Posted by b2chica on July 12, 2012, at 11:11:56
In reply to Re: It gets better, posted by SLS on July 12, 2012, at 8:28:44
PH. hubby knows and just thinks that all my problems would be solved if i were totally off all my medications. that i don't really need them. its all in my head.
i haven't been telling him I've been seeing T. saw her monday. she knows. she told pdoc cuz i couldn't get in to him till first week in aug. now sooner.
NA. also confused by conflicting statements, but i stare at a wall when its too hard to do anything else cognitively. i work full time in a high-end research facility and it gets hard to function and then start fearing for my job. i haven't been on internet lately, except little for work and looking up some essential oils stuff hoping that might help some. and i volunteer at my church, when i can.
i've been in hospital many times. outpatient would suit me fine right now but i have no money and can't rack up any debt right now. i see pdoc sat. i will work from that and see what he says.
thank you for trying to help and i'm glad the hospital helped you. i have had good experiences at our hospital as well.
ok. so you made me tear up. thank you and though i don't in the least feel brave. i have to work full-time as i carry the ins. for the family. i do have two blessedly beautiful children whom i adore, but many time feel worthless in being able to do for them. even though i can't afford it i started seeing t again lately. not sure if its better or worse. i haven't been able to exercise due to slug body. but my one child i started in swim lessons so after her lesson i'm trying to make myself get in the water to at least be near her so she can play and practice. (I'm not sure i can continue this but i was able to finally do it yesterday). i haven't been eating well, but thats because i have no appetite. but i can handle grapes and strawberries if we have them.
Right now my two hearts are what keep me alive out of desperate love for them and fear for them if i'm gone. that's why i think the alcohol makes it easier to 'slip up'.
after tues. i've realized that i either want help or i need to go through with suicide.
since i was able to get pdoc appt so soon. i've opted for help. i have promised myself (my kids) that i will not drink at least until i see pdoc so he can see my real symptoms.
Zy i had to laugh just a bit. i Knew what you would say. and i know i should probably. but it did concern me that last time it didn't pull me out and i wasted a month or two can't remember with being miserable and having suicidal thoughts. i need to try something else, and then go to zyprexa for maintenance. i think it might have been the generic issue, as i am sensitive to differences like that. but i don't know for sure.
SLS. my Nisus.
thank you for what you said to everyone. you are so much more succinct than i feel i will ever be.
after being in complete misery (physically) yesterday i actually feel quite good today. a little derealization but i think the bump in mood is getting all the xanax and gaba out of my system and has bumped me up a bit. only feeling slightly below sea level today. at least so far but my 'outlook is good' as magic 8 would say. i see pdoc sat. if he suggests i augment. i would like to try one of your suggestions of desipramine at low dosage. as the make up suggests it may benefit me.
i never thought i was really bipolar, i assumed i drank when i was depressed but maybe i drink when my thoughts get too much for me. as i started all this drinking to help me get to sleep. and things snowballed from there, both with mood and amount of med abuse.
thanks. yours Euryalus
(without the tragic ending of course).
"What is madness, but nobility of soul at odds with circumstance.
The day is on Fire, and i know the purity of pure despair."