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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by zonked on October 1, 2011, at 22:11:20
I started Nardil in June.
I started testosterone (Androgel 25mg/2.5gm 1% testosterone) in late August, but today I can finally apply it every day without skimping. My refill went through effortlessly after having to change drug plans...
I have to let you guys know I may not be as active on the board if certain things happen within the next few days. I have a job offer that is pending; and that will eat most of my time if I get it.
The reason I could even look for work at all, and pursue this with everything I have, is because treatment, ultimately, has worked.
I didn't get the hypomania from Nardil this time, and the effect wasn't as strong as last time, but adding testosterone seems to have "done it" for me. I cleaned most of my house today, that's pretty amazing. I have more energy and things do not bother me as much and my depression and anxiety really really get much better on it.
A couple of thoughts:
One, your support (I'm not naming names so as not to leave anyone else) has helped me endure while waiting, playing around with meds and dosages, and the ups and downs.
Now I am getting used to the fact that "normal" life has its ups and downs. I can usually attribute the downs to external events now, not just down all the time for no reason, and am re-integrating myself into society - slowly. This is harder than waiting for treatment to work because that is *largely* a passive (but not effortless) pursuit. Remembering that everyone has ups and downs, and not letting the downs freeze me - that has been very hard.
I've had many people tell me I'm brilliant. I guess my on-paper IQ is higher than average (although I think there's been some reversible atrophy due to MDD), my life skills need sharpening again and that takes continual vigilance (not to be confused with PTSD-related "hyper"vigilance) on my part.
I guess I just wanted to thank everyone for being here for me; some of you have served as inspiration and mentors to me. Having depression that just lasts and lasts and lasts is a tortuous experience....when treatment starts to work (at least in my case) I've found there was still much work to do. My "brain patterns" about things, I was able to notice once treatment began to work, had been sort of engraved to interpret every disappointment frustration embarrassment as a tragedy. Thankfully, the insight I've gained has (largely but not completely) made me able to steer myself away from despair.
Picking up one's life after chronic MDD isn't as easy as "riding a bicycle" again but it's akin to that. It's more like having to drive a car with the power steering knocked out, and by practice, the power steering gradually restores itself. That's the best analogy I can think of now.
Finally, I acknowledge the possibility of recurrence. I think if I begin to show signs of slipping into relapse I'll march right into the doctor's office and see what can be done to avert it, if anything.
I'm not leaving yet. I just may not post as much. Then again if I don't get this job I may be right back, whining... ;-)
Best to all:
-z
Posted by Phillipa on October 2, 2011, at 0:26:36
In reply to A retrospective on my MI and treatment, posted by zonked on October 1, 2011, at 22:11:20
I guess we will see and you got the house cleaned now you can do mine also. We will be here. Phillipa
Posted by SLS on October 2, 2011, at 5:03:41
In reply to A retrospective on my MI and treatment, posted by zonked on October 1, 2011, at 22:11:20
Hi Zonked.
> The reason I could even look for work at all, and pursue this with everything I have, is because treatment, ultimately, has worked.
Woohoo!
How long did it take for you to notice an improvement after beginning testosterone treatment?
> One, your support (I'm not naming names so as not to leave anyone else) has helped me endure while waiting, playing around with meds and dosages, and the ups and downs.Although I have busted the chops of this website's owner and facilitator more recently, I have no words sufficient to repay him for having made Psycho-Babble such a safe and supportive place. I hope he continues to maintain it.
> Now I am getting used to the fact that "normal" life has its ups and downs.
Yup.
> I can usually attribute the downs to external events now, not just down all the time for no reason, and am re-integrating myself into society - slowly.
Yes, it is a slow process. I have to keep that in mind if I should continue to improve from treatement. Even snails get to where they want to go.
> This is harder than waiting for treatment to work because that is *largely* a passive (but not effortless) pursuit. Remembering that everyone has ups and downs, and not letting the downs freeze me - that has been very hard.
Have you had any "downs" while your depression has lifted? Are you able to tell the difference between the way the two types of depression feel? During my longest period of remission, I experienced a couple of minor depressions due to external events. I could feel that the biological depression remained in remission, even though there is some overlap in features. I actually enjoyed doing the work necessary to process the situational reactive depression. It was within my power to work through this depression and watch it dissolve. Nice.
> I've had many people tell me I'm brilliant.
You are.
> I guess my on-paper IQ is higher than average (although I think there's been some reversible atrophy due to MDD)...
Yes. I feel the same way. I think MDD and BD depression beats the heck out of one's cognitive abilities such that functional IQ is reduced.
Your post demonstrates your recovery of mental health and the pursuit of personal growth. I admire the way you put things into perspective. Your hard work has paid off.
May God preserve your health and positive attitude.
Stay well.
- Scott
Posted by zonked on October 2, 2011, at 9:59:16
In reply to Re: A retrospective on my MI and treatment » zonked, posted by SLS on October 2, 2011, at 5:03:41
> How long did it take for you to notice an improvement after beginning testosterone treatment?
>
Two to three days. In fact, when it started working a close friend said, "This stuff doesn't make you manic does it?" - the first day when something hits is magic for me, and I assured her it was just the relief. Because I had to skimp days (due to the insurance nightmare), I haven't been as even with dosing it as I'd like to have been, until now. I had to make a 1mo supply last longer than that. My new plan covers it.I guess this is true of all ADs or things that work in AD-like ways, but I was kinda blue and stressed yesterday.. I started cleaning my house and felt so much better (as opposed to doing it without feeling much at all.)
Stereotypically people on steroids get, hmm, angry (roid rage) .. that hasn't been the case with me, although I am on the lowest possible dose. Now that my dosing will be consistent, I am sure my MD will order a lab in about a month to see how I've changed.
> Have you had any "downs" while your depression has lifted? Are you able to tell the difference between the way the two types of depression feel?Excellent question, and yes, but only after thinking about it. Initially, I get a sense of "oh no it's back." But then I can always trace it to something external, or almost always, and this time it PASSES.
During my longest period of remission, I experienced a couple of minor depressions due to external events. I could feel that the biological depression remained in remission, even though there is some overlap in features. I actually enjoyed doing the work necessary to process the situational reactive depression. It was within my power to work through this depression and watch it dissolve. Nice.
>No kidding, me too. I have to say I'm pretty proud of some of the things I've triumphed over since being well enough to do so.
>
> Your post demonstrates your recovery of mental health and the pursuit of personal growth. I admire the way you put things into perspective. Your hard work has paid off.
>
> May God preserve your health and positive attitude.
>
> Stay well.
>
>
> - ScottThe same to you my friend.
-z
Posted by floatingbridge on October 2, 2011, at 10:12:34
In reply to Re: A retrospective on my MI and treatment » SLS, posted by zonked on October 2, 2011, at 9:59:16
Can I say that I look forward to seeing less of your posts here? May your remission be long, happy, and productive. You have worked for this, and I am glad to witness your success. Thanks for sharing so much of your experience with the board.
And as long as Dr. Bob pays the server bill, we'll be here. It's like those ads for Motel Six. We'll leave the light on for you.
Very best of luck with your new work. Yay!
Posted by zonked on October 2, 2011, at 10:28:39
In reply to Re: A retrospective on my MI and treatment » zonked, posted by floatingbridge on October 2, 2011, at 10:12:34
> Can I say that I look forward to seeing less of your posts here? May your remission be long, happy, and productive. You have worked for this, and I am glad to witness your success. Thanks for sharing so much of your experience with the board.
>
> And as long as Dr. Bob pays the server bill, we'll be here. It's like those ads for Motel Six. We'll leave the light on for you.
>
> Very best of luck with your new work. Yay!Well, it's still conditional, I find out on Monday. I may not make it through whatever-they're-looking-for in my BG check (my address has changed frequently over the last 3 years and I didn't list every one); and my credit is bad....
But thank you nonetheless. I really should keep a mood chart as my pdoc has suggested. Perhaps there's software for Windows for this purpose - I've been using Linux lately because this laptop was given to me with a "broken" Windows license. One of my tasks is to repartition and install Windows 7 this weekend...
Scanning your posts lately it also seems you're doing well - which is a relief to me. No more SNRI soups or benzo-of-the-month club memberships eh? :-)
-z
Posted by floatingbridge on October 2, 2011, at 18:08:40
In reply to Re: A retrospective on my MI and treatment » floatingbridge, posted by zonked on October 2, 2011, at 10:28:39
Hey Z,
I know it's pending, so I have yet to uncross my fingers. But I feel hopeful that if not this placement, you're on your way to good employment. It would be very nice if this goes through, though.
And starting a job, keeping it, all that is stressful. I hope you would post for ongoing support if needed. And send updates :-)
No. No more benzo of the month here, but I am trying to taper Xanax. I don't care too much about the tenazepam at night, but after the withdrawal this summer, Xanax scares me. So that's ongoing and maybe slower than I'd like.
(I am feeling another little yippee for you....)
Posted by Phillipa on October 2, 2011, at 19:40:18
In reply to Re: A retrospective on my MI and treatment » SLS, posted by zonked on October 2, 2011, at 9:59:16
Testosterone is a hormone. But some use as steroid. Weight lifters? This doesn't make sense to me need to google. Phillipa
Posted by uncouth on October 8, 2011, at 19:28:31
In reply to A retrospective on my MI and treatment, posted by zonked on October 1, 2011, at 22:11:20
cool post. i have also been on TRT the last few months to deal with lack of libido, anhedonia, amotivation, you know the standard drill. i am diagnosted with bp2 depression and on a shitload of meds and supplements. my T was 550 at the beginning of this year, and i was still feeling bad so we tried TRT then for a few months with androgel...didnt really do or feel anything so stopped. also tried hcg at that time too.
retested 3 mos ago at 340! what happened? who knows. med changes, social defeats, still no work, no sex, i dont know, it's all boht a cuase and an effect.
tried new gel called AXIRON (underarm liquid)....good repsonse first week...then after a month, T went DOWN to 330! WTF?
so now we tried tripling the dose, one step above the max recommended dose. so now i put it on 3x a day. After a month, T printed at 1101! wow! during that time, the depression was still there, but i definitely was starting to feel a bit more hypomanic and libido was stronger, i guess. still having trouble motivating and feeling zest for life. though i'm happy to see that T was finally responsive to something.
i was taking a crapload of other stuff at the time too, so who really knows what was doing what.
in terms of mood, it's still pretty flat. i feel kind of mixed right now. all i think about are chemicals.
so anyway since T printed relaly high and insurance isn't covering 3 swipes under each arm per day, we're going back to 2 swipes. hopefully will end up in target range.
my appetite has been fairly well controlled during this time i'll say too, and i was exercising (a little) more.
Posted by zonked on October 8, 2011, at 22:52:06
In reply to Re: A retrospective on my MI and treatment » zonked, posted by uncouth on October 8, 2011, at 19:28:31
When you say a crapload of other stuff what else were you taking?
This is the end of the thread.
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