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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Bedrock on December 16, 2004, at 12:51:11
Hi everyone,
I came upon this website recently and have read a lot of posts that make me feel like I have found the right place. It is nice to see a board that is so active, and from what it looks like, a real community. I hope to be a "good neighbor" here.
My history of diagnosed problems is short, but my whole life I have been "shy" and "ultra sensitive". Now I have anxiety disorder and major depression instead. Not exactly a trade up, but my inner turmoils have become much worse of late, and it is at least nice to think they are being recognized as worthy of help. I have 3 siblings I love deeply, two who are bipolar and one who has had major depression since he was 10. I thought I was the "exception kid" until I became severely depressed last year.
I am 29 and in the US (from the Midwest, live on the East Coast). I was an A student through school, and now I am supposed to be writing a dissertation in an area of applied psychology. Since becoming severely depressed last year, I have been struggling with this task as well as married life, social life, domestic responsibilities (no kids, just cats), etc. I have a lot of suicidal thoughts but haven't attempted. My major fantasies are 1)that I could come down with a debilitating disease that would take away all the pressures of day to day living (my true rational self knows this would not be a "break", it is an irrational longing) and 2) that I could pack my cats, some clothes, and run away from home. But I suspect that is hard to pull off at my age...
The frustrating thing is that on paper my life is good. I have a loving husband with a good job, so that we don't have money problems. I have a family that is very close. I have a wonderful graduate advisor who has been enormously patient and kind, and up to now I have been successful in my work. Despite all that, I cannot shake the feeling that something is deeply wrong with me, mentally or physically or both. I cannot stop myself from crying from frustration because I feel too tired to live the life I signed up for, yet trapped in it at the same time. And even if there was a way out of it, I wouldn't know what else to do.
I have tried a couple meds that haven't worked. Effexor made me feel more depressed and Zoloft caused bad side effects. Interestingly, the weeks right after I got off the meds I felt great (maybe hypomanic), and I wish I could bottle that feeling all the time. I am off meds now because I had to miss my last psych appt and rescheduling is a 2 mth process, but feel I need to try something else. I am in therapy and like that outlet because I am not comfortable "burdening" my friends and family with these feelings.
So obviously I am a little self-obsessed too as this message is so long! Anyway, thanks for reading it and I hope to be on the boards again soon (although writing this took so long I gotta go to my therapist appt now!).
Yours truly,
Bedrock (since that's essentially what I am these days)
Posted by Jai Narayan on December 16, 2004, at 21:51:17
In reply to This place sounds like me, posted by Bedrock on December 16, 2004, at 12:51:11
welcome Bedrock,
sounds like you have found the right place.
I stumbled upon this place and never left.
The people are great and the conversations are deep.
There's an incredible Med board in case you have questions.
I met up with you on another board already and read your posts on other threads.
Welcome....
we are a lovely group.
You fit right in.
Jai Narayan
Posted by Bedrock on December 18, 2004, at 7:52:56
In reply to Re: This place sounds like me, posted by Jai Narayan on December 16, 2004, at 21:51:17
Thanks Jai for the kind message. The warmth in your messages is palpable. I am sure you are a comfort to many people here and in your 3-D life.
Thanks again,
Bedrock
Posted by Jai Narayan on December 19, 2004, at 23:00:39
In reply to Re: This place sounds like me, posted by Bedrock on December 18, 2004, at 7:52:56
That is such a kind response.
thank you.
Jai
Posted by amberlicious on December 28, 2004, at 1:15:45
In reply to This place sounds like me, posted by Bedrock on December 16, 2004, at 12:51:11
Hi Bedrock,
I just found this forum today and I can't quit reading and posting. It seems like a very healthy place to share concerns and learn more about ourselves.
I too fantasize about having a disease that would prevent me from having to perform all the duties that my life demands. Of course this is purely fiction as I realize it doesn't work like that. But that's why they call them fantasies.
How are we supposed to sort out all the confusion in our heads when we have to go to work and school and run errands and do chores and maintain healthy relationships? I don't know. But I have had some downtime this year and I can say that having things to do can be good. You learn more about yourself by doing things and understanding your reactions than silently brooding. Of course, that's just one girls opinion.licious
Posted by horndhalo on January 9, 2005, at 10:49:37
In reply to Re: This place sounds like me » Bedrock, posted by amberlicious on December 28, 2004, at 1:15:45
> Hi Bedrock,
> I just found this forum today and I can't quit reading and posting. It seems like a very healthy place to share concerns and learn more about ourselves.
> I too fantasize about having a disease that would prevent me from having to perform all the duties that my life demands. Of course this is purely fiction as I realize it doesn't work like that. But that's why they call them fantasies.
> How are we supposed to sort out all the confusion in our heads when we have to go to work and school and run errands and do chores and maintain healthy relationships? I don't know. But I have had some downtime this year and I can say that having things to do can be good. You learn more about yourself by doing things and understanding your reactions than silently brooding. Of course, that's just one girls opinion.
>
> liciousHi all,
I am new. reading you'r posts. noticing all the same that I go through! The brooding, fantasizing
disease. Oh, the cycle of the disorder. I feel for All who has to endure this dread. I hope as well that I can be a good member. Thanx everyone
Posted by Jen2 on January 23, 2005, at 20:20:38
In reply to This place sounds like me, posted by Bedrock on December 16, 2004, at 12:51:11
Hi Bedrock,
> I was an A student through school, and now I am supposed to be writing a dissertation in an area of applied psychology. Since becoming severely depressed last year, I have been struggling with this task as well as married life, social life, domestic responsibilities (no kids, just cats), etc.
I have a similar situation. I am writing my masters thesis and have been doing very well in my program, but had a nervous breakdown last fall largely because of school (or rather, the issues that school brought up for me). I've got depression and anxiety and am now on Effexor. It's taken away much of my motivation so I don't know if/when I'm going to get the thesis done. I think that it's astonishing how often people doing graduate work end up medicated, and how often it's women in this situation.
> I have a lot of suicidal thoughts but haven't attempted. My major fantasies are 1)that I could come down with a debilitating disease that would take away all the pressures of day to day living (my true rational self knows this would not be a "break", it is an irrational longing) and 2) that I could pack my cats, some clothes, and run away from home. But I suspect that is hard to pull off at my age...Yes, I have had exactly the same thoughts. If only I could die, get hit by a bus or come down with some awful disease, or if only my partner/parent/sibling could come down with some awful disease, I might be spared having to deal with my life.
> The frustrating thing is that on paper my life is good.... Despite all that, I cannot shake the feeling that something is deeply wrong with me, mentally or physically or both. I cannot stop myself from crying from frustration because I feel too tired to live the life I signed up for, yet trapped in it at the same time. And even if there was a way out of it, I wouldn't know what else to do.I feel similarly. I have no idea what else to do with myself. I feel like I'm going to school in order to please other people. Stupid. I'm old enough to know better, but clearly I don't.
I hope that you are able to find something that works for you. The Effexor plus exercise is working for me, although it's really only been a couple of days of feeling better. I'm also getting psychotherapy, so I hope that helps. I also know that having the support of people on these boards is great. I wish you the best.
Jen
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