![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 50 to 74 of 90. Go back in thread:
Posted by johnLA on August 11, 2014, at 18:34:40
In reply to going for deep tms..., posted by johnLA on August 3, 2014, at 10:56:55
just dreadful...
barely left my bed. literally.
amazing how low i can get. sunday was a bit better. had some old high school friends come visit. this got me moving at least.
could doing something 5 days in a row kick my *rs* that much? i have no idea, but i wasn't showering, shaving or eating much.
finally got it together sunday night and showered, shaved and got a bite to eat.
also, i thought we were going for just 10 treatments and then maintenance. everything i read said most initial courses were 15 to 20. then a taper. i was confused and thinking this is just gonna be another failure...
Posted by johnLA on August 11, 2014, at 18:37:01
In reply to weekend :(, posted by johnLA on August 11, 2014, at 18:34:40
forgot to mention;
the doc on friday said it's up and down the first few weeks and to expect that.
she is confident she'll get me better. wish i could truly believe her...
i can only hope.
Posted by johnLA on August 11, 2014, at 18:54:24
In reply to oh yeah; patience!, posted by johnLA on August 11, 2014, at 18:37:01
listening to 'green onions' live by tom petty right now...
went in for my 6th treatment today. we hit the therapeutic threshold of '120.' um, can you turn it up to 11? (hugh?)
feel pretty good. listening to some music. went out for coffee with my niece from greece. yeah, that rhymes.
did a few errands.
off to dinner later with a buddy.
i also found-out today that we will be doing a full course of 20 treatments. i was so very glad to hear this. something is definitely happening. the tech today said that generally the 'good feeling' will last longer and longer as we get deeper into treatment. again, i can only hope.
'120' wasn't bad at all. it is actually a little pleasurable. not exactly tickling the brain, but the brain, which feels like it's vibrating feels like it is being massaged or activated. hard to explain.
i am glad we are at full therapeutic level now. i wonder if they go higher? i'll have to ask on that.
not sure i will report here every day, but if you have any questions just let me know.
as usual, godspeed good health to all of us.
john
ps dire straits on right now playing 'walk of life'...'here come johnny singing oldies goldies...' synchronicity perhaps? ;)
Posted by Twinleaf on August 11, 2014, at 18:59:01
In reply to oh yeah; patience!, posted by johnLA on August 11, 2014, at 18:37:01
I know what you are doing is so new that you can't really compare it to anything else, but I wanted to give you hope. I had 20 rTMS treatments before I began to emerge out of severe depression, and I have had a total of 150-200 treatments over the last seven years - all the later ones for maintenance. I am really in remission now, finally, but it took a long tme. I do hope it goes a lot faster for you!
I,too, really appreciate your daily reports. They are tremendously helpful and informative.
Posted by Chris O on August 11, 2014, at 21:50:57
In reply to weekend :(, posted by johnLA on August 11, 2014, at 18:34:40
Hang in there, John! What a bloody hell depression and anxiety are. I'm sure we don't have exactly the same symptoms, but I understand what you're saying about not being able to get out of bed. I feel that way on many days; just no energy and a knowledge that I cannot engage meaningfully in the world of human relationships, a feeling of no "agency." I really hope deep TMS works some more wonders for you, like it did the first few times.
Chris
Posted by johnLA on August 12, 2014, at 15:11:59
In reply to Re: oh yeah; patience! » johnLA, posted by Twinleaf on August 11, 2014, at 18:59:01
> I know what you are doing is so new that you can't really compare it to anything else, but I wanted to give you hope. I had 20 rTMS treatments before I began to emerge out of severe depression, and I have had a total of 150-200 treatments over the last seven years - all the later ones for maintenance. I am really in remission now, finally, but it took a long tme. I do hope it goes a lot faster for you!
>
> I,too, really appreciate your daily reports. They are tremendously helpful and informative.
>
>
thanks you so very much twinleaf. i can't tell you how happy i am to hear that tms works for you.hope is an amazing part of being human. and, a good sword against depression.
thnx again for the gift.
john
Posted by johnLA on August 12, 2014, at 15:16:28
In reply to Re: weekend :( » johnLA, posted by Chris O on August 11, 2014, at 21:50:57
> Hang in there, John! What a bloody hell depression and anxiety are. I'm sure we don't have exactly the same symptoms, but I understand what you're saying about not being able to get out of bed. I feel that way on many days; just no energy and a knowledge that I cannot engage meaningfully in the world of human relationships, a feeling of no "agency." I really hope deep TMS works some more wonders for you, like it did the first few times.
>
> Christhanks again chris.
yeah, 'it takes one to know one.' god what an awful condition. 'no agency.' i like that. so true too unfortunately.
'it' steals so much from us. i am preaching to the choir, so i do not need to list the people, places, time, love, etc that i and i know so many others have lost as well here at babble.
i appreciate you understanding. i'm sorry that you do.
you keep fighting too buddy.
john
Posted by johnLA on August 12, 2014, at 16:02:14
In reply to going for deep tms..., posted by johnLA on August 3, 2014, at 10:56:55
7 is a lucky number right? ;)
2nd day of full threshold ('120') and feeling pretty ok.
i forgot to ask if they turn it up at all. will try to remember to ask tomorrow. just curious. i will be doing the treatment tomorrow with the doc, so it will be a good time to ask some questions. again, please let me know if you have any questions for her or myself.
again, listening to some music. showered now 3 days in a row. good gawd. i used to shower 2x's a day for crying-out-loud. anyway, i was motivated to take a shower this morning.
i think having some place to go everyday has been just as important as the treatments. placebo or not, i am doing things. the treatment not only breaks my inertia, but seems to get me moving and then gets my mind off myself. this is good.
one of my biggest problems is i spend so much time alone. i was always very social, but i also really liked my solitude. somewhere my solitude turned into loneliness. (not my line, but explains what most of us know; how absolutely lonely you can feel when depressed.)
a lot of solitude is great for a monk, but not for somebody going thru depression. i am lucky that i still have a few friends that have not given-up on me. family too. still, a single guy my whole life i never realized how lonely a person could feel.
i guess what i am getting at is that the treatments seem to get me out in the world and out of my cave. the more i do this, the more back to what i knew before depression seems to occupy my thoughts.
i mentioned in an earlier post that the place i go to is in the town where i taught for almost 20 years. i have literally avoided that community for the past 4 years. well, today after treatment i went by my old school. "truckin'" by the grateful dead was playing. i never was a fan of them, but there were some great lines in that song as i drove past the place i spent close to 2 decades. i didn't freak or feel sad. well, a little sadness, but nothing like the other time i went late one night and walked around the school. teaching meant so much to me. maybe too much? i miss it, but then again i don't. sigh. going to have to figure that one out. i still dream of teaching. must mean something.
i am more 'awake' on days of treatments i am realizing. good to have it in the am for those of you thinking of doing it.
i've been doing push-ups too. yay! :) i used to be a real gym rat. i have not really worked-out in these 4 years. i'm setting a goal of doing 4 sets of 10 push-ups each day. wish i could add some cardio to that. i restarted my gym membership. it is an amazing gym. there is a wonderful outdoor pool that overlooks the ocean. if i start getting back to the gym i think this will be a real tangible sign that things are getting better.
vanity; never realized it before, but i am a little fat for the first time in my life. thank-you remeron and sitting on my *rs* for 4 years. i know i'm not 17 anymore, but i weighed the same weight since i was 17 until i got depressed. sigh. mid-life crisis.
had coffee at the starbucks where i cried last. today was good. sun was out and i took my time soaking-up some sun. beautiful day here today. i sure hope i can get down to the beach later.
i have 7 days in at the beach this summer so far. my goal is 10. somewhere i mentioned that i used to get in probably close to a 100 days at the beach between here and greece. i think i also mentioned that in greece people 'count' with pride when you ask them how many days have you been to the beach. kind of like how many 'ski days' people will respond to here in the states. (sorry if i mentioned all this before. i think i did. lol) anyway, i always loved asking little kids, or even more, very old people in greece; 'posa bania fetos?'. ('how many swims this year?) they would respond with such enthusiasm. 27! 53! 61 cuz i did 2 yesterday! it's quite a neat tradition that i remember from my childhood. so, i want 10 friggin' 'bania' this summer. that will be the most since 2009...
man i can yak.
it's interesting the thoughts that go thru my head while i am doing the treatment. you are almost in a meditative position. you are forced to sit still and upright. i take deep breaths and think 'heal me. heal me. heal me.' sometimes. sometimes i am like how the f#$%! did i end-up doing this gig. lol sometimes i wonder what will happen if i get better. my hair actually stands-up when i get theses thoughts. a chill actually. what will i do if i get better? probably run manic up and down my neighborhood like a mad greek hugging everyone i know saying i'm back!
or, i wonder too what if this is yet another failure? i need to prepare for that too. sigh.
one day at a time. it's all some of us can do...
Posted by johnLA on August 12, 2014, at 16:34:41
In reply to day 7 deep tms, posted by johnLA on August 12, 2014, at 16:02:14
yesterday was a shocker to say the least when i heard about robin williams.
i'm sure it hit many of you very deeply as well.
i had only one discussion in my life before depression about suicide. i remember it very distinctly. i said it must be so hard to kill yourself. i was in college at the time. the guy i said it to said why do you say that? i said because life is so beautiful. what could ever make a person reach a point where they would not want to live anymore? i was young.
many years later a student said to me; 'you can't be happy every day mr. m.' i replied; 'why not?' how naive, spoiled, lucky, blessed i was.
as the news broke about robin williams i had several family/friends check-in on me. my 2 best guy friends who have been on my side since day 1 of this took me out for our usual monday man date night. we talked about it. these two buddies are like brothers to me. i am so lucky to have them. one of my dear sisters also called to check on me. i think she was pretty shook-up. maybe made her realize what depression does sometimes. i also had several other friends call or text just to check-in. one of my favorite sayings pre-depression used to be 'i feel a lot of love in the room!' luckily i felt it from the people closest to me last night. i am blessed. i need to remember that...
i posted the following on a news site. i was surprised by the responses i got. i think/hope a change is coming for all of us in regards to mental health...
Robin Williams, manic comedy star, dead at 63
john 18 hours ago 54 likes
close to 40,000 americans take their own lives each year. almost 8 times as many as that try. fewer are murdered. fewer die from aids. fewer die in traffic accidents. fewer died in viet nam than in a year-and-a-half here due to suicide. more soldiers are dying due to completed suicides than are dying in the battles we are fighting currently. by the year 2020 the world health organization predicts depression will be the leading cause of disability in the world. (it's currently 2nd.) i believe something like a 'civil rights' movement for mental health is needed in our country. i don't know the answers. all i know is i suffer from depression. i hate that word. there should be a different word for it. it is not sadness. it is something much more; soul crushing and mind altering.
one of the fastest growing number of suicides are in the teenager age group.
50% of americans believe it is not a 'real' condition.
i'm not joking; we need a 'ralph nader' for mental health crusading...
god i wish john lennon or bob marley were still alive.
Replies
Nik 18 hours ago 10 likes
What he said ^The New Dread Pirate Roberts 18 hours ago 9 likes
Or both. Wishing you the best!Kevin 18 hours ago 11 likes
Interesting words John. Hang in there.Robert 17 hours ago 20 likes
Dear John: I am a Vietnam Vet. I won an Army Commendation Medal with a "V" device for valor in combat, but coming home was difficult. I had PTSD but no one at the time knew what it was. My mother kicked me out of her apartment after I got back when she dropped a pan in the kitchen and I jumped behind her couch where she found me. I lived through one too many rocket and mortar attacks by the VC. Only mention this stuff because it took many years to "get my head together." Life is incredibly difficult and hard and at times unforgiving, in that no matter what you have achieved, the amount of money you make or the things you possess, sometimes when peering "through the lookingglass" like is dark and forbidding and for some not worth living anymore. I am now a successful writer and have been happily married for 27 plus years and live in a gated community in Stockton, CA. However, the long rocky road from there to here was filled with serious depression. I am one of the other 50% who believes that depression does exist. Just before I got my first book published I lay in bed in a black depression and after about 24 hours my phone rang. It was my literary agent in New York and I had sold a book and the movie rights, changing my life forever. I sometimes wonder about "what if" I had't received that call. I loved your comment because it was deep and revealing. Thank you. StocktonRob Veteran of the Big Red One at Lai Khe, S.V.
Codyboy20114 17 hours ago 11 likes
@Robert: Thank you for giving hope to John. More people need to reach out and help others, as you did, and acknowledge what depression is. This country treats depression as such Taboo. It's really sad.
MoreCaroline 17 hours ago 11 likes
To John: I understand what you're saying, and I clicked the "like" button, although of course I don't actually like this situation. I agree that this is all much more complicated than simply using the term depression. There are many, many forms of cancer, and the same is true of depression. For me, it's a lack of self-esteem, and I'm a relatively successful person. For Robin Williams who was super successful, he may still have never felt that way inside.Ted 15 hours ago 7 likes
John, your post was right on the money. Depression kills, and isn't taken seriously yet. I hope you get the help you need and find peace brother!me again...
rip robin williams. you were one absolutely amazing human being. i am so sorry for your family and friends. and, us too who you brought so much joy to.
Posted by Chris O on August 12, 2014, at 16:50:33
In reply to day 7 deep tms, posted by johnLA on August 12, 2014, at 16:02:14
That was a very insightful and moving self analysis. I don't have time to reply to it now, but I can relate to much of it, in one way or another. Good to know today was a bit better for the deep TMS.
This sentence struck me as particularly humorous:
"...showered now 3 days in a row. good gawd..."
Man, I'm totally there. Sometimes I even sit around in my underwear all day.
Chris
Posted by Beckett on August 12, 2014, at 22:15:35
In reply to ***possible trigger***, posted by johnLA on August 12, 2014, at 16:34:41
>god I wish john lennon or bob marley were still alive
I miss John Lennon.
During my first hospitalization, the doctor said once someone 'tastes this kind of anxiety and depression', that experiences changes them. I've come to realize, for myself, that I will experience ups and downs. I try not to be frightened or dismayed by the downward turns.
Thanks for posting your progress.
Posted by johnLA on August 14, 2014, at 20:33:54
In reply to going for deep tms..., posted by johnLA on August 3, 2014, at 10:56:55
well, almost half-way done with the 'acute' part of my treatments...
the protocol is 20 treatments for 4 weeks straight, then 2 or 3 times-a-week taper for 2 to 12 weeks. or, even longer.
patience. i'll get to that in a sec.
yesterday i forgot my mouthguard. was a little concerned about that. was pleasantly surprised that i had no problem with my teeth clattering like i did on my first day, and that was at a lower threshold. so, the doc was absolutely correct. one gets acclimated to the strange feeling of the pulses.
positive;
1. i continue to get to treatment and do a few errands each day. this may not sound like much, but after 4+ years of sometimes not leaving the house for days i look at this as a plus. also, i have failed at consistently going to therapy and pdoc appointments in the past. the last 2 days have been a struggle, but i am getting there. that's 9 days in a row of doing something i committed to. that has not happened since i was teaching/before my depression hit. i need to remind myself of this being a positive.
2. some physical activity. as i mentioned before i was very very active at the gym, sea, volleyball, biking, dancing!, walking and more. i am far from that, but i am doing push-ups each day. also, losing a bit of the weight i have put on these past 4 years has been good for my self-esteem. feels good to go down a notch on the belt.
3. personal hygiene. not the best, but better. as mentioned also before i used to take 2 showers a day before depression. sometimes i have gone a week w/out shaving or showering. i had a 4 day run of showers that stopped 2 days ago. i plan on showering tonight! thank-god i have no sense of smell i guess.
4. other activities; not listening to music as much as last week to be honest. but, i did watch 2 movies in the last 2 days. for a guy who use to go the movies at least twice a week i am hoping this is a start back. first movie concentration was good. 2nd movie my mind would drift. i have not been to the movies in almost 2 years.
5. doc said yesterday that 'mood' is usually the last thing to improve with deep tms. usually a slow uptick in activity, return of pleasure, less ruminations, etc. then, mood lifts. she has been right so far on other things she has told me. i am hoping this will be the case. patience.
6. watering my 91 year-old dear mother's rose bush. it has come back to life quickly. i miss her so. she is in greece now living with my sister. i am hoping i can find the strength to go see her. she has been thru so very much. seeing the roses bloom so quickly i hope is symbolic. but, it also reminds me how much i miss her.
7. i actually cooked. lol i never cook. i cooked some halibut. burned it a bit, but i think i will start asking family and friends for simple things to cook. since i can't smell, my taste is diminished. still, a good steak, piece of fish, or any suggestions? may fill some of my time too in a positive way. i hope. cooking for one can be a bummer sometimes though. but, maybe committing to a good piece of meat or fish, say 2x's a week is realistic and not too lonely-ish?
negatives;
1. i want something magical to happen. i want to be like the people that i have heard that have recovered from depression. that can feel again. i mean feel pleasure, love, life. i have had some moments of that. one can't be 'happy' all the time, but the amount of time i spend 'in' depression is still the majority of my thinking. i may be asking for too much. people live with all sorts of conditions.
2. i'm a bit scared to be honest. i mentioned that if this is another failure i will be ok. i hope so. summer is the hardest time for me and the days are already getting shorter. i can feel fall coming. on the plus, i think shorter days will make it more bearable. but, another school year will start without me in a classroom. i am still having dreams almost every night of teaching. it meant so much to me. the longer i stay away from what i had a bit of a gift for, the less i feel i will ever do it again.
3. ruminations. how long can one think about one's personal history? i was always a creature of habit, but after i do my treatment, get something to eat, and do an errand or two it's back to my bedroom and on the computer. argh. habits are hard to break. plus, i was always inside until late afternoon, so i was never big on being outside during the height of the day. even when i went to the beach i enjoyed it at the end of the day. sun can set in greece after 9pm. here in LA it's around 8pm.
4. was hoping for more 'activation' in my daytime hours. again, this has happened a bit just by going to treatments each day. it does break the inertia, but i still feel better when the sun sets.
blah blah blah...
same stuff. sorry.
tomorrow i do a midpoint depression assessment as i did to start. to be honest i do not think there will be much change in my scoring. i guess the positive on that will be if i score 51 again; my old high school and college football number. yay! go team! ;) been a long time since a cheerleader cheered for me. hugh? any chance you could supply a cheer? a 'man' cheer?
sorry for the downbeat. i'm just tired. a good friend and i will be going out for dinner tonight. thank-god i have some people that have not quit on me.
thanks for letting me rant.
john
ps just decided to take a good long shower. thanks again for letting me yak. it helped.
Posted by Phillipa on August 14, 2014, at 20:47:39
In reply to deep tms days 8 and 9 » johnLA, posted by johnLA on August 14, 2014, at 20:33:54
One shower a day is pleanty. I admire you eating fish and meat without smell taste as it kind of makes me sick so I don't. I would love a salad each night but get depressed when can't taste it. So it's chicken, green beans, 1/2 baked potatoe prepared by husband. And in my defense I hadn't cooked since I began working back in 85 since ate at work.
Congrats sounds to me like you are accomplishing a whole lot. Phillipa
Posted by johnLA on August 14, 2014, at 20:57:06
In reply to Re: day 7 deep tms » johnLA, posted by Chris O on August 12, 2014, at 16:50:33
> That was a very insightful and moving self analysis. I don't have time to reply to it now, but I can relate to much of it, in one way or another. Good to know today was a bit better for the deep TMS.
>
> This sentence struck me as particularly humorous:
>
> "...showered now 3 days in a row. good gawd..."
>
> Man, I'm totally there. Sometimes I even sit around in my underwear all day.
>
> Christhanks chris! appreciate you following my progress. and, making me laugh too. cheers.
john
Posted by johnLA on August 14, 2014, at 21:08:31
In reply to Re: ***possible trigger***, posted by Beckett on August 12, 2014, at 22:15:35
> >god I wish john lennon or bob marley were still alive
>
> I miss John Lennon.
>
> During my first hospitalization, the doctor said once someone 'tastes this kind of anxiety and depression', that experiences changes them. I've come to realize, for myself, that I will experience ups and downs. I try not to be frightened or dismayed by the downward turns.
>
> Thanks for posting your progress.thanks beckett.
i loved john lennon so much. deep down i think he knew depression. how wonderful it must have been to deal with it thru his art.
funny/sad; my anhedonia is so severe that not only do i not listen to music that much, but lennon's amazing yearning voice sounds different to me. when i told this to the doc down at uc san diego his eyes went-up. he said let me get my camera. he was a teaching psych as well. this was an intake interview for a ketamine infusion. i think he may have thought that showing this to his students would give them an idea of how a person can change while in depression.
i identified with john lennon because he had many early childhood losses. but, he was a much better fighter than me.
i wrote that bit about lennon and marley because i think there really needs to be a change in mental health. i look at the civil rights movement and i see that the arts and sports were maybe some of the catalyst for change.
maybe robin williams will be more of a start in that direction hopefully.
and! for the record; paul mccartney is my 4th favorite beatle. lol
thanks again beckett for your post.
john
Posted by johnLA on August 14, 2014, at 21:13:57
In reply to Re: deep tms days 8 and 9 » johnLA, posted by Phillipa on August 14, 2014, at 20:47:39
> One shower a day is pleanty. I admire you eating fish and meat without smell taste as it kind of makes me sick so I don't. I would love a salad each night but get depressed when can't taste it. So it's chicken, green beans, 1/2 baked potatoe prepared by husband. And in my defense I hadn't cooked since I began working back in 85 since ate at work.
>
> Congrats sounds to me like you are accomplishing a whole lot. Phillipathanks for the reminder as usual dear phillipa.
yeah, i need to look at the overall picture and realize this is a game of inches. there has been improvement. but; 'i want candy!' now. doesn't work that way with this mental crap.
i did just shower! i'm thinking 1 a day is plenty too. he-he.
going-out to dinner soon...i think i will order what your husband cooks-up every night. tell him thanks. :)
john
Posted by Chris O on August 14, 2014, at 23:48:02
In reply to deep tms days 8 and 9 » johnLA, posted by johnLA on August 14, 2014, at 20:33:54
Three cheers for John!
Awesome and thoughtful post again. No need to reply. Let's hope that even if the deep TMS is not miraculous, it's at least just less of miraculous. I know that's what I hope for every time I take a new med.
Chris
Posted by SLS on August 15, 2014, at 8:12:53
In reply to deep tms days 8 and 9 » johnLA, posted by johnLA on August 14, 2014, at 20:33:54
Hi John.
Thanks for your generous postings. I find them invaluable.
I don't think you could ask for a more optimistic scenario for your response pattern to TMS treatment. Your doctors' description of the order in which the features of depression improve mirrors that seen with a good-prognosis response to drug treatment in more severe cases. My best and longest-lasting remission developed most gradually over the course of two months rather than two weeks. Unfortunately, the doctor elected to discontinue treatment after nine months. I never responded to that same treatment again.
- Scott
Posted by johnLA on August 20, 2014, at 2:03:53
In reply to going for deep tms..., posted by johnLA on August 3, 2014, at 10:56:55
friday marked day 10 of my deep tms treatment.
this also marked the hallway point of the 'acute' phase of my treatment protocol. again, it is 20 treatments over 4 weeks, with a taper of 2 or 3 per week over 2 to 12 weeks or longer.
friday's treatment also included a halfway depression assessment. not sure how i feel about these questionnaires. i am pretty sure i scored probably the same as the first one i took at the beginning of treatment. but, i do know that i have experienced relative improvement over the past 2 weeks. hmmm...
friday night was a very special night. a old/new friend came back into my life after many years. we talked for hours. thanks slim. ;)
i crashed again though over the weekend. pretty bad actually. i ran out of the little klonopin i was on and really felt it by monday. just 3 days w/out the stuff and i was hurting a bit. i really want off that stuff. sigh. i also went almost 2 days without really eating. dumb and lame.
i actually missed monday's treatment. i just couldn't get out of bed. argh. hadn't slept really at all for a couple of days. did not want to move. waiting for night to hit the drugstore to get my k. i surprised myself and went in the afternoon to get the klonopin. god how i hate when my concentration is shot. just that 'buzz' that is so hard to explain to people who have never been thru it. i am so med sensitive. i have been stuck on 2mg of klonopin forever...
i will see the doc on thursday's treatment. i wonder if she will want to 'make-up' monday's missed one over the weekend. she and her assistant are very flexible with scheduling. i guess when you are making $9k per patient you'll be motivated. lol
today was a much better day. made it to treatment and did some errands. did some house cleaning. very few intrusive thoughts. then, my niece came over with a friend and cooked me a fab dinner. what a difference healthy food makes.
we talked for several hours. socialization is tiring, but so critical i realize for my depression. i was able to concentrate fully the whole night. no depression really. i think/hope i will sleep well. i am tired.
a good day today. i'll take it.
i am saying 'yes' to more social engagements. most of them are at night and close to home, but still i am hoping this is a change in the right direction. i spend so much time alone as i mentioned before. it's hard to break that comfort zone i love/hate.
listened to a bit of music today. first time in several days. i'll post one of the songs that really touched me in a following post. it is a john lennon cover. sometimes when his music comes on i have to turn it off due to anhedonia. or, the pain of not feeling his music anymore is too painful. but, today i felt it again. and, i had the windows down singing along. big difference between singing out loud in your car to lennon as compared to madonna. ha!
still, i need/want to fight more. i'm hoping for a miracle as i said. the tech and the doc keep saying many people have gotten better. but, still. how much can any treatment do without a 'push' from ourselves? will everyday be a battle just to get out of bed? i guess i need to slow down and just take it one-day-at-a-time as i have been for the least 4+ years. it's all that some of us can do...
oh yeah, almost forgot; i am showering more...
Posted by johnLA on August 20, 2014, at 2:09:53
In reply to Re: deep tms days 8 and 9 » johnLA, posted by SLS on August 15, 2014, at 8:12:53
> Hi John.
>
> Thanks for your generous postings. I find them invaluable.
>
> I don't think you could ask for a more optimistic scenario for your response pattern to TMS treatment. Your doctors' description of the order in which the features of depression improve mirrors that seen with a good-prognosis response to drug treatment in more severe cases. My best and longest-lasting remission developed most gradually over the course of two months rather than two weeks. Unfortunately, the doctor elected to discontinue treatment after nine months. I never responded to that same treatment again.
>
>
> - Scottthanks scott. i really appreciate your good words. i know this has been a tough summer for you. man i hope this deal works for BOTH of us.
i am so sorry that you had a good combo working and then to have that taken away. you are a true warrior. i think one of my very first posts to you 3+ years ago was this tolstoy quote;
'the greatest warriors are time and patience.'
i would say you are an inspiration to many of us here. keep fighting scott. it helps many of us here.
god bless you scott.
john
Posted by johnLA on August 20, 2014, at 2:29:01
In reply to going for deep tms..., posted by johnLA on August 3, 2014, at 10:56:55
last week after robin william's death i posted a post i made on a news site. i mentioned that i wish lennon and marley were still alive. i guess i wrote that because they seemed to make so much sense out of things when you could be feeling really low. and, i am pretty sure lennon knew a bit about depression.
fate. we greeks believe in it. maybe too much. but, sometimes things happen. like today; i rarely put the radio on as mentioned. heard this version of 'imagine.' thought at first, hmmm...lennon had an unbelievable voice. always yearning, asking, hoping. and, this song is epic. i was not expecting much...
about a third of the way in i was singing. thinking how i would definitely add to this to my 'beatles' unit in my music appreciation class. cried a little. not too much. sad that i am not teaching. but, hopeful that i may again someday.
also, i dedicate this song to scott/sls. i hope you are not offended scott. i mean it in goodwill. hoping some of you others too that are not listening anymore might 'feel' a bit as i did today.
Posted by johnLA on August 20, 2014, at 3:38:32
In reply to Re: deep tms days 8 and 9 » johnLA, posted by SLS on August 15, 2014, at 8:12:53
Posted by SLS on August 20, 2014, at 8:03:14
In reply to Re: deep tms days 8 and 9, posted by johnLA on August 20, 2014, at 2:09:53
Hi John.
Thanks for your kind words.
I spent most of the summer after Memorial Day lying motionless on the couch. I had neither the motivation nor the energy to venture across the room to play on my computer. My system was very much upset when I switched from nortriptyline to desipramine. I have been on desipramine numerous times in the past, but never reacted to it so adversely. Fortunately, after a brief discontinuation and a few dosage manipulations, I am now feeling better.
> i am so sorry that you had a good combo working and then to have that taken away. you are a true warrior. i think one of my very first posts to you 3+ years ago was this tolstoy quote;
>
> 'the greatest warriors are time and patience.'
Perfect.:-)
- Scott
Posted by SLS on August 20, 2014, at 8:09:41
In reply to song i 'felt' today/dedication to scott/sls » johnLA, posted by johnLA on August 20, 2014, at 2:29:01
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHCPfs6EGCA
One of my favorites. I used to sing it at karaoke.
- Scott
Posted by Phillipa on August 20, 2014, at 18:49:28
In reply to day 10, weekend, day 11 and day 12 of deep tms... » johnLA, posted by johnLA on August 20, 2014, at 2:03:53
Congrats showering more now up and at umm. And do not forget your klonopin!!!! Phillipa
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