Posted by zonked on October 1, 2011, at 22:11:20
I started Nardil in June.
I started testosterone (Androgel 25mg/2.5gm 1% testosterone) in late August, but today I can finally apply it every day without skimping. My refill went through effortlessly after having to change drug plans...
I have to let you guys know I may not be as active on the board if certain things happen within the next few days. I have a job offer that is pending; and that will eat most of my time if I get it.
The reason I could even look for work at all, and pursue this with everything I have, is because treatment, ultimately, has worked.
I didn't get the hypomania from Nardil this time, and the effect wasn't as strong as last time, but adding testosterone seems to have "done it" for me. I cleaned most of my house today, that's pretty amazing. I have more energy and things do not bother me as much and my depression and anxiety really really get much better on it.
A couple of thoughts:
One, your support (I'm not naming names so as not to leave anyone else) has helped me endure while waiting, playing around with meds and dosages, and the ups and downs.
Now I am getting used to the fact that "normal" life has its ups and downs. I can usually attribute the downs to external events now, not just down all the time for no reason, and am re-integrating myself into society - slowly. This is harder than waiting for treatment to work because that is *largely* a passive (but not effortless) pursuit. Remembering that everyone has ups and downs, and not letting the downs freeze me - that has been very hard.
I've had many people tell me I'm brilliant. I guess my on-paper IQ is higher than average (although I think there's been some reversible atrophy due to MDD), my life skills need sharpening again and that takes continual vigilance (not to be confused with PTSD-related "hyper"vigilance) on my part.
I guess I just wanted to thank everyone for being here for me; some of you have served as inspiration and mentors to me. Having depression that just lasts and lasts and lasts is a tortuous experience....when treatment starts to work (at least in my case) I've found there was still much work to do. My "brain patterns" about things, I was able to notice once treatment began to work, had been sort of engraved to interpret every disappointment frustration embarrassment as a tragedy. Thankfully, the insight I've gained has (largely but not completely) made me able to steer myself away from despair.
Picking up one's life after chronic MDD isn't as easy as "riding a bicycle" again but it's akin to that. It's more like having to drive a car with the power steering knocked out, and by practice, the power steering gradually restores itself. That's the best analogy I can think of now.
Finally, I acknowledge the possibility of recurrence. I think if I begin to show signs of slipping into relapse I'll march right into the doctor's office and see what can be done to avert it, if anything.
I'm not leaving yet. I just may not post as much. Then again if I don't get this job I may be right back, whining... ;-)
Best to all:
-z
poster:zonked
thread:998521
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20110925/msgs/998521.html