Posted by Bedrock on December 16, 2004, at 12:51:11
I came upon this website recently and have read a lot of posts that make me feel like I have found the right place. It is nice to see a board that is so active, and from what it looks like, a real community. I hope to be a "good neighbor" here.
My history of diagnosed problems is short, but my whole life I have been "shy" and "ultra sensitive". Now I have anxiety disorder and major depression instead. Not exactly a trade up, but my inner turmoils have become much worse of late, and it is at least nice to think they are being recognized as worthy of help. I have 3 siblings I love deeply, two who are bipolar and one who has had major depression since he was 10. I thought I was the "exception kid" until I became severely depressed last year.
I am 29 and in the US (from the Midwest, live on the East Coast). I was an A student through school, and now I am supposed to be writing a dissertation in an area of applied psychology. Since becoming severely depressed last year, I have been struggling with this task as well as married life, social life, domestic responsibilities (no kids, just cats), etc. I have a lot of suicidal thoughts but haven't attempted. My major fantasies are 1)that I could come down with a debilitating disease that would take away all the pressures of day to day living (my true rational self knows this would not be a "break", it is an irrational longing) and 2) that I could pack my cats, some clothes, and run away from home. But I suspect that is hard to pull off at my age...
The frustrating thing is that on paper my life is good. I have a loving husband with a good job, so that we don't have money problems. I have a family that is very close. I have a wonderful graduate advisor who has been enormously patient and kind, and up to now I have been successful in my work. Despite all that, I cannot shake the feeling that something is deeply wrong with me, mentally or physically or both. I cannot stop myself from crying from frustration because I feel too tired to live the life I signed up for, yet trapped in it at the same time. And even if there was a way out of it, I wouldn't know what else to do.
I have tried a couple meds that haven't worked. Effexor made me feel more depressed and Zoloft caused bad side effects. Interestingly, the weeks right after I got off the meds I felt great (maybe hypomanic), and I wish I could bottle that feeling all the time. I am off meds now because I had to miss my last psych appt and rescheduling is a 2 mth process, but feel I need to try something else. I am in therapy and like that outlet because I am not comfortable "burdening" my friends and family with these feelings.
So obviously I am a little self-obsessed too as this message is so long! Anyway, thanks for reading it and I hope to be on the boards again soon (although writing this took so long I gotta go to my therapist appt now!).
Bedrock (since that's essentially what I am these days)