afraid of everything now, even if I do the papers my two professors can refuse to change my grade back from an F because it's been so long that I've waited over it.
I'm scared to go to sleep. I want to resolve this, but I feel like I'm in some hell, and it's like, this kid I got randomly placed with by mistake has driven me to feel depressed, and I don't know what ot do. Maybe I will finish the papers, walk out of my professor's offices having charmed my way out of things, I don't know anymore. But I'm afraid.
Posted by 64Bowtie on April 13, 2004, at 3:05:15
In reply to I'm scared of going to sleep., posted by utopizen on April 13, 2004, at 1:18:58
Utopi-zen, Welcome.
I tend to be cerebral and because I'm male, I always need to fix things. So please try something; if you do self-hypnosis enough, you'll relate to "going-out-of-body". Try this and report what changes. In your body, you are suffering. Go out-of-body, like across the room and look back. Because you are looking at yourself, you are aware there is suffering, but because you are across the room, you no longer feel the suffering. Same principle as, if I have a tooth ache, you can't feel my pain. This exercize gives you relief so you can put together a strategy to get past your difficulties. Make sense?
OBTW and FWIW, I have 242 units on my transcript and 9 are F's from unconverted incompletes. One was from the professor disappearing to escape prosecution just before finals. Several others got F's, too...
Hope that helps... Rod
Posted by gardenergirl on April 13, 2004, at 4:01:59
In reply to I'm scared of going to sleep., posted by utopizen on April 13, 2004, at 1:18:58
Oh I can so relate. I am in grad school, and I still try to do all-nighters for papers. Of course this is not working for my dissertation. I do the same thing about trying to sleep but obsessing about not getting my work done.
I wish I had a magic wand for us both. What I am finding, though is that the older I get, the less my body can take the allnighters. So I end up turning things in late instead, which is worse.
I have had some luck with two things: first, I convince myself that I am a good enough writer that if I get anything at all down on the paper, I am more than halfway there. This may sound arrogant, and may not even be true, but it helps me to challenge the idea that I must write a perfect or even excellent paper. I just need to write *a* paper. Second, I try to visualize myself sitting at my desk and doing the above. When I can visualize it, I find that it doesn't seem so bad. And I visualize starting it earlier than late at night the night before.
I'm betting you are a really good writer, too, or you would not be able to pull out stuff that quickly. Unfortunately, this reinforces that staying up all night works. If you can try once or twice starting early, even if you say you will only do it for 10 minutes at a time, it may help. You can do anything for just 10 minutes. And you may find you want to keep rolling.
About the incompletes and F's. I've been there, too. My first undergrad experience I dropped out without ever officially withdrawing. I got all F's for that semester. I have had to write letters explaining that ever since whenever I need to send transcripts somewhere. I eventually did get my bachelors and have been moving on since...
Society seems to think that we all have to do this in four years right out of high school. My own thought is that I would rather have my degrees when I am 50 even if it takes that long to get them versus never having them at all because I couldn't do it right out of high school. I simply was too young, immature, and I believe depressed then, too. It felt really awful to call myself a college "drop-out" for many years, but that didn't mean I wasn't smart. I did feel guilt and shame, and I wish I could have shared the graduation bond with my peers. But I was bound for a different path. And I am happy on it (at least as happy as you can be while in grad school). ;)
I hope hearing my story is helpful and not really annoying. As for sleep problems, can you consult a doc who specializes in sleep disorders? Maybe go to a sleep clinic where they can help you get your cycle back? Help you practice good "sleep hygiene"? (what an odd term)
Take care, dear. I know there is a lot going on and a lot to be scared of. Try your best to find out as many options as you can for yourself. And then choose what is BEST for you, and to heck with what others may think. They may be disappointed or angry, but those are their own reactions. You need to think of yourself right now.
gg
Posted by karen_kay on April 13, 2004, at 18:00:56
In reply to I'm scared of going to sleep., posted by utopizen on April 13, 2004, at 1:18:58
i have withdrawls. but, i don't have F's because i talk my way out of them somehow. i charm my way into extensions as well. i've recently decided that since it works for me, and works well, i might add, i'll continue to do it. i do my best writing in a hurry, as it seems that when i have to write under pressure, i do my best work. if that is working for you, then do it. and don't feel guilty about it at all. don't feel guilty for getting extensions or 'charming' your way out of things. call it resourceful and using your given people skills. and a lot fo people don't have wonderful people skills. it's a gift, not a curse. try to look at it that way, and don't feel guilty about it. people skills are the number one things employers look for when hiring. so, try not to feel guilty about it, rather than changing your personal behaviors. but, that's my personal opinion about it.
see, i too have the same problem. i slack and slack, but somehow i happen to talk my way into making things happen. so, it was pointed out to me that it's a wonderful personal trait to have. can you see it that way??? i've started to and it's marvelous, as it doesn't hurt anyone. and when i get a job, boy oh boy, imagine what i can accomplish with my people skills!
but, that's just my personal opinion. feel free everyone to attack. i'm ducking now!!! :)
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