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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by lookdownfish on January 21, 2004, at 4:24:42
I would be grateful to hear people's views on my current situation. I seem to have hit a brick wall. I've had a bit of a depressive slump these past few weeks, and it seems pretty clear that relationship problems are at the root of it. My husband and I had some awful arguments over the Christmas break, and it has really knocked me off course. I have been feeling terribly depressed and anxious, even though my husband and I have made up and are trying to move on. My T thinks we should be having marital therapy. I think she's right, but my husband is not keen and thinks we can solve the problems for ourselves. So I have this horrible feeling that I'm wasting my time in therapy, and there's nothing more she can do for me, because she thinks that my marriage is the main problem with me, and is the main cause of my depressive episodes. I can't really disagree, because I can see the problems have been there for a while. The thought that it is all a waste of time (the therapy) and I might as well stop it is scary, because therapy is a real highlight for me. I totally adore her, but apart from this, before this recent turmoil, I was thinking that the therapy was going well and that we were actually getting somewhere.
Of course I told her about this concern that it is a waste of time and she said it wasn't, and I should be having relationship therapy AND personal therapy. But if my husband won't have joint therapy with me, where does that leave us? When I say *won't*, I mean he sees it as a last resort. He would go if I absolutely insisted, but he wants to have a chance for us to work it out on our own. I don't really want to drag him along to counselling kicking and screaming, because I want him to see for himself that it is necessary rather than being coerced. He has admitted that we have a problem (that is a first) and is trying quite hard and being really sweet. I wish I could believe him that we can work things out, but I just feel so pessimistic. Anyway, thanks for listening.
Posted by naiad on January 21, 2004, at 5:20:39
In reply to marital troubles and therapy angst, posted by lookdownfish on January 21, 2004, at 4:24:42
When I started therapy (10 months ago) I told my therpaist that even though my husband and I had experienced our ups and downs over the course of our marriage, it was strong. Shortly into the therapy process, I realized there were major problems that I had been ignoring/denying/submerging.
I continued to work on myself in therapy hoping to be able to fix myself but realized that what your therpaist recommended (doing both couples and individual therapy) was necessary.
So this past weekend my husband and I went to an Imago Workshop based on the work of Harville Hendrix. I highly recommend his book " Getting the Love You Want." The theory is that you are initially attracted to someone who reminds you of a childhood caretaker (usually parent) who has wounded you in some way. The good part is that the new love can then heal you as an adult. We learned lots of tools for communication, re-romantisizing, and others with the ultimate goal of transformation into a conscious relationship. I'm not explaining it very well but I really, really encourage you to look into the book and also Google Imago Couples Therapy.
I know how pervasively depressing a hurtful marriage relationship can be, not to mention the affect on my son. I was really nervous about asking my husband to do the workshop, so I wrote him a letter at Xmas and told him that it was a gift for us. I had to write the letter instead of ask him directly because I was afraid of my reaction to his reaction. If he even wrinkled his brow, I would have started an argument. By delivering the request in writing, I was much more able to control my meaning, staying positive and nonjudgmental. I could really stay in the "I" statements rather than the hurtful "you" place.
Its hard to get help. I have finally learned, though, that problems do not just go away.
Best of luck. Let me know how you are doing.
Posted by lookdownfish on January 21, 2004, at 5:42:49
In reply to Re: marital troubles and therapy angst » lookdownfish, posted by naiad on January 21, 2004, at 5:20:39
Thanks for your reply and thanks for reminding me that I'm not alone. You are right, problems do not just go away. I think that's why I'm feeling so down about it... because my husband seems to firmly believe that the problem will just go away. I think I am going to have to be patient and hope to eventually persuade him that we need help. The imago couples therapy sounds interesting. I'll do some research.
Posted by Dinah on January 21, 2004, at 6:43:41
In reply to marital troubles and therapy angst, posted by lookdownfish on January 21, 2004, at 4:24:42
And in the meantime, while individual therapy can't fix the marriage, it can help you cope with the feelings that arise because of the marriage.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on January 21, 2004, at 8:32:52
In reply to marital troubles and therapy angst, posted by lookdownfish on January 21, 2004, at 4:24:42
I see nothing wrong with insisting that he go to marital therapy. Who knows, maybe once he starts, he'll see the value.
How long have you been married?
Posted by lookdownfish on January 21, 2004, at 8:49:07
In reply to Re: marital troubles and therapy angst, posted by Miss Honeychurch on January 21, 2004, at 8:32:52
> I see nothing wrong with insisting that he go to marital therapy. Who knows, maybe once he starts, he'll see the value.
Yeah, you're right. I just need to be strong to push him into it. I guess I just don't want another fight.
> How long have you been married?
10 years. We have 2 little girls.
Posted by All Done on January 21, 2004, at 9:19:23
In reply to marital troubles and therapy angst, posted by lookdownfish on January 21, 2004, at 4:24:42
> I would be grateful to hear people's views on my current situation. I seem to have hit a brick wall. I've had a bit of a depressive slump these past few weeks, and it seems pretty clear that relationship problems are at the root of it. My husband and I had some awful arguments over the Christmas break, and it has really knocked me off course. I have been feeling terribly depressed and anxious, even though my husband and I have made up and are trying to move on. My T thinks we should be having marital therapy. I think she's right, but my husband is not keen and thinks we can solve the problems for ourselves. So I have this horrible feeling that I'm wasting my time in therapy, and there's nothing more she can do for me, because she thinks that my marriage is the main problem with me, and is the main cause of my depressive episodes. I can't really disagree, because I can see the problems have been there for a while. The thought that it is all a waste of time (the therapy) and I might as well stop it is scary, because therapy is a real highlight for me. I totally adore her, but apart from this, before this recent turmoil, I was thinking that the therapy was going well and that we were actually getting somewhere.
>
> Of course I told her about this concern that it is a waste of time and she said it wasn't, and I should be having relationship therapy AND personal therapy. But if my husband won't have joint therapy with me, where does that leave us? When I say *won't*, I mean he sees it as a last resort. He would go if I absolutely insisted, but he wants to have a chance for us to work it out on our own. I don't really want to drag him along to counselling kicking and screaming, because I want him to see for himself that it is necessary rather than being coerced. He has admitted that we have a problem (that is a first) and is trying quite hard and being really sweet. I wish I could believe him that we can work things out, but I just feel so pessimistic. Anyway, thanks for listening.Lookdownfish,
My husband and I have seen a therapist together for some non-marriage related family issues. As we were talking to the therapist, some marriage realted stuff began seeping through. He was hesitant to agree to go back for "our" issues, so I suggested that we just take it one appointment at a time. We could decide together after each appointment if we felt it would be helpful to go back. Maybe if you can convince your husband to go "just once", he will see the benefit. I say it doesn't matter how you get him there (even if it's by dragging him kicking and screaming) - just get him there. You can talk about why he doesn't think it's necessary once you get there. And if he absolutely refuses, you have to keep working on your marital issues in your own therapy.
Just my two cents. I hope you can work everything out.
Take care,
All Done
Posted by Poet on January 21, 2004, at 9:57:41
In reply to marital troubles and therapy angst, posted by lookdownfish on January 21, 2004, at 4:24:42
Hi Lookdownfish,
We haven't done couples counseling, we seriously considered it awhile back, but decided not to try it. Mainly because I have trust issues and he has big problems talking about personal things. We didn't want to pay for 50 minutes of silence.
My therapist told me that many of her clients significant others hate her without ever meeting her. My husband keeps telling me that she isn't helping me and that I'm getting worse, etc. She says that he may be afraid that postive changes in me will negatively effect him and our relationship.
I don't know what your marriage problems are, but maybe your husband feels threatened by change, too?
Poet
Posted by lookdownfish on January 21, 2004, at 10:30:04
In reply to Re: marital troubles and therapy angst » lookdownfish, posted by Poet on January 21, 2004, at 9:57:41
> I don't know what your marriage problems are, but maybe your husband feels threatened by change, too?
Poet, thanks for repsonding. I think that's the key point, he does feel threatened. I think he wants to preserve things just as they are, and doesn't want to rock the boat. He has mild OCD, which he has mostly under control, so he is afraid of addressing it. In fact he won't even talk about it, as he says that makes it worse. He also says that he doesn't have time for therapy and we can sort it out ourselves instead of wasting money, along with numerous other excuses.
Posted by Poet on January 21, 2004, at 10:58:29
In reply to Re: marital troubles and therapy angst » Poet, posted by lookdownfish on January 21, 2004, at 10:30:04
Lookdownfish,
I'll ask my therapist how I can try to get my husband to better understand that positive change in me is a good thing for both of us.
Yelling at him makes him mad, so scratch that one.
I'll let you know what my therapist says.
Poet
Posted by judy1 on January 21, 2004, at 11:02:53
In reply to Re: marital troubles and therapy angst » Miss Honeychurch, posted by lookdownfish on January 21, 2004, at 8:49:07
I think with 2 little girls and 10 years of marriage, you have a lot to fight for. my husband and I have gone to couples therapy many times, at first he was hesitant (and gave the same reasons your husband did), so I went alone and asked the therp for suggestions on how to get him there. he said to tell him how important our marriage was to me and that I was willing to do whatever I had to do to preserve that. I think once my husband saw that I was going to the therp with or without him (maybe he thought I was saying negative things and wanted to have his voice heard :-), he changed his mind and went. after that first time, he became quite supportive and now we go whenever things flair up (not too often, but it happens). I hope you decide to go and ask the therp for ways to push your husband to attend, hopefully he will agree.
best of luck- judy
Posted by fallsfall on January 21, 2004, at 11:12:03
In reply to Re: marital troubles and therapy angst » lookdownfish, posted by judy1 on January 21, 2004, at 11:02:53
My husband dutifully went to individual therapy (and the 4 of us met together half a dozen times). He dutifully went to couple's therapy. He went because I asked him to, but he was really just waiting for the problems to disappear. He was shocked when I left him. I wish my story had a happier ending, and that I had some foolproof advice for you.
"The Dance of Anger" might be a helpful book for the two of you to read. Maybe you could read it outloud together and talk about it. The book really isn't about anger - it is about how relationships have a balance, and when one person shifts their position, the other has to shift as well. If your "working on it by yourselves" could encorporate the structure of going through that book, your efforts might have more direction. The book might also help your husband to see that it is necessary for him to make changes - that just waiting things out won't solve the problem.
I found this book after I left my husband, so I didn't try this. I wish you the best of luck, and hope that your love for each other can let you grow together.
Posted by lookdownfish on January 21, 2004, at 14:10:18
In reply to Re: marital troubles and therapy angst » lookdownfish, posted by Poet on January 21, 2004, at 10:58:29
Thanks Poet. I look forward to that, and hope it is miraculous!
> Lookdownfish,
>
> I'll ask my therapist how I can try to get my husband to better understand that positive change in me is a good thing for both of us.
>
> Yelling at him makes him mad, so scratch that one.
>
> I'll let you know what my therapist says.
>
> Poet
Posted by lookdownfish on January 21, 2004, at 14:14:02
In reply to Re: marital troubles and therapy angst » lookdownfish, posted by judy1 on January 21, 2004, at 11:02:53
Thanks for your advice.
I agreed with my husband to give it a few weeks and see how things go before we decide what to do next. This was probably a mistake, as the middle of a crisis was probably my best chance of getting him there. I think he will go if I insist, so I guess I'll see how things go
Posted by lookdownfish on January 21, 2004, at 14:45:30
In reply to Re: marital troubles and therapy angst, posted by fallsfall on January 21, 2004, at 11:12:03
thanks for the book recommendation, I'll check it out
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