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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by b2chica on July 11, 2012, at 15:26:13
i think i analyze myself too much.
-am i feeling bad
-am i feeling better
-am i feeling good enough
-should i be feeling better
-can i get better
-i'll never get any better
-and back to am i feeling badthen throw in the psychological issues i have. dissociation, rumination, CA, SA, memory issues.
how the h&ll am i Ever supposed to get better* and by better i mean to a point in my life that i'm not so damn focused on my mental health.
when will the "issues" die down.
when will i get 'stable'.
when can i deal with life like everyone else!!i think i'm trying to kill myself.
i've been slowly all week upping my amount of alcohol intake along with meds.
last night was my last straw, i dont even remember how much gabapentin and xanax i took and i drank 2.5 bottles of wine.
i went on to pray to porcelein for what seemed like 4 hours. not sure how long really but seemed like forever. passed out while hugging it.
hubby woke me up, i threw up once more and went to bed.i feel like crap. but my mood seems only slightly low, except that i keep thinking of death. and how i wished i wouldnt have thrown up all my pills i took. and how i wished i wouldnt have woken up and it would have looked like a total accident.
i see pdoc on sat.
cant even face him. i think i hit bottom.i keep thinking if i add a little desipramine it might help, but i also keep thinking how tca's are the more fatal than ssri's (newer meds).
b2
Posted by gadchik on July 11, 2012, at 15:47:36
In reply to sick and sicker, posted by b2chica on July 11, 2012, at 15:26:13
please go to the er,let someone help you.I am scared for you.things can turn around and be completely different,just dont drink alcohol and take pills.youre in charge of your life,dont give in to despair.
Posted by Phillipa on July 11, 2012, at 16:51:50
In reply to Re: sick and sicker » b2chica, posted by gadchik on July 11, 2012, at 15:47:36
I agree with Gadchick and am thankful you do not have any TCA's. Please let hubby know what's going on. BTW what did he say/do when you threw up last night? Did you manage to work today? When is last time you saw your therapist? Phillipa
Posted by novelagent on July 11, 2012, at 18:20:57
In reply to sick and sicker, posted by b2chica on July 11, 2012, at 15:26:13
If you stare at a wall everyday, and spend most of your time on the Internet instead of working or volunteering, yeah, you're suppose to feel that way.
Posted by novelagent on July 11, 2012, at 18:53:24
In reply to Re: sick and sicker » b2chica, posted by novelagent on July 11, 2012, at 18:20:57
It gets better. You'd be surprised at how refreshing a hospital stay can be. It really turned my life around.
Posted by 10derheart on July 11, 2012, at 19:11:24
In reply to Re: sick and sicker » b2chica, posted by novelagent on July 11, 2012, at 18:20:57
What on earth? Look, maybe I am misunderstanding something here, novelagent, but your post back to b2 is hard for me to comprehend or put in any sort of context with b2's history at all. It makes me want to ask if you yourself are alright
AFAIK, b2 is a wife and mother of young children who has bravely been working (full time? I think?) through months and years of these devastating, life-sucking, nasty symptoms of mental illness. She sees a pdoc and therapist regularly, tries to exercise, eat well, comes here for support, has worked out things with her employer when she was just too ill to function there...and those are only the few things **I** can recall from her posting here! There is undoubtedly more.
I admire her perseverance and dedication to keep on going, through onslaughts of suicidal ideation, for the sake of those precious little ones, more than I can say properly in words. In my eyes she is one the the bravest, toughest people I have ever had the pleasure of getting to "know" here.
What makes you think she stares at walls all the time or does not volunteer or work? Could you say how you concluded she spends most of her time online? Is that likely to be even feasible for a working wife/mother?
I just had to say something. Maybe due to the limitations of this medium I've utterly misread this, and if so, please set me straight. But if not, maybe you could post something in a tone that is supportive, educational, and/or compassionate.
~~ baffled,
10der
Posted by 10derheart on July 11, 2012, at 19:17:39
In reply to It gets better, posted by novelagent on July 11, 2012, at 18:53:24
> It gets better. You'd be surprised at how refreshing a hospital stay can be. It really turned my life around.
OMgosh....now I am utterly lost!!??? I am completely unable to understand anything people write here it appears.
Have I made a serious error? Wow, maybe I should crawl back into the zone of insecurity and silence where I usually just read here and hurt for others, but rarely post because I never know the right things to say. Guess I really do know myself :-(
Apparently, I am a complete idiot.
B2, I apologize for my post to novelagent.
NA, I'm sorry. I still can't grasp what your post meant that I reacted to, but obviously not what I thought.
{{crawls away mortified}}
Posted by 10derheart on July 11, 2012, at 19:22:03
In reply to Re: sick and sicker, posted by Phillipa on July 11, 2012, at 16:51:50
I agree as well.
Please take any steps possible to ensure your safety. I am really worried about the alcohol stuff. You may be playing with fire. Your thoughts are dark and driven by the Great Liar=Depression.
Do not listen.
Hug your kids and hold on. You're likely gotten past worst - more than once- don't forget that things DO change. And even if it's not a change to stable wellness quite yet, at least you won't feel precisely like you do this minute soon. That didn't come out right, but hope you know what I mean.....you can do this. You are doing this.
We care about you here.
Posted by Zyprexa on July 11, 2012, at 22:49:15
In reply to sick and sicker, posted by b2chica on July 11, 2012, at 15:26:13
I think you need to get back on zyprexa. I've come to the conclusion that perphenazine is not the same as zyprexa. If I slow down on zyprexa or not take it but still take perphenazine I notice a big difference. The generic gets me threw at 10mg but I still need to take a 15mg brand twice a week. I'm not sure if 15mg of generic would have the same effect. Something I'm going to try soon. Its just that I have all these 15mg brand ones.
The best thing I can say is to get some 10mg samples if your doc still has some. or what ever dose you can get. I can't say for certain if I notice a difference between the generic and brand or not but seems there is a suttle one or mayby its just dose. If you can't afford the brand at least take some generic zyprexa. You can get a 90 day supply of generic at costco pharmacy, you don't even need a membership to use their pharmacy. Its about $50, not insurance needed.
If you are having troubles with weight and zyprexa, maybe it would work to take once every couple of days, just to get by. Or the other thing is if you get back on zyprexa and get stable you will have the right mind to go to a gym go on a diet and lose the weight. I know weight gain on zyprexa is awfull, but some times you have to make the sacrifice. I did for many years. Weight fluctuating over the last 14 years. It was hard to do, keeping the weight off, but it can be done. Just remember eat lots of vegies and lean protein, whole grain carbs at minumum.
What I'm saying is get back on zyprexa or generic. Your just putting yourself through too much.
Posted by gadchik on July 12, 2012, at 6:28:47
In reply to Re: sick and sicker » novelagent, posted by 10derheart on July 11, 2012, at 19:11:24
I too felt n was being harsh,however,I reread it and decided I misinterpreted it,so dont beat yourself up. You should post more,I think you are very caring,and can help with your words.
Posted by SLS on July 12, 2012, at 8:28:44
In reply to Re: It gets better » novelagent, posted by 10derheart on July 11, 2012, at 19:17:39
10DerHeart: I agree with GADChik. You are an authentic person whose infrequent posts leave me wanting for more. If you feel that you have misinterpreted the meaning or intent of someone's words, it is a good thing to follow up with a post asking for clarification, which you did. My first impression of the "stare at the wall" post by NovelAgent was one of indignation, although I was pretty sure that he was trying to help. He always does.
NovelAgent: I would suggest to you that what works for you is not necessarily globally effective for everyone. In addition, I think one must be extremely careful when addressing someone who is unstable, in crisis, and possibly suicidal. The truth may not necessarily set them free at that moment. Saying the wrong thing, true or not, can have unpredictable and unintended effects. You are very knowledgeable and helpful. I hope to see you continue to post on Psycho-Babble.
B2C: As you know from experience, horrific times do pass, and you will surely come out of this one. In the meantime, try not to give the beast of depression any more arsenal to destroy you than it already has. You might not feel positive, but you might still be able to say positive things about yourself and the world around you that you know to be true, but just don't feel because you are being showered with negative and melancholic thoughts and impulses. You are overwhelmed by all of life right now. This, too, shall pass.
- Scott
Posted by b2chica on July 12, 2012, at 11:11:56
In reply to Re: It gets better, posted by SLS on July 12, 2012, at 8:28:44
PH. hubby knows and just thinks that all my problems would be solved if i were totally off all my medications. that i don't really need them. its all in my head.
i haven't been telling him I've been seeing T. saw her monday. she knows. she told pdoc cuz i couldn't get in to him till first week in aug. now sooner.NA. also confused by conflicting statements, but i stare at a wall when its too hard to do anything else cognitively. i work full time in a high-end research facility and it gets hard to function and then start fearing for my job. i haven't been on internet lately, except little for work and looking up some essential oils stuff hoping that might help some. and i volunteer at my church, when i can.
i've been in hospital many times. outpatient would suit me fine right now but i have no money and can't rack up any debt right now. i see pdoc sat. i will work from that and see what he says.
thank you for trying to help and i'm glad the hospital helped you. i have had good experiences at our hospital as well.10der.
ok. so you made me tear up. thank you and though i don't in the least feel brave. i have to work full-time as i carry the ins. for the family. i do have two blessedly beautiful children whom i adore, but many time feel worthless in being able to do for them. even though i can't afford it i started seeing t again lately. not sure if its better or worse. i haven't been able to exercise due to slug body. but my one child i started in swim lessons so after her lesson i'm trying to make myself get in the water to at least be near her so she can play and practice. (I'm not sure i can continue this but i was able to finally do it yesterday). i haven't been eating well, but thats because i have no appetite. but i can handle grapes and strawberries if we have them.
Right now my two hearts are what keep me alive out of desperate love for them and fear for them if i'm gone. that's why i think the alcohol makes it easier to 'slip up'.
after tues. i've realized that i either want help or i need to go through with suicide.
since i was able to get pdoc appt so soon. i've opted for help. i have promised myself (my kids) that i will not drink at least until i see pdoc so he can see my real symptoms.
Zy i had to laugh just a bit. i Knew what you would say. and i know i should probably. but it did concern me that last time it didn't pull me out and i wasted a month or two can't remember with being miserable and having suicidal thoughts. i need to try something else, and then go to zyprexa for maintenance. i think it might have been the generic issue, as i am sensitive to differences like that. but i don't know for sure.
SLS. my Nisus.
thank you for what you said to everyone. you are so much more succinct than i feel i will ever be.
after being in complete misery (physically) yesterday i actually feel quite good today. a little derealization but i think the bump in mood is getting all the xanax and gaba out of my system and has bumped me up a bit. only feeling slightly below sea level today. at least so far but my 'outlook is good' as magic 8 would say. i see pdoc sat. if he suggests i augment. i would like to try one of your suggestions of desipramine at low dosage. as the make up suggests it may benefit me.
i never thought i was really bipolar, i assumed i drank when i was depressed but maybe i drink when my thoughts get too much for me. as i started all this drinking to help me get to sleep. and things snowballed from there, both with mood and amount of med abuse.
thanks. yours Euryalus
(without the tragic ending of course).
Posted by 10derheart on July 12, 2012, at 13:04:50
In reply to Re: sick and sicker » 10derheart, posted by gadchik on July 12, 2012, at 6:28:47
Posted by novelagent on July 12, 2012, at 15:36:11
In reply to Re: sick and sicker » novelagent, posted by 10derheart on July 11, 2012, at 19:11:24
I believe you're reading into my post, respectfully. I recently had a lot of free time for a few weeks, and for me, I found having too much free time depressing. A lot of people feel that way, and it's even compounded when someone has other stuff going on separate from that, as you point out is the case.
I probably should have mentioned that in context, I dunno, I was a bit tipsy with a nightcap at the time ; )
I do hope things work out for her, and don't want to be anything but encouraging. I was talking about my own experiences, not of her's.
And I don't know about you, but I don't think I post on psychobabble when I am having a full schedule. I have a few hours of downtime after work right now, for instance, but it's not too much... but still, I don't go on here when I'm super busy, so being here basically means you've got free time, or so I infer.
In other words, unless you think I'm being critical to myself, it's not a problem I myself am free of, so it's hard to accuse me of being critical of someone else for something I clearly am doing myself (having free time). Nothing wrong with that, it was just a point I was making. We're all supportive here, and when I posted that comment, I realized I didn't put it into context, so I added encouraging words afterwards.
Maybe people are posting to this site while simutaneously herding cattle, I don't know. = ) take care, novel
> What on earth? Look, maybe I am misunderstanding something here, novelagent, but your post back to b2 is hard for me to comprehend or put in any sort of context with b2's history at all. It makes me want to ask if you yourself are alright
>
> AFAIK, b2 is a wife and mother of young children who has bravely been working (full time? I think?) through months and years of these devastating, life-sucking, nasty symptoms of mental illness. She sees a pdoc and therapist regularly, tries to exercise, eat well, comes here for support, has worked out things with her employer when she was just too ill to function there...and those are only the few things **I** can recall from her posting here! There is undoubtedly more.
>
> I admire her perseverance and dedication to keep on going, through onslaughts of suicidal ideation, for the sake of those precious little ones, more than I can say properly in words. In my eyes she is one the the bravest, toughest people I have ever had the pleasure of getting to "know" here.
>
> What makes you think she stares at walls all the time or does not volunteer or work? Could you say how you concluded she spends most of her time online? Is that likely to be even feasible for a working wife/mother?
>
> I just had to say something. Maybe due to the limitations of this medium I've utterly misread this, and if so, please set me straight. But if not, maybe you could post something in a tone that is supportive, educational, and/or compassionate.
>
> ~~ baffled,
>
> 10der
Posted by novelagent on July 12, 2012, at 17:33:45
In reply to Re: It gets better » novelagent, posted by 10derheart on July 11, 2012, at 19:17:39
no, it was my fault for having a post open to ambiguity. I should have been more clear, don't worry about it. =)
> > It gets better. You'd be surprised at how refreshing a hospital stay can be. It really turned my life around.
>
> OMgosh....now I am utterly lost!!??? I am completely unable to understand anything people write here it appears.
>
> Have I made a serious error? Wow, maybe I should crawl back into the zone of insecurity and silence where I usually just read here and hurt for others, but rarely post because I never know the right things to say. Guess I really do know myself :-(
>
> Apparently, I am a complete idiot.
>
> B2, I apologize for my post to novelagent.
>
> NA, I'm sorry. I still can't grasp what your post meant that I reacted to, but obviously not what I thought.
>
> {{crawls away mortified}}
>
>
Posted by SLS on July 12, 2012, at 17:36:58
In reply to Re: It gets better » 10derheart, posted by novelagent on July 12, 2012, at 17:33:45
There are such good people here.
- Scott
Posted by b2chica on July 13, 2012, at 15:26:10
In reply to Re: It gets better » novelagent, posted by SLS on July 12, 2012, at 17:36:58
i concur Scott.
Posted by b2chica on July 16, 2012, at 12:36:47
In reply to sick and sicker, posted by b2chica on July 11, 2012, at 15:26:13
my pdoc said i was lucky i threw up so much that night. it could have otherwise ended with much more serious consequences considering what meds i was gobbling up and mixing with alcohol, and considering my already disoriented state...
so it seems i was trying harder than i thought.
sat night was VERY tough for me, i talked with a friend for an hour and he had to "talk me down" out of a state of suicidal intention.
it helped. i think the xanax makes this state worse for me so i am backing off my amount.also he's upped pristiq to 100 to try out. it hadn't worked before but that was different pdoc.
so we'll try this for a couple weeks.b2c
Posted by SLS on July 16, 2012, at 16:41:45
In reply to Re: sick and sicker, posted by b2chica on July 16, 2012, at 12:36:47
I am dismayed to hear that you feel so badly.
You might want to have an "emergency" treatment ready for you when you become suicidal. Zyprexa comes to mind. I don't know if a benzodiazepine makes sense for you. I hope other people come up with ideas for acute treatments for your suicidality. Lithium can reduce suicidality, but I don't know if it would work fast enough. Zyprexa can work within hours.
- Scott
Posted by Phillipa on July 16, 2012, at 20:43:17
In reply to Re: sick and sicker, posted by b2chica on July 16, 2012, at 12:36:47
B2Chica I didn't realize either. So glad you are here and working with your doc. Phillipa
Posted by b2chica on July 17, 2012, at 12:05:01
In reply to Re: sick and sicker » b2chica, posted by SLS on July 16, 2012, at 16:41:45
sometimes 'I' dont even know.
my depression happens on this stair step that just when i think i'm bad i go a step up then two steps down etc.
all the while not sure if i'm gradually getting worse or slightly getting better...until i'm in an acute phase.
i'm blaming xanax as it seems after these last several years being on a off it, i've noticed a trend that after i'm on it for a few months straight i get to my 'required' dosage, and then i start to drink more and take more pills. it reminds me of when i was on effexor how i 'craved to drink'. its like a craving to take pills.
and of course when i am disinhibited to that degree with pills and alcohol my supressed feelings of suicide pop up.**********************
i'm backing off on xanax and trying to drink less. not doing so great on the drinking part but better on the xanax, that plus maybe just the pristiq is helping and last night i had no urge to harm myself. (just wanted to drink into stupor). baby steps...i say laughingly.i am still mildly down, but i can smiled yesterday and truly meant it.
but i am hesitant to be too encouraged as i know pristiq has this lovely honeymoon phase.
so we'll see. and hopefully it can get a touch higher, as i'm sinking for my afternoon lul.
Posted by gadchik on July 17, 2012, at 13:52:28
In reply to Re: sick and sicker, posted by b2chica on July 17, 2012, at 12:05:01
gradually getting worse or slightly getting better...until i'm in an acute phase
That was so well spoken.And so true.I watched a movie "Prozac Nation",and its also a book,true story.The author said at the end and beginning of the movie that you start going down gradually,then suddenly,and her recovery was gradually then suddenly. I think that just by recognizing whats happening to you may help,and I hope you can suddenly start going up
Posted by b2chica on July 17, 2012, at 16:02:28
In reply to Re: sick and sicker, posted by gadchik on July 17, 2012, at 13:52:28
heard of the book but never read it.
it always seems i have no patterns but i guess in a way that in and of itself is a pattern. ;)
thanks
b2
Posted by phidippus on July 17, 2012, at 19:07:56
In reply to sick and sicker, posted by b2chica on July 11, 2012, at 15:26:13
I found myself getting better when I focused on using less drugs. I have basically 3 drugs I rely on. Occassionally I'll add something to exxperiment with, but mostly I just concentrate on keep the right amount of 3 drugs in my system.
Eric
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