Posted by johnLA on August 20, 2014, at 2:03:53
In reply to going for deep tms..., posted by johnLA on August 3, 2014, at 10:56:55
friday marked day 10 of my deep tms treatment.
this also marked the hallway point of the 'acute' phase of my treatment protocol. again, it is 20 treatments over 4 weeks, with a taper of 2 or 3 per week over 2 to 12 weeks or longer.
friday's treatment also included a halfway depression assessment. not sure how i feel about these questionnaires. i am pretty sure i scored probably the same as the first one i took at the beginning of treatment. but, i do know that i have experienced relative improvement over the past 2 weeks. hmmm...
friday night was a very special night. a old/new friend came back into my life after many years. we talked for hours. thanks slim. ;)
i crashed again though over the weekend. pretty bad actually. i ran out of the little klonopin i was on and really felt it by monday. just 3 days w/out the stuff and i was hurting a bit. i really want off that stuff. sigh. i also went almost 2 days without really eating. dumb and lame.
i actually missed monday's treatment. i just couldn't get out of bed. argh. hadn't slept really at all for a couple of days. did not want to move. waiting for night to hit the drugstore to get my k. i surprised myself and went in the afternoon to get the klonopin. god how i hate when my concentration is shot. just that 'buzz' that is so hard to explain to people who have never been thru it. i am so med sensitive. i have been stuck on 2mg of klonopin forever...
i will see the doc on thursday's treatment. i wonder if she will want to 'make-up' monday's missed one over the weekend. she and her assistant are very flexible with scheduling. i guess when you are making $9k per patient you'll be motivated. lol
today was a much better day. made it to treatment and did some errands. did some house cleaning. very few intrusive thoughts. then, my niece came over with a friend and cooked me a fab dinner. what a difference healthy food makes.
we talked for several hours. socialization is tiring, but so critical i realize for my depression. i was able to concentrate fully the whole night. no depression really. i think/hope i will sleep well. i am tired.
a good day today. i'll take it.
i am saying 'yes' to more social engagements. most of them are at night and close to home, but still i am hoping this is a change in the right direction. i spend so much time alone as i mentioned before. it's hard to break that comfort zone i love/hate.
listened to a bit of music today. first time in several days. i'll post one of the songs that really touched me in a following post. it is a john lennon cover. sometimes when his music comes on i have to turn it off due to anhedonia. or, the pain of not feeling his music anymore is too painful. but, today i felt it again. and, i had the windows down singing along. big difference between singing out loud in your car to lennon as compared to madonna. ha!
still, i need/want to fight more. i'm hoping for a miracle as i said. the tech and the doc keep saying many people have gotten better. but, still. how much can any treatment do without a 'push' from ourselves? will everyday be a battle just to get out of bed? i guess i need to slow down and just take it one-day-at-a-time as i have been for the least 4+ years. it's all that some of us can do...
oh yeah, almost forgot; i am showering more...
poster:johnLA
thread:1069147
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20140815/msgs/1070051.html