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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pegasus on April 9, 2004, at 19:15:29
Sorry I've been missing from babble recently. I've been travelling a lot for work. But I'm trying to read when I can.
So, today, leaving therapy, I was pretty much convinced that it's not going to help me, and I should just save my time and money. I could use a reminder why I should stick with it, if any of you feel up to such a task.
Here's my story: Been with this T for 3 months, and we've been covering a lot of ground in that time. Some of the things she has said have been helpful.
Today, we were talking about kids, and I asked her if she had any. She said, no, I don't have any right now. Which stopped me in my tracks. Don't you always have kids if you ever had them? Did she used to have kids, and they died? Did she just mean that they're grown up? Has she never had kids, and just didn't want to give me that much info about herself? Did she disown her kids? Was she a foster parent, and currently doesn't have any kids? Should I not have asked that? It seemed like a weird little intro to a complicated story. I looked at her, and she had a carefully arranged expression that I couldn't read.
I thought of my old T, who was so open, and then started to really miss him. Trying to build a new relationship with this T seemed suddenly so hopeless. So, I just got kind of quiet, and we didn't really talk about anything for the last 15 minutes. At the end she asked me if I had anything else I wanted to say to her, and I said yes, but then I couldn't figure out exactly what to say, so I just left.
So, now I feel icky. I'm not sure if I said something wrong, or if I was expecting too much, or what. Therapy doesn't feel very safe to me. I'm not as optimistic that I'll be able to do good work with her as I used to be, and I'm really, really sad.
Which seems crazy, because what's the big deal after all? A lot of therapists are like that. I'm tempted to cancel next week, and take the time to reconsider my options, but I've never cenceled before, and it's so reactive, and I don't want to be like that.
I could use some wise words, if anyone has some.
pegasus
Posted by Racer on April 9, 2004, at 19:48:04
In reply to Remind me again why therapy is worth it, posted by pegasus on April 9, 2004, at 19:15:29
Here's another perspective on that particular issue:
I'm a middle aged woman who has always wanted children more than anything else in the world. As I type this, I'm starting to cry, because I don't have any and apparently can't have any. That is my tragedy, and it tears me up badly inside every time someone asks me that question. She may be reacting to something of that sort in that answer.
Why is therapy worth it? Because, darn you, if I have to do it, so do you! No? OK, how about because once you have a good therapeutic relationship going, it helps you learn new coping skills, reduces your distress, and makes you tall and beautiful and confident and allows you to eat all the ice cream you want? No? Maybe because it really is helpful in one's life. One can learn why one does what one does, how to avoid making the same mistakes over and over again (freeing up a lot of time for making brand new mistakes), and generally does improve one's whole existence.
Yes, I'm aware that I'm channeling my distress at thinking about children into sick humor, but it's my coping skill on that issue. Maybe my therapist and I can work that out. I hope so.
Now that I've said all that, if this isn't the right therapist for you, and you feel it through and through -- as opposed to just not being your old therapist, which is a whole different picture -- then look into finding a better match.
Good luck!
Posted by Dinah on April 9, 2004, at 19:53:45
In reply to Remind me again why therapy is worth it, posted by pegasus on April 9, 2004, at 19:15:29
Depending on how old she is, maybe it means that she currently doesn't have any but wants some. Or maybe it means that at one time she was married to a man with kids, but isn't anymore.
It's a bit uncomfortable when they give answers that are more infuriating than none at all, isn't it? And I know it's hard to work to re-establish a new relationship when you're used to the one you had.
But whether therapy is worth it or not is really a decision we all have to make now and again. Do you think you're ready to go out and have a reasonably happy, fulfilling, and stable life without her? Can you make and maintain connections with others? Can you meet your responsibilities with relative ease? Does life seem worthwhile? If so, does she have more to contribute? If not, does she have more to contribute?
Thanks for bringing up the question. I think its one we all have to reconsider periodically. I just made my nine year anniversary so it seems apropos right now.
And yes. Therapy is still worth it for me.
Posted by pegasus on April 9, 2004, at 20:15:03
In reply to Re: Remind me again why therapy is worth it, posted by Racer on April 9, 2004, at 19:48:04
*All* the ice cream I want? Well, then, I'm in for the long haul. LOL
No, really, thanks for your reminders. My therapy has really changed my life for the better. And I am mainly just missing my old T, and the connection we had. It's so darn hard to start again with someone new.
Thanks for another perspective. She looks like she's maybe in her 50s (?), so I figured kids were something she had either done or not by now. The issue we were talking about when this came up was my own infertility. I'm 39 and time is running out, and I'm finally considering medical intervention or adoption.
Strangely enough, this was an issue with my old T, who had a child (his second) while I was in therapy with him. I was so jealous! And he didn't seem to be that excited about it! That was a tough time for me.
I'm so sorry about your difficulties with the issue of children. It's a really big one isn't it? I, too, hope that you are able to work on it well with your T.
- p
Posted by DaisyM on April 9, 2004, at 20:16:35
In reply to Remind me again why therapy is worth it, posted by pegasus on April 9, 2004, at 19:15:29
I often find myself thinking about questions I would have asked my Therapist in any other situation but I didn't because I didn't want to be "invasive." It does feel strange to get cryptic answers to what are basic questions.
I think you have to examine your goals for therapy and see if they still apply. And I think Racer is right, you might be missing my old Therapist, which is different than thinking your new one can't help you reach your goals.
But I think you should talk to her about what got triggered for you. It won't hurt her feelings and it might be the start to a really good honest discussion about your relationship and trust.
I'm sorry you feel icky. Eat Easter Chocolate and feel better soon.
Posted by pegasus on April 9, 2004, at 20:19:44
In reply to Re: Remind me again why therapy is worth it, posted by Dinah on April 9, 2004, at 19:53:45
Hi Dinah,
Oh, yeah, you're right. Maybe she's had kids in her family in the past, that then left when a relationship ended. That would be tough. She's a lesbian, I'm pretty sure, which also complicates the kids issue. But I know other lesbians who have kids via various arrangements, so I figured that she might have some.
That brings up another issue, which is that I know she's gay, but I don't think she knows that I know. I found out not through her (and not through stalking her, I promise!). So, that's kinda weird. Maybe that's why she was holding back on the details.
I think I'm gonna just take a deep breath and go out to dinner, and get a good night's sleep. Then later this weekend, I'll meditate, and sit down and really check in with myself to see what this was all about.
Thanks! :)
- p
Posted by fallsfall on April 9, 2004, at 20:31:17
In reply to Remind me again why therapy is worth it, posted by pegasus on April 9, 2004, at 19:15:29
It is hard to start with a different therapist. Particularly if you liked your old one.
I find that my new therapist understands me and sees me in different ways than my old one did. And comforts and supports me in different ways. I do feel pretty safe with him (every once in a while he seems to have a session where he's really weird, and I worry about those - I haven't figured out if it is him or me. I always learn from those sessions, though, so I guess they are valuable).
I was with my old therapist for 8 1/2 years, and I think that having some variety is a good thing at this point.
3 months is about the point where you've been going long enough so you think that things should have settled down. But you haven't really gone long enough to know each other yet. I think 3 months is a hard "phase".
If you can talk to her about it, just like you did with us, I'm betting that it will turn out to be a "therapeutic opportunity". Either that, or you will figure out that you aren't a good match (but "covering a lot of ground" and "Some of the things she has said have been helpful" seem fairly hopeful).
Good luck!
Posted by noa on April 9, 2004, at 23:36:26
In reply to Re: Remind me again why therapy is worth it » Racer, posted by pegasus on April 9, 2004, at 20:15:03
Maybe she has had foster kids?
Sounds like a frustrating session. Can you bring up the frustrations with her next time?
Posted by terrics on April 10, 2004, at 9:20:40
In reply to Remind me again why therapy is worth it, posted by pegasus on April 9, 2004, at 19:15:29
I think your T. gave you a very vague and enigmatic answer. It is as though it was meant to be challenge for you to ask more and I don't think that is fair. If you like her though and think you can work with her to your benifit I would stick my neck out and ask her to finish what she started. She either has or does not have children. In my eyes it is not a particularly personal question.
If T. is not good for you maybe you should look elsewhere. Maybe you really don't need anymore therapy. That is a possibility too. Good luck. terrics
Posted by gardenergirl on April 10, 2004, at 10:50:16
In reply to Re: Remind me again why therapy is worth it » pegasus, posted by terrics on April 10, 2004, at 9:20:40
I think your T's answer is one I have given many times in all sorts of situations when people ask if I have kids. I never considered how it could be interpreted. What I mean when I say it is that I would like to have children, but there are a number of reasons I do not have kids yet. Career, hubby not ready (hurry up dude!), and probably fertility problems which ain't getting any better! Okay, I guess I am ranting a bit, sorry.
But I guess it is not a very precise way for me to answer that question. I think I say it like that because it seems to protect me from people asking "why not?" which is painful.
But since you were talking about your own situation and her response did trigger so much in you, I think it's worth sharing with her. It sounds like things are going well enough to take that risk.
But it's up to you, as always. It sounds like you are doing well though, and this just threw you.
Take care,
gg
Posted by pegasus on April 10, 2004, at 14:51:02
In reply to Re: Remind me again why therapy is worth it, posted by gardenergirl on April 10, 2004, at 10:50:16
Thanks so much, everyone. Y'all are the best.
I really hadn't considered that maybe it was a sort of invite to ask more, if I wanted to. That was a good thought, terrics. It does seem like I should bring it up again next week, since it got me so off track.
I think what I'd like to do, is just ask her if I can know some general things about her. Just whatever she's willing to tell me about her work, family, hobbies, etc. I'd like to know some of these things, because it feels very hard to tell someone all of my stuff if I don't know even some of the more basic outlines of the type of person she is. That feels dangerous to me. Which is maybe part of my reaction yesterday; I was afraid that I'd said something inappropriate or painful to her, or that she just didn't want me to know anything about her. So, that seems to be an issue for me.
This came up with my old T, too. We'd been talking about my wanting and fearing having children. And then, after weeks of that, one day he tells me that his wife is about to have a baby. I felt so stupid! And tricked! At the same time that I understood why he wouldn't have told me. It's all so confusing.
pegasus
Posted by pegasus on April 10, 2004, at 14:51:34
In reply to Remind me again why therapy is worth it, posted by pegasus on April 9, 2004, at 19:15:29
This is the end of the thread.
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