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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on March 10, 2004, at 20:29:11
First of all, thank you so much for your concern about my current difficulties. It's so frustrating, and the more I try to do anything to get my needs met, the more I can see the folks who are supposed to meet those needs write me off as a complainer. {{sigh}} It shouldn't be that hard.
Today I went to the emergency room about my eye. No, didn't ask for anything for the shingles, but that's another story. (they're on my thigh, nowhere near my face.) The eye is an infection, my husband will be picking up the antibiotics on his way home, my mind is relieved. Now that I know it's safe to do so, I've had a hot damp cloth over my eyes most of the afternoon, and it feels a lot better for it.
As for my questions, I know the first answer already: I can ask my questions, and you're under no obligation whatsoever to answer any of them. Don't feel as if you have to give any sort of answer to any of these, because I will understand a simple, "Sorry, but that's just too personal. I'm not willing to discuss that with you." In fact, if that's how you feel, I'll take it as a compliment that you felt safe being honest with me.
OK, here goes:
I've been musing about the distinctions between feelings and behaviors and how each are handled in therapy, which made me think about you and your cutting. You've mentioned that your therapist doesn't talk much about it, and I wondered if she discusses it with you in terms of feelings or behaviors when she has talked about it at all? Do you explore the feelings or the behaviors at all in therapy? If so, do you make a distinction between the two? Does that make any sense whatsoever? I'm very curious about this, and have been pondering over this sort of thing for a while.
I guess part of what I'm curious about is this: you must be feeling such pain, and those feelings must be so overwhelming. At the same time, it is possible to feel pain and not cut oneself, so the behavior is a sort of a key separator. Does that make sense? It's only what's in my head, so not something to necessarily believe. What I'm wondering is if more of a focus on the behavior might make a difference in either your behavior or the feelings associated with it.
So, anything you feel safe telling me, just to educate me about what others go through, will be respectfully chewed over in the great maw of my brain. And if you don't feel like saying anything at all, thank you for your concern about me above. It means a lot to me.
Posted by terrics on March 11, 2004, at 15:25:26
In reply to terrics -- may I ask some ?? about SI?, posted by Racer on March 10, 2004, at 20:29:11
Hi Racer. Glad you had your eye checked.
Well about my problem. This is hard to answer. First I'll say that I don't think it matters whether I talk to T. about cutting or not. I know she does not like to talk about it for fear that it may be attention seeking and by discussing it I would be getting attention for it. We don't talk about it and I still do it. It is a strange thing and not learned cause I did it when I was 9 and had no idea about it and never heard of it. [My father had died the year before and my mother lost it] The next time I did it because a therapist told me I wasn't allowd and I was not cutting then. I was really angry. I was 50 which I think is old for cutting. Then I stopped for 3 yrs. Then I had a 'breakdown' and started again. This time however it became an addiction. Whenever I am angry or hurt I am relieved by cutting. No one knows about it except T. and babblers. When I am very hurt it distracts from the emotional pain. I do not want to say more because it really could be a trigger, but there is more to it. I hope I answered some of your questions. It is not something I would recommend. It is hard to hide it from my husband. And the addiction piece is quiet strong for me. terrics
Posted by Racer on March 11, 2004, at 22:58:40
In reply to Re: terrics -- may I ask some ?? about SI? » Racer, posted by terrics on March 11, 2004, at 15:25:26
I'm more than a little perplexed by this subject, so I'll mull it over for a bit. If you ever feel comfortable emailiing me a bit more about it, please feel free. babbler39 at excite dot com
Meanwhile, I really want to thank you for something you wrote to me a few days ago. When you wrote that you'd try to hear me, it made a huge difference for me. I really want you to know that. It's so hard, writing on these boards, to know if anything you say matters. You wrote something that really mattered to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Posted by tinydancer on March 12, 2004, at 1:56:56
In reply to Re: terrics -- may I ask some ?? about SI? » Racer, posted by terrics on March 11, 2004, at 15:25:26
Hi Terrics. I am dumb here, I didn't pick up earlier that you SI. I'm in a good period now but I'm also a self injurer. I used to be a cutter but I prefer burning now since everyone assumes a burn is an accident. That way I don't have to worry about hiding it.
I don't talk to my T either much about the self injuring. In my entire life, people who have seen my injuries react with disgust and anger, so I am fearful of anyone finding out. My T was the first one to show any sort of understanding and gentleness when he saw my burns. I will never, ever forget it.
I think its a difficult place to be in, because sometimes I worry about talking to my T about it as well. I don't want to start self injuring just to get attention from him. That would be really bad and start a very dangerous problem.
So you started when you were 9? I started when I was 14. I think its so strange because at that time no one knew what it was and thought it was just bizarre and sadomasochistic. I find it stunning that even today there is a total lack of understanding about SI and what it is.
I find being shamed by someone or being criticized is usually my reasons for SI. If I am hurt by someone I trust, I can't cope with it. I generally do not SI when I'm angry. It scares me, as terrics said, to post too much because I don't want to trigger anyone. I myself can be easily triggered and for example, can't read books or websites about it, its too overwhelming for me.
Posted by Racer on March 12, 2004, at 10:03:58
In reply to Re: terrics -- may I ask some ?? about SI? » terrics, posted by tinydancer on March 12, 2004, at 1:56:56
See, I first came across references to SI in that classic book, "I Never Promised You A Rose Garden". That's not new, and it's way before SI became even as known as it is today. I have only ever once done something of this kind, but I remember clearly that it was a very simple equation for me then: I hurt so much inside, I needed to hurt outside to relieve the pain. This was back in college, and it was one night, and one act on my part, so not a pattern by any means, but even at the time, I was creating physical pain to distract me from the emotional pain. Does that make sense?
It is so sad that, when it seems to be becoming more common, so little is really known about how to treat it. I think a lot of therapists really don't know how much attention to give to the behavior, for the fear you've both mentioned of making it into a self-sustaining behavior. Personally, I think that's part of a larger problem: trying to standardize a process that, by its nature, must be individualized. Some people might step up SI behavior in order to keep the therapist's attention, but others need a light shined on it in order to begin to heal. There's no way to standardize patients, and so many are going through what you've both described. Wanting help, having insight into the dangers of receiving attention from this behavior, knowing the dangers of falling into it as an attention seeking behavior, and not getting the treatment for it that you need in order to feel better. I guess that's what made me curious and wanting to ask you about how it's handled in therapy.
I really hope neither of you has taken any offense by my comments about something so personal. I'm trying to understand, and I'm using what you write as an aspect of some of my own self-injurious behaviors - mostly sins of omission, rather than comission: I tend to starve myself, and to shut down my emotions as a way of withdrawing from the world around me -- so this isn't just morbid curiousity. I'm hoping to learn more about myself and my own behaviors through a better understanding of more obvious and focussed self-injury. Does that make sense?
Also, since terrics just rocked the foundations of my world, just by writing that she'd try to hear me, I am feeling a pretty strong desire to provide that same warm, safe feeling to her in return. That made me feel so good -- see, it's not so hard -- that I'd like to be able to offer warmth and comfort right back atcha.
Thank you both for exposing so many very personal feelings.
Posted by terrics on March 12, 2004, at 15:02:37
In reply to Re: terrics and tiny dancer, posted by Racer on March 12, 2004, at 10:05:01
Thank you both for your understanding and input. Hopefully things will get better for all of us. terrics
This is the end of the thread.
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