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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Raindancer on January 10, 2004, at 13:07:57
In reply to Re: bad session - is it me? » Raindancer, posted by Dinah on January 9, 2004, at 22:12:08
I see him again in two weeks (now 13 days)! but after that it may not be for 3 or 4 weeks as he has to be away. I think he feels that people should take a break from therapy now and then and he is also moving about through different jobs although he will still be in the area. I know he won't leave me high and dry and he will always maintain contact by letter, although I doubt if I'll see him very often. At the end of the session he asked me if there was anything I wanted to say/ask so i didn't worry (which was kind) and I wanted him to reassure me that everything would be O.K. and that he still likes me, but was already in a mess and he was in a bit of a challenging mood so didn't dare, so I asked something flaky about my progress. The more distant i feel from him, the more I want to drag at his coat tails like a desperate child and at my age (60!) it doesn't feel very dignified. Thank you so much Dinah. You give so much and I really appreciate your kindness.
Posted by Raindancer on January 10, 2004, at 13:17:42
In reply to Re: bad session - is it me?, posted by naiad on January 10, 2004, at 1:01:01
I have to say that I have never had two bad sessions with him together so i am becoming more hopeful that the next one will be good, especially as there will be a long gap after it. Therapy seems to have become the centre of my life and I'm going to find it hard to change that when i see him less and less. Thank you for your support. It's good to know you're there.
Posted by Dinah on January 10, 2004, at 13:19:04
In reply to Re: bad session - is it me? » Dinah, posted by Raindancer on January 10, 2004, at 13:07:57
You did better than I would have. I would have probably wrapped myself around his legs and refused to let go if my therapist said that to me.
It's so hard that they're so much to us, and we're not nearly as much to them. :(
Posted by Raindancer on January 10, 2004, at 14:28:45
In reply to Re: bad session - is it me? » Raindancer, posted by Dinah on January 10, 2004, at 13:19:04
Dinah, The image of you wrapping yourseld round your T's legs is very cheering. That's just what I wanted to do, but i think he would have been very shocked! Thanks for that!
Posted by DaisyM on January 10, 2004, at 19:41:57
In reply to Re: bad session - is it me?, posted by Raindancer on January 10, 2004, at 12:52:13
I've read all that you wrote and I'd definately say it isn't you, just the timing and the ending. If therapy has become central in your life, this leaves a big gap -- distance physically as well as emotionally. I'm still at the beginning stages but I think when we are ending we don't want to open up any new issues and the issue IS the ending, so how do you get past that? I've seen is suggested here that you fill up the time with other self-care activities, don't just let it absorb back into the life void. Set up a routine to do something nice for yourself. You must have made good progress for your Therapist to be comfortable with this arrangement. Support is available from lots of places, not just in session.
I think what you said about seeing him as super-human makes total sense. Isn't that what we have essentially asked them to be? Sit there and listen and care, not criticize or have a bad day or be distracted or any of a hundred other things our family and friends do to us when we are talking to them? This is pretty superhuman and most of them do it pretty well. But knowing it isn't quite real does allow us to emotionally distance when we need to. Aren't most super hero's single, after all?
That said, I feel for you. It is one of my biggest worries - allowing someone else to know the intimate details of my life, past and present, to hear how selfish I am, how childish about some things, how arrogant, stubborn and ultimately, scared about what I have to face (my husband's illness)-- and then have them be "all done." I question this a lot with my Therapist. He just says, "yes, eventually there is an ending. And it is sad. And it is great, because you will be ready. And I might not be, because it is hard to let go of clients you care about but it is the right thing to do."
I think it is great that you have a way to maintain contact. Writing is one of my favorite activities so that would be perfect for me.
I'd love to know what you choose to do in place of therapy for awhile. Can you post it? And keep writing here. I hope just talking about how sad you are helps. It does for me.
Posted by gardenergirl on January 11, 2004, at 11:16:04
In reply to It isn't you!, posted by DaisyM on January 10, 2004, at 19:41:57
I agree, the session you described isn't a bad session because of you. It sounds like the process is changing for you, and of course that would cause anxiety. I like Daisy's idea of self-care stuff. Also, can you try to remember what you have learned from your T? Does he have specific "catch-phrases" or other stuff that you've heard frequently. I know it's really scary, and I don't know how I will get through termination myself when the time comes. Can you hang onto what you've gained from him, without seeing him face to face?
Of course, not literally hang on, like Dinah's post. :)
Posted by Dinah on January 11, 2004, at 11:27:15
In reply to Re: It isn't you!, posted by gardenergirl on January 11, 2004, at 11:16:04
>
> Of course, not literally hang on, like Dinah's post. :)Drat. Are you saying Part I of my termination plan is unfeasible? Part II being when the security guards have to pry my fingers from around the door frame? And I'll leave Part III to your imagination.
Fortunately he's said he won't terminate me against my will until he retires or moves. But I've still got that plan ready!
Posted by gardenergirl on January 11, 2004, at 11:41:34
In reply to Re: Awwwwww » gardenergirl, posted by Dinah on January 11, 2004, at 11:27:15
Posted by Raindancer on January 11, 2004, at 17:54:27
In reply to It isn't you!, posted by DaisyM on January 10, 2004, at 19:41:57
Daisy, Thanks. What you say makes so much sense, although I'm not feeling very sensible at the moment. The trouble is that he feels I'm too attached to him and that has got in the way of the therapy. He has become a sort of Dad to me. I was coping O.K. but own Dad died six months ago, also a loved uncle just before Christmas and I am really depressed and also feel guilty because of it and so it goes on. I suddenly have a feeling he thinks I'm a waste of space, but perhaps those feelings are mine not his. When I feel good about myself, everything feels more positive. I really hate myself at the moment, which doesn't help. Thank you for all your help. You are very kind and brave. Take care
Posted by Raindancer on January 11, 2004, at 18:03:34
In reply to Re: It isn't you!, posted by gardenergirl on January 11, 2004, at 11:16:04
Thanks Gardener Girl. I really appreciate what you're saying. When I'm more positive I do think of things he said and if I thought he still liked me I would be able to cope. I keep feeling that he's fed up with me now and would like me to go, although another part feels its not really true. Truth is I'd rather attack myself than care for self at the moment. I simply can't accept that he likes me. I can't think of any reason why he should. I feel black and Negative. Sorry to be such a pain. It all feels a bit hopeless.
Posted by DaisyM on January 11, 2004, at 20:36:18
In reply to Re: It isn't you! » DaisyM, posted by Raindancer on January 11, 2004, at 17:54:27
While I don't accept that he doesn't like you (on what basis is that grounded?) let's look at it if he didn't? What would that mean to your real life? You can change therapists, you can join a support group, etc. His opinion shouldn't just be globally accepted as correct, though I know it is important to you.
I think you MUST clarify this with him as clearly it is eating at you. Make a phone call,soon.
Try to make a list of the good moments you've had in therapy. This will help bring his positive feeling for you forward.What is the best thing he has ever said to you?
Finally, I'm sorry about your dad and uncle. You must miss them. Please consider self-care, not self hate.
Posted by Raindancer on January 12, 2004, at 9:57:03
In reply to Re: It isn't you! » Raindancer, posted by DaisyM on January 11, 2004, at 20:36:18
Daisy, of course you're right. I know he liked me in the past because he said so more than once(after I asked him of course!but you don't just change your mind, do you? ) and has said lots of nice things to me. I think he gets frustrated because I never seemed able to accept them. Also I know he is concerned about the intensity of my feelings.
Unfortunately I can't call him as he now only works one day a week in the office and frankly it would have to be a dire emergency. I could write. Would that be a good idea? It is eleven days until I see him again and the second week is usually better than the first. It has helped just to write to you. Thanks for being there.
Posted by gardenergirl on January 12, 2004, at 10:35:24
In reply to Re: It isn't you! » gardenergirl, posted by Raindancer on January 11, 2004, at 18:03:34
Sorry that this is such a difficult time. I'm glad you are finding support here. Please keep writing, and take care!
g
Posted by DaisyM on January 12, 2004, at 17:18:59
In reply to Re: It isn't you! » DaisyM, posted by Raindancer on January 12, 2004, at 9:57:03
I think writing to him would be OK, but if your goal is to increase your ability to tolerate longer periods of time without him, maybe posting here is the way to go.
I'd love to know what self-care strategies you can come up with. Maybe start with a list of total fantasy and then we can narrow from there. Like on mine, I'd have Paris...
I'm glad you've found the responses helpful. I always wonder.
Posted by Catmom on January 13, 2004, at 1:35:03
In reply to Re: It isn't you! » gardenergirl, posted by Raindancer on January 11, 2004, at 18:03:34
Raindancer, sometimes it really is the therapist. The T can, potentially, (And I am not diagnosing your own T, just going by my past experiences) have had a really bad night's sleep; maybe he or she is coming down with the flu, maybe there are problems in his or her family.
I had what I would call a "bad" session several months ago. T was fidgeting, acting unusually irritable, yanking at her necklace so hard I felt that she would break it. I was talking about my own diffidence in general and she burst out, quite uncharacteristically, "I don't know what you want me to say"....I told her that I didn't need her to say ANYTHING, that I just wanted to talk.
I had the feeling that I had caught her on a very bad day, when she was not doing her best. And even though therapists (mostly) probably try really hard, they, like us, are stuck within the confines of a human body and have all the attendant ills that civilians do.
So...unless this develops into a real pattern, I think that an isolated bad session can just be chalked up to the fact that we are all human.
Posted by Raindancer on January 13, 2004, at 17:48:46
In reply to Re: It isn't you! » Raindancer, posted by DaisyM on January 12, 2004, at 17:18:59
I think you're right. I've decided not to write to him and it's only ten more days to go! I have written about twice in the last two and a half years and he always expects me to tell him what I said anyway. I might write but not send it just to get my thoughts in order. I find self care really hard, I don't know why. Probably I feel undeserving. I hope you are OK.Take care
Posted by Raindancer on January 13, 2004, at 17:57:28
In reply to Re: It isn't you! Raindancer, posted by Catmom on January 13, 2004, at 1:35:03
Catmom, welcome to Babble. I haven't been here too long myself but so many people have been really thoughtful and helpful. It's a wonderful place to be. Thanks for your post....I know I expect too much, but I'm really hoping things go well at the next session. All good wishes and take care.
Posted by Raindancer on January 13, 2004, at 18:01:25
In reply to Re: It isn't you!, posted by gardenergirl on January 12, 2004, at 10:35:24
I will, and thank you. You help so much. I really appreciate it. All the best and take care.
Posted by DaisyM on January 15, 2004, at 23:05:56
In reply to Re: It isn't you! » DaisyM, posted by Raindancer on January 13, 2004, at 17:48:46
Raindancer,
Just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. Have you "done" anything for yourself yet?
Holding you in my thoughts.
-D
Posted by Raindancer on January 16, 2004, at 11:44:52
In reply to One more week, how are you?, posted by DaisyM on January 15, 2004, at 23:05:56
Daisy, how sweet of you to remember. I'm counting the days!! In a week's time it will be over and I wonder how I shall be feeling then!! Have been distracted over the last few days as the car failed its test and needs a huge amount of expensive work so we have two weeks before the test and tax run out to find something in better shape.I keep thinking of things to say to him then I forget to write them down and then forget what it was i was going to say. Hope all is well with you and that you have a really good birthday. I'll keep in touch. Take care. R
Posted by DaisyM on January 22, 2004, at 11:30:22
In reply to Re: One more week, how are you? » DaisyM, posted by Raindancer on January 16, 2004, at 11:44:52
I know you must be nervous because you've bottled up so much to say. Just take deep breathes and remember it is about you and what you need to begin to break away.
I'm thinking about you. Let us know how it goes.
Posted by Raindancer on January 23, 2004, at 11:26:57
In reply to Wishing You luck today! » Raindancer, posted by DaisyM on January 22, 2004, at 11:30:22
Daisy, thanks. I've just this minute got back and I still feel a bit shaky and strange, but it was good. I cried a lot of the time but he was wonderful and talked for the first time about BPD, which he admits he's been trying to avoid(he hates dx). He has to be away but will ring if he gets back to give me an earlier appointment if he can. This is more than I could have hoped for. I don't feel better but I feel more stable and my trust in him is renewed a thousand fold. If I could only stop the voices in my head saying he doesn't care...anyway they've stopped for now. I've been thinking of you a lot and hope you are feeling a little better. You deserve so much more.Thank you for caring. It has helped so much.
Posted by DaisyM on January 26, 2004, at 12:22:06
In reply to Re: Wishing You luck today! » DaisyM, posted by Raindancer on January 23, 2004, at 11:26:57
We really do build things up in our heads, don't we? I'm sure he cares and it sounds like he responded to your needs. Keep writing about how you feel and keep in touch here. The support, even if there are no specific questions, can be so sustaining.
Have you decided what to do with the time you've typically devoted to therapy? (I'm gonna keep pushing this one!)
-D
Posted by Raindancer on January 28, 2004, at 19:19:49
In reply to I'm glad it went well » Raindancer, posted by DaisyM on January 26, 2004, at 12:22:06
Daisy, you're very kind. Sorry I've been a long time replying. You ask me what I'll be doing in place of therapy!! Well I am actually training to be a T (at my age!) early stages - we're not allowed to have clients yet - except each other. I'm finding it all a bit much at the moment and getting really depressed. At the moment I feel I could throw it all up but I do usually have a passion for it and I don't know what I'll do without it. One reason I had such a good session with my T last week was that he didn't mention our ending at all- not once, but I was in a really bad state and cried nearly all the time. But I think he must think i'm not getting anywhere. I do enjoy your posts - you are very wise and thoughtful and I really appreciate it.
Posted by DaisyM on January 28, 2004, at 21:34:24
In reply to Re: I'm glad it went well » DaisyM, posted by Raindancer on January 28, 2004, at 19:19:49
I'm really impressed...and none of this "at my age" stuff. (see post way down about older Therapists). I think it is really important and exciting to keep working on new things. But, I can see how it could get depressing or feel overwhelming. There are so many of us needy folks out there!
Selfcare...selfcare...selfcare! Think of yourself as your first and most important client. What would you tell them to do for themselves?
I expect an answer that includes a list!! :)
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