![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 15 to 39 of 39. Go back in thread:
Posted by dragonfly25 on January 16, 2004, at 11:49:17
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post..., posted by Poet on January 16, 2004, at 10:16:02
massage can really help you learn to relax when stressed/uncomfortable about being touched. it takes some time but after awile you realize that you are not tense anymore when you get the massage and next yopu may notice that yourless tense around others. i really recomend it. and the massage therapist would not at all think it strange to have a statue in the room :) statutes are regular customers, not only for the reason of not enjoying being touched but b/c half the population is so stressed that their bodies can't relax. you may learn to enjoy it (massage :) it isn't a cure but it helps
Posted by Adia on January 16, 2004, at 13:07:54
In reply to Due to the mature nature of this post..., posted by All Done on January 15, 2004, at 14:16:09
Hi..
I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in this struggle..My T is away right now..but I was starting to work with her on my sex issues..
I was sexually abused by my father.Now I hate hate hate sex and wish I could live without it all my life. The relationship with my partner is hanging by a thread because now I can´t even stand to be kissed..or to sleep in the same bed. I panic, I feel I won´t be able to handle the consequences, what it makes me feel. I just can´t. The moment we are alone I feel I want to cry and curl up and be held safely as a child.
It´s really hard. He tells me he wants to see some progress, now it´s been months since I was able to let him do something..We argue all the time. I can´t even be strong and get through it, I haven´t let him touch me for a long time now.
I´ve talked with him a lot and he knows i hate sex and I told him I need professional help and now with my T away it´s really hard...we´ve talked a lot but still he feels really tired.
I too feel a bit hopeless about whether T can help with this..I do hate sex and if I could I would never ever do it, but I want to have kids and I would like to work this out but I feel I will never like that, I just want to be able to get through it at least once a month so I don´t lose my boyfriend.
Still, I do have some hope that with therapy things can improve...
I hang on to that......Just wanted to share...
I hope you can share with your therapist...
Maybe if it is too difficult , you can write it down..I´ve done that...Have you talked about it with your husband?
Is he patient?Just wanted to share and let you know I understand.
Adia.
> I’m generally not so bold – especially with groups of people that are new to me, so here it goes. I’ve noticed a lot of posts that include comments by the poster that he or she has an aversion to sex. I’ve told my therapist that I basically never want sex and that I’m hoping to improve my sex life with my husband. So, I have two questions for you all:
>
> 1. Have you discussed your sexual aversions with your therapist?
>
> 2. Do you believe therapy can change the way you feel about sex?
>
> I have my doubts that therapy can help, so I ask myself why I discuss it at all with him. To me, it would be like me telling him that I don’t like chocolate (Ha! Just an example, of course). How in the world would he be able to help me change that? If I don’t like it, I don’t like it. Know what I mean?
>
Posted by antigua on January 16, 2004, at 13:28:16
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » All Done, posted by Adia on January 16, 2004, at 13:07:54
Wow, you are working hard. Hang in there. I have been in your situation--actually I AM still in your situation. I have a husband and three kids. When I wanted to have children, that sex was very easy; the rest is hard. As I work through my own abuse issues I find that I recoil from my husband and just don't want to be touched. Especially at certain times--like in the middle of the night--or in certain ways.
I have to keep reminding myself that my husband is NOT my abuser, he hasn't done anything wrong. It is difficult for him as well. He is a good man with needs of his own that I can certainly understand but not relate to. At their core, our most major fights are over this very issue.
I find that the situation has gotten better over time. Therapy has helped me to separate out my feelings for my husband from the abuse. Like I said, I'm not there yet but I'm working on it.
Good luck,
antigua
Posted by DaisyM on January 16, 2004, at 13:56:40
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » Adia, posted by antigua on January 16, 2004, at 13:28:16
Thank you for sharing that. I've become very adapt at stuffing all those bad associations away. But right now, because I've pulled so much out and told someone else for the first time ever, sex is really hard. I'm shocked by what is being triggered because I thought I knew and remembered it all. My Therapist says "you have to tell your husband how this is effecting you." I can't. It isn't his problem and he has needs too, so I just shut the images out. Since my hubby is pretty sick on/off it isn't an issue all the time, or even often.
I'm glad I'm not the only one. And I could never get a massage, no way, never-ever! Ick!
Posted by Elle2021 on January 16, 2004, at 14:00:20
In reply to Due to the mature nature of this post..., posted by All Done on January 15, 2004, at 14:16:09
> 1. Have you discussed your sexual aversions with your therapist?
Not really. He brought up the discussion and I said I didn't want to discuss it, he hasn't brought it up since.
> 2. Do you believe therapy can change the way you feel about sex?Possibly, anythings possible, right?
Elle
Posted by Elle2021 on January 16, 2004, at 14:14:09
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » Penny, posted by Joslynn on January 15, 2004, at 21:17:26
> I'm actually thinking of not having sex again until I am married.
I think thats a good idea, I'm doing the same thing.
>By Cosmo standards, not wanting to have sex with a boyfriend would be considered bizarre.
> It's just ironic...I hate Cosmo, hate it, hate it, hate it.
Elle
Posted by antigua on January 16, 2004, at 14:16:31
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » antigua, posted by DaisyM on January 16, 2004, at 13:56:40
No massages for me either--never!! I got a gift certificate for one and I KNOW I'll never use it. I don't even like to get me hair cut! I'm only comfortable w/someone that close to me because the same guy has cut my hair for more than 10 years.
Yea, my T says to tell my husband what bothers me so he will stop doing things that scare me to death, but I just can't even get into that conversation w/him.
antigua
Posted by Karen_kay on January 16, 2004, at 15:24:48
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » DaisyM, posted by antigua on January 16, 2004, at 14:16:31
The strange thing with me is that sometimes I'm ok with it. If I initiate sex, it's ok, actually I can sort of enjoy the experience a bit. If I don't initiate it, I say no. If he doesn't stop persisting, then I lose my voice and I can't move. And luckily it goes fast, though it seems to take forever. And he doesn't notice I'm crying, so that's good. And I can't blame him because I don't resist, and he doesn't know what happened in the past. But I still resent him for it. Also, I've gotten really good at studying German while it's happening, or making grocery lists or just closing my eyes so hard I feel like they are going to drop into my throat. And my therapist wonders why I call sex bad....
Posted by antigua on January 16, 2004, at 15:43:25
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » antigua, posted by Karen_kay on January 16, 2004, at 15:24:48
I agree w/you. If I initiate it it's fine. Problem is my husband doesn't think I initiate it enough!!! And of course certain conditions must be met... I'm a lot of trouble, I know, but I'm worth it!! (keep telling yourself that, over and over again).
antigua
Posted by Karen_kay on January 16, 2004, at 16:33:43
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » Karen_kay, posted by antigua on January 16, 2004, at 15:43:25
My boyfriend's the exact same way. He doesn't think I initiate sex nearly enough. So, do you still do it when you don't want to, or am I the only one who can't seem to speak or move?
Posted by antigua on January 16, 2004, at 17:20:08
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » antigua, posted by Karen_kay on January 16, 2004, at 16:33:43
You know I would be lying if I took the high road and said: "Of course not, I would never let a man, not even my husband, force me to have sex."
Of course I do. When I drank, it was always easier because I would let my inhibitions go.
It has gotten worse in some ways as I remember more of the abuse. It's horrible. I try to move as little as possible and I kind of pick a spot to focus on the wall. Oh my, at this very instant I just realized that is what I did when I was kid--that's how I would lead to disassociating. Now I'm scared. I never realized that before. I didn't even know until just recently that I even disassociated--I saw myself floating up around the ceiling outside of my body, watching what was going on below.
Oops, I wasn't expecting this.
antigua
Posted by Karen_kay on January 16, 2004, at 17:57:36
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » Karen_kay, posted by antigua on January 16, 2004, at 17:20:08
I'm sorry that my post brought that up. I realized that once too, that I stare at my toes. Is your therapist on call, or do you have someone to talk too? I'm here as well.
Posted by Dinah on January 16, 2004, at 18:03:17
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » antigua, posted by Karen_kay on January 16, 2004, at 15:24:48
I worked on a mathematical theorem the last time. I remembered that 8*3=24, and 4*6=24, and realize it was because (4*2)*3=4*(3*2). Then I double checked to make sure the same thing was true for every set of numbers I could think of. Then I tried to remember the name of the property that made it true. That got me through about half of it. Sigh.
Posted by Dinah on January 16, 2004, at 18:13:08
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » antigua, posted by Karen_kay on January 16, 2004, at 15:24:48
It is also less bad if I initiate, and much less bad if it's planned. Which gives the double advantage of giving my husband the idea that I'm eager. I know what his target number of encounters is, and I just anticipate them and plan them. So he thinks I'm positively eager.
He must be a really bad acting critic.
Posted by DaisyM on January 16, 2004, at 19:27:03
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » Karen_kay, posted by Dinah on January 16, 2004, at 18:13:08
Ok, this is really really cruel. But the best thing about no lung capacity is that it HAS to be really really quick...
I'm sad, I know. For me it isn't the actual "sex", it is the other, touching stuff. Of course, those are also my vivid memories. And oral sex...torture, pure torture. I can't believe I just typed that, I haven't even told my Therapist that.
2 weeks ago, for the first time in my life that I remember, I floated away. At least it was during a session. I mean, things tunneled in, the light behind him grew big and I saw myself float out the window...scared the hell out of me. My Therapist knew something was wrong -- he said, "what just happened?" and then we talked about dissociation. He feels I must have done this as a kid but I don't remember (I guess that is the point, right?) So that is part of why I've been so afraid to go back to the subject we were on. I know I should, but it was so unnerving...It felt like just before you faint but I never blacked out...very weird. I get anxious just thinking about it again.
Is there a way to prevent it?
Posted by antigua on January 16, 2004, at 20:20:45
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post..., posted by DaisyM on January 16, 2004, at 19:27:03
Wow. I almost did that on Wed. in therapy, but I didn't realize exactly what it was. I got as far as the tunneling in part but stopped it there. But I was actually talking about really difficult things and how I now know that I did disassociate. I've never done it that I've known about it. I just see myself floating in the air. I don't know what we were talking about, but it was really, really difficult. Now I'll have to try and figure it out.
It's all about sex, I know, because this thread is triggering.
antigua
Posted by Poet on January 17, 2004, at 11:30:46
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post..., posted by dragonfly25 on January 16, 2004, at 11:49:17
You're right, she's probably worked on lots of statues. Plus she's been forewarned about me, now I just need the courage to make the appointment.
Poet
Posted by Fallen4myT on January 18, 2004, at 1:45:51
In reply to Due to the mature nature of this post..., posted by All Done on January 15, 2004, at 14:16:09
Hi I think that maybe there is a deep reason you don't like sex. It is good like candy and air, so by talking about it you may get past what is blocking you from enjoying it. I think because I don't have that issue I can see it objectively. And wow Karen you ASKED if you could masterbate thinking of your T :) COLOR ME IN AWE
Posted by All Done on January 18, 2004, at 10:49:39
In reply to Due to the mature nature of this post..., posted by All Done on January 15, 2004, at 14:16:09
Thanks to everyone who posted here. I'm sorry I haven't really responded, but I guess it's a more difficult topic for me than I even originally thought.
I was able to bring the topic of sex up with my therapist yesterday. As always, he was patient and understanding. He let me know that it's okay to work on this and I know we can go at my own pace. I am coming a little closer to believing it can get better. As always, though, it probably won't be easy.
I hope this thread didn't stir up too many "bad" feelings and I hope all of you are doing okay.
Posted by Karen_kay on January 18, 2004, at 12:26:15
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post..., posted by All Done on January 18, 2004, at 10:49:39
Of course, go at your own pace. Easy does it! Maybe you should take a trip to see my therapist, as he seems to push me a little too hard to talk about things I don't want to... Then again, maybe not. I'm not sharing. But, it's a good thing you talked to your therapist, IMO. I'm proud of you! Keep up the good work.
Posted by Waterlily on January 18, 2004, at 19:46:47
In reply to Due to the mature nature of this post..., posted by All Done on January 15, 2004, at 14:16:09
> I’m generally not so bold – especially with groups of people that are new to me, so here it goes. I’ve noticed a lot of posts that include comments by the poster that he or she has an aversion to . I’ve told my therapist that I basically never want and that I’m hoping to improve my life with my husband. So, I have two questions for you all:
>
> 1. Have you discussed your ual aversions with your therapist?Well, I don't have aversions per se, but I have discussed my lack of desire with my therapist. I chose a female therapist because this has been an issue for quite some time with my husband and I knew I'd be more comfortable discussing it with a woman.
>
> 2. Do you believe therapy can change the way you feel about ?Hmmm...I do not believe that therapy can make you want more se* than is normal for you. If, however, you have specific issues about se* that are dysfunctional, then perhaps therapy could help there.
>
> I have my doubts that therapy can help, so I ask myself why I discuss it at all with him. To me, it would be like me telling him that I don’t like chocolate (Ha! Just an example, of course). How in the world would he be able to help me change that? If I don’t like it, I don’t like it. Know what I mean?
>I have had times when I've totally been into the experience and enjoyed it immensly, but most of the time I'd rather be doing something more interesting. I'm sure this is medication related because depending on which med I'm on, I'll be more or less responsive. The best one yet has been Effexor, but I had to choose between getting any sleep (it gave me insomnia BAD) and enjoying se*, the sleep won. I'm back to being bored in bed, but well rested. If I wasn't married this wouldn't be an issue, but I am so I have to deal with it.
Regarding therapy helping with the desire issue, although it did not help me want it more, it did remove the guilt I had from not wanting it. In that respect it has been worth the time discussing it in therapy.
Good luck with this. If you have success with it, let me know.
Posted by Waterlily on January 18, 2004, at 19:55:06
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » Karen_kay, posted by Dinah on January 16, 2004, at 18:03:17
> I worked on a mathematical theorem the last time. I remembered that 8*3=24, and 4*6=24, and realize it was because (4*2)*3=4*(3*2). Then I double checked to make sure the same thing was true for every set of numbers I could think of. Then I tried to remember the name of the property that made it true. That got me through about half of it. Sigh.
Did your husband not care that you weren't into it? One of my biggest problems is that my husband gets hurt (emotionally) if I'm not into it. It's hard to fake being into it when your husband is a detective and is an expert at telling whether you're lying or not.
Posted by All Done on January 18, 2004, at 23:20:39
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » All Done, posted by Karen_kay on January 18, 2004, at 12:26:15
> Of course, go at your own pace. Easy does it! Maybe you should take a trip to see my therapist, as he seems to push me a little too hard to talk about things I don't want to... Then again, maybe not. I'm not sharing. But, it's a good thing you talked to your therapist, IMO. I'm proud of you! Keep up the good work.
>>Thank you, Karen.
Posted by All Done on January 18, 2004, at 23:23:45
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post..., posted by Waterlily on January 18, 2004, at 19:46:47
> Regarding therapy helping with the desire issue, although it did not help me want it more, it did remove the guilt I had from not wanting it. In that respect it has been worth the time discussing it in therapy.
>Removing the guilt would be a *huge* step for me. Maybe I'll work at it from that angle first and see where I get from there. Thanks for that perspective!
Posted by cordy on January 22, 2004, at 9:45:14
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » Waterlily, posted by All Done on January 18, 2004, at 23:23:45
Just a thought... is it really so bad to now want sex? Can't people be sane and happy without it and not be considered dysfunctional? I mean, whether you can pleasure yourself or not, whether you need to be pleasured at all, these are all personal preferences. Maybe some people just where not meant to be in a sexual relationship. Or rather, choose no to be meant for a sexual relationship. So what’s wrong with that?
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.