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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 2 to 26 of 39. Go back in thread:
Posted by Phillipa on August 17, 2006, at 18:28:13
In reply to Everyone having bad thoughts needs to read THIS .., posted by UgottaHaveHOPE on August 17, 2006, at 15:43:07
Excellent advise . Love Phillipa
Posted by llrrrpp on August 17, 2006, at 21:43:54
In reply to Re: Everyone having bad thoughts needs to read THIS .. » UgottaHaveHOPE, posted by Phillipa on August 17, 2006, at 18:28:13
Thank you UGHH and finelinebob
That was really touching. I know that a lot of people reading p-babble have been there. I don't know how many lives p-babble saved, but let's just say that it may have saved my life. It's a difficult thing to think about, talk about, reason about-- and having those feelings can be so isolating. It's so good to know that others are around who can know what it's like to get to that point.
Thank you for your voice, FLB. If you're not offended, may I suggest that you speak for some of us who are not so eloquent & gifted with your verbal powers?
-ll
Posted by UgottaHaveHOPE on August 17, 2006, at 22:17:12
In reply to Re: Everyone having bad thoughts needs to read THI, posted by llrrrpp on August 17, 2006, at 21:43:54
Read the first post.
Posted by finelinebob on August 18, 2006, at 2:07:01
In reply to Re: Everyone having bad thoughts needs to read THI, posted by llrrrpp on August 17, 2006, at 21:43:54
> Thank you for your voice, FLB. If you're not offended, may I suggest that you speak for some of us who are not so eloquent & gifted with your verbal powers?
You know not what you ask...
... get me started and I won't shut up! =*b
Thanks =^)
Posted by RN320 on August 20, 2006, at 18:08:34
In reply to Re: Everyone having bad thoughts needs to read THI, posted by finelinebob on August 18, 2006, at 2:07:01
I want to thank you for concern and for trying to give me options to want to live. I've spent days now thinking about each and everyone of those and am still drawing a blank. I haven't been able to talk to my friends about this. My friends are highly educated in the academic field as am I and just don't get how I can find myself in this situation. One of my friends has offered her support and offered to be with me when I do it so that I won't be a lone- which I know is hard to do . Another friend of mine offered to make sure that my cats are taken care of. I can't in all good conscience take the house off of my Mom's name, etc as it would mke such a mess for her.
I used to be a productive member of society....work meant a lot to me, and there's where I met most of my friends. Alot of my friends cannot conceive that I would end up with treatment resistant depression and many have just quit talking to me, which hurts. I know that it's their problem not mine, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I've lost the majority of my family in the past 4 years and my very best friend from lung CA a year ago. We were best friends for almost 25 years and I cannot seem to get over the grief. My therapist is trying to help me with all of this loss, but we just had ANOTHER death in my family a week ago. In addition to that I was informed by Social Seccurity that my Prescription Drug provider Humana, has refunded all of my premiums since January and has also "dis-enrolled" me from their drug plan. That brought on major tears because I would have to pay over $2000 a month. I didn't think that they could do that legally. My docs and congressmen are working on this because they say that they can't do this. And the piece de resistance was that I fell down my stairs- al 11 of them flat on my face this week and was hospitalized in ICU for over a day with a massive concussion. I'm still not feeling right. It just seems like there are so many signs out there that indicate that I shouldn't be here taking up space on earth. There are certainly more deserving people than me. I'm not sure exatly what I did to deserve this perpetual black cloud that seems to be hanging around, but ever day I feel like I am closer and closer. I've noticed since the head injury that my mood is particularily bad.
Thanks again to you all. It has been nice to talk to someone who has been in the same position. I wish I was in the condition to return the favor. Best to you all. Sincerely, M
Posted by Phillipa on August 20, 2006, at 20:42:50
In reply to I'm the person having thought of suicide, posted by RN320 on August 20, 2006, at 18:08:34
Please I too have had multiple losses in the past year and am older but I have to keep going. I think I do this by giving myself responsibilities. I have a cat, a two year old toy poodle, and a nine week old llspsapo puppy. Who would care for them if I'm not here? They're my babies. Do you have any pets? Love Phillipa
Posted by finelinebob on August 20, 2006, at 23:56:31
In reply to I'm the person having thought of suicide, posted by RN320 on August 20, 2006, at 18:08:34
I don't think you're friends are as educated as you (or they) think.
Gimme their phone numbers -- I'll educate them.
My best friend in grad school thought all grad students should be put on medication. So many demands, so much humiliation, all to join a country club. But then again, we were in a psych program and even though it wasn't a clinical program, we had enough general psych background to recognize institutionalized dysfunction when we saw it.
I can see where you're headed, tho. Except I was an undergrad. Treatment-resistant depression --i.e., I was resistant to getting it treated or even acknowledging it. First term finals week ... my last grandparent dies. Second term, finals week ... my great aunt who babysat for my parents so much she practically raised me and my brothers dies. First term, sophomore year -- an uncle I was close to enters the university hospital and every time I visit, his condition gets worse. He dies. Proof, obiviously, that I'm the cause of all this. My grades are tanking. I'm beginning to realize that my dream for my life is dying with my grades, and second semester sophomore year hits with me wondering, "who's next?'
My mom gets in a traffic accident, her heart stops for 4 minutes plus, the doctors come out of hours of surgery not knowing if she'll live the night and, if she does, whether she'll be anything more than a vegetable.
Different but similar paths. Took me a few more failures to make my attempt. I failed miserably. At which point my life became absurdly comic, and I became the leading authority on failure at a university where a B+ in a class could keep you out of that university's med school, law school, whatever.
You might not find the traction to stop your slide down that path. If not, then for all of our sakes (if not your own) I hope you fail miserably, too.
Posted by UgottaHaveHOPE on August 21, 2006, at 1:23:38
In reply to I'm the person having thought of suicide, posted by RN320 on August 20, 2006, at 18:08:34
If you are talking about signs, I see plenty of them in your life and they all point to someone still wants you around. You survived a terrible fall down 11 stairs, but will make a complete recovery from it. You got screwed by the Soc. Security Admin., but now you are becoming active with other people in getting the benefits returned.
Please, please, please, please keep posting your thoughts on here and know that people care. Believe it not, there are people on here that have been in much worse circumstances, and somehow found a way to make it through life, or even make a complete recovery. I am sure it wasnt easy, but they did it and so can we. Every day brings about new hope.
Posted by llrrrpp on August 21, 2006, at 16:50:20
In reply to I'm the person having thought of suicide, posted by RN320 on August 20, 2006, at 18:08:34
RN,
You're going to make it through this, and you will be a better person for it. You will know what real friends mean, and to value a blessing that most people take for granted. Your thoughts seem pretty clear for someone with a major concussion. Let's hope that the knock to your brain was the "kick-start" that your system needs to start to heal itself. Keep on looking for therapies. Treat yourself well, with a healthy diet and as much exercise as you can manage. Try some new medications, or medications that may have worked briefly in the past. Get a Therapist who will listen to you and help you through these rough spots. Sometimes my T has given me a simple, reasonable solution to a problem that was completely overwhelming me. Above all, take care of yourself, because we care about you, and we are here for you.best wishes,
-ll
Posted by exquilter on August 22, 2006, at 23:12:01
In reply to I'm the person having thought of suicide, posted by RN320 on August 20, 2006, at 18:08:34
Dear RN320,
My headache today made me think of you and wonder how you were doing. Please let us know, O.K.?
Exquilter
Posted by cecilia on August 25, 2006, at 3:08:00
In reply to I'm the person having thought of suicide, posted by RN320 on August 20, 2006, at 18:08:34
Are you seriously saying that your friend is offering to be with you if you commit suicide? You do realize she could go to jail for this?
I personally have no great suggestions for treating depression as I've never found anything that works for me (which doesn't mean you won't). But I CAN say that you definitely deserve to live. Prisons are full of mass murderers, rapists, child molesters etc. etc. Only a miniscule percentage ever get the death penalty, the rest live out their lives with full medical benefits, organ transplants if necessary etc. Surely if they deserve to live you do. (I don't believe in the death penalty period, but even if I did I'm CERTAIN you've done nothing to deserve it). Cecilia
Posted by finelinebob on August 25, 2006, at 20:04:07
In reply to Re: I'm the person having thought of suicide » RN320, posted by cecilia on August 25, 2006, at 3:08:00
> I personally have no great suggestions for treating depression as I've never found anything that works for me (which doesn't mean you won't). But I CAN say that you definitely deserve to live. Prisons are full of mass murderers, rapists, child molesters etc. etc. Only a miniscule percentage ever get the death penalty, the rest live out their lives with full medical benefits, organ transplants if necessary etc. Surely if they deserve to live you do. (I don't believe in the death penalty period, but even if I did I'm CERTAIN you've done nothing to deserve it). Cecilia
QFE
flb
(haven't seen that one around here much: Quoted For Emphasis)
Posted by RN320 on August 26, 2006, at 9:01:31
In reply to Re: I'm the person having thought of suicide, posted by exquilter on August 22, 2006, at 23:12:01
Dear Exquilter-
It's been a rough week for me. Saw my pdoc twice because he was concerned at the degree of head injury, and saw my therapist once, who seems equally concerned. My mother (aka Mussolini) has moved in for the week to "keep an eye on me" because it appears there's a question of what types of judgements that I'm making. She won't even leave me alone to go to the grocery store....I need babysitters, and at 49 that's a little hard to take. My whole body still hurts so I'm continuing to sleep a lot. This experience has taken a toll on me in some way- not sure how, but ut;s made it's mark. GOtta go....Mussolini wants to know why I'm spending so much time on the computer. My pdoc and therapist will set her straight next week....I'm pretty sure of that. Thanks for asking. /m
Posted by exquilter on August 26, 2006, at 14:33:00
In reply to Re: I'm the person having thought of suicide, posted by RN320 on August 26, 2006, at 9:01:31
Thanks for letting us know you are still with us. I'm sorry you are still hurting but this too will pass. I'm really happy to hear your Pdoc and T. are keeping a close eye on you. Head injuries can cause strange thinking for some time after they occur so they want to watch for delayed effects,hence Mussolini's ;-) visit. I know its hard to feel watched all the time, but I am quite frankly relieved to hear she is with you while you recover. It's better than the hospital isn't it? At least you can sleep in your own bed and the food is decent.
Please Keep posting when you can. You are in my thoughts and prayersExquilter
Posted by Phillipa on August 26, 2006, at 19:56:17
In reply to Re: I'm the person having thought of suicide, posted by RN320 on August 26, 2006, at 9:01:31
And I haven't answered your e-mail yet. I will later tonight. Love Phillipa
Posted by exquilter on August 30, 2006, at 14:30:38
In reply to Re: I'm the person having thought of suicide, posted by RN320 on August 26, 2006, at 9:01:31
How are you doing today? I'm hoping to hear from you soon, and that you are feeling a bit better.
Exquilter
Posted by RN320 on August 31, 2006, at 23:30:28
In reply to Re: I'm the person having thought of suicide » RN320, posted by exquilter on August 30, 2006, at 14:30:38
Dear Exquilter-
I'm still here....head injury still a problem- took me out of cardiac rehab due to memory and balance problems. Kicked Mussolini out of the house on Monday (she was planning to stay yet another week and I just couldn't take it)and I tried to do it nicely but it ended up badly and for that I feel bad. My T says that based on her behavior it was time for her to go. Balance is off and have chronic headache- internist and pdoc say we need to give it a few weeks to try to resolve on its own before we do anything more. It just gets so discouraging- one minute the EMSAM is working, then my mood swings and now a major fall. I guess that the good news seems to be that I'm probably not able to be impulsive enough to harm myself with the addition of Klonopin and Tylenol#3 even though the suicidal ideation continues. All I really want to do is sleep. Thanks for caring. /m
Posted by exquilter on September 1, 2006, at 13:00:58
In reply to Just Checking In, posted by RN320 on August 31, 2006, at 23:30:28
Glad to hear from you and that you are OK (relatively). Give your body time to heal, feed it well, get the rest you need, but do something every day so you don't get down on yourself. It doesn't Have to be a big thing , even just getting up and dressed can count as can eating a healthy meal. Have you tried a cold pack for your aching head? It couldn't hurt, might help.
The SI can be dealt with even if you just remind yourself you can always do that later and focus on getting through now. It is a product of this illness, not your normal self.
Could you send your mother a thank you note and apologize for hurting her feelings? That doesn't say you were wrong to need your space. Just that you are sorry for the way the end of the visit went.
Nuff bossiness for now, Just one more question. Do you think the dizziness is due to the fall or the fall was due to the dizziness? Could one of your meds be making it worse?
Exquilter
Posted by RN320 on September 1, 2006, at 16:35:11
In reply to Re: Just Checking In, posted by exquilter on September 1, 2006, at 13:00:58
My Mother's got about 20 notes from me over the years, so that might not have much meaning. When dealing with her in any situation that might bring tension we always try the "nice" way first but it always comes to the other way until it gets handled. My T says she's 81 and not going to change, but at the same time I have to do things that are more healthy for me. She's just lost her only living sister........got to give her points for that.....and for putting up with me for over a week........maybe a large plant would do for this one! Good idea- thanks!
I'm trying to do things every day, but finding it really hard. My short term memory on some things really stinks, and my balance is off. I know that I probably shouldn't be driving, but I'm staying off of freeways and sticking close to home. Today, bathing is going to be the big activity..... My BP dropped to 82/38 this week and so my antihypertensives got cut in 1/4. The other drug, which has antihypertensive effects is also used to manage/prevent further heart failure so I need to stay on it. I was so afraid that my pdoc was going to back off of the EMSAM (I'm at 9mg) but he said that we should just watch and see what happens over the next couple of weeks- I have to see him weekly anyway until this head injury thing is resolved. In answer to your question about what I think caused the fall- I have absolutely no idea. I always feel a little lightheaded in the morning, but never enough to pass out. Sometimes with the beta blockers my heart rate will go into the 30's, so I guess that's a possibility. The hypotension caused probably from a combination of factors is most likely the cause as far as I'm concerned. And then there's the fact that I'm a new onset diabetic, and at that time I wasn't checking my bloodsugar, so who knows??!!
What I do know was that my stairwell looked like a major crime had been committed there. Thank God for my wonderful neighbors who got out the Soft Scrub and had all the blood and scuff marks, etc cleaned off by the time my mom saw it. It looks like I really tried to break my fall since I actually pulled up pieces of the wooden molding, trying to hold on. So I can't have been completely unconscious. Getting the blood out of the carpeting at the end of the stairs is another story, however........
My cardiologist looked at the hospital records and was really toasted that there seemed to be no attempt on their part to find out what actually happened. It's like one minute I'm in CT, the next I'm on my way to an observation bed and then all of a sudden they're doing CPR on me and I'm off to ICU. Seen by a neurologist (who discharged me by phone the next day, which is pretty unbelieveable). My cardiologist felt strongly that if I had my own Primary Care Physician that this wouldn't have happened. Well, if that's the reason then it won't be happening again since I just found a PCP this past Monday and like her really well. She knows my pdoc and treated me like a person, not like a crazy person if you know what I mean! Turns out that she knows my immunologist, cardiologist , therapist and pdoc and they all like each other and have actually talked to each other about me this week.
Thank you for your concern about me, Exquilter. It is most appreciated. /m
Posted by finelinebob on September 1, 2006, at 18:29:26
In reply to Re: Just Checking In » exquilter, posted by RN320 on September 1, 2006, at 16:35:11
> Turns out that she knows my immunologist, cardiologist , therapist and pdoc and they all like each other and have actually talked to each other about me this week.
That's wonderful! I found my T through my PCP, my PDoc through my T, and my PDoc and PCP know each other fairly well, too. It's a good feeling when you know they all know and respect each other, and it gives you the feeling you'll be taken care of better for it.
Glad to hear you're making progress. =^)
Posted by exquilter on September 4, 2006, at 19:42:00
In reply to Re: Just Checking In » exquilter, posted by RN320 on September 1, 2006, at 16:35:11
Dear RN-
Glad to hear you are going to a PCP. Having someone who can co-ordinate all your different specialists is valuable. And if you need to be seen in a hurry a call from her may have better results than you might get yourself. Its even better that you feel comfortable with her.
I just tripped and fell myself, but all I did was land hard on my knees and left side. Glad the basement floor is carpeted, but my fibromyalgia is really going to be kicked up now and I'm going to travel on Wednesday. Sure wish I wasn't so clumsy!!!
It sounds like a really bad fall you took. Sounds like they dropped the ball at the hospital too, both by not checking for possible causes for the fall and perhaps by releasing you too soon. Did they explain to you why CPR was neccessary? Seems strange they let you go home so soon after that much trauma. Well, I guess all I really know I learned from TV, so enough second guessing. I hope you continue to heal and are very careful, not to mention treating yourself as kindly as you would a friend who was hurting.
Empathetically yours,
Exquilter
Posted by RN320 on September 4, 2006, at 20:23:56
In reply to Re: Just Checking In, posted by exquilter on September 4, 2006, at 19:42:00
> Dear RN-
>
> Glad to hear you are going to a PCP. Having someone who can co-ordinate all your different specialists is valuable. And if you need to be seen in a hurry a call from her may have better results than you might get yourself. Its even better that you feel comfortable with her.
>
> I just tripped and fell myself, but all I did was land hard on my knees and left side. Glad the basement floor is carpeted, but my fibromyalgia is really going to be kicked up now and I'm going to travel on Wednesday. Sure wish I wasn't so clumsy!!!
>
> It sounds like a really bad fall you took. Sounds like they dropped the ball at the hospital too, both by not checking for possible causes for the fall and perhaps by releasing you too soon. Did they explain to you why CPR was neccessary? Seems strange they let you go home so soon after that much trauma. Well, I guess all I really know I learned from TV, so enough second guessing. I hope you continue to heal and are very careful, not to mention treating yourself as kindly as you would a friend who was hurting.
>
> Empathetically yours,
> ExquilterExquilter-
So sorry to hear about your fall.....glad your injuries don't sound major, but it sounds like you're going to be paying for them in the days to come. I don't know alot about fibromyalgia other than it can be very painful, so I'm sure that these injuries are going to make things more difficult for you.
I'm so glad to be out of that hospital, but I agree that I was probably released too soon. No one ever adequately gave me an explanation as to why they did CPR on me, but at the time I know they thought it was the real thing because the chaplain was called to speak with my family, etc. I have my own theory of why a ten ton gorilla pounded on my chest.........first- I take beta blockers and sometimes my heart rate can run in the 30's.....also a problem with severe head injuries. Second- I'm on antihypertensives as well as EMSAM 9mg and just that week had a pressure of 86/40 so I figured maybe that got a little lower, and the third thing is that I was probably shallow breathing- another thing that happens with severe head injuries. I think that they panicked and really thought that I was crashing at the time. I'll do just about anything to believe that I did NOT have a cardiac arrest at my age!!!! It's just not my style. At least the bruises are starting to heal. My cardiologist remains frosted that they never even looked for a reason that this happened....the whole focus was on getting me out. Her theory is that because at the time I had no PCP, no one wanted to deal with me because they might end up having to actually DO something that's out of their specialty because there's no one to turf it to. That's why she thinks that the neurologist discharged me home over the phone having only seen me once, and that the house officer also discharged me without seeing me even though I had been in an ICU bed 12 hours earlier. It makes sense, but it still stinks if that's the case.
Health care (it seems) has gotten so "managed care oriented" which has birthed the concept of the PCP. And I'm not saying that's a bad thing....it's just that I think they are taking it a bit far. I've still got a massive headache and balance problems but my face and leg are starting to look better. I guess I'm losing that quasimoto look. I'm looking better.....I'm more active, doing more, interacting more with people...yet why do I continue to feel so bad and have the SI? I started getting out documents that I had prepared about a year ago and revised them.....all having to do with my death. And I felt perfectly comfortable doing it. I've done a couple of impulsive things lately- nothing big, but I'm just not an impulsive person- at least I never used to be......and it makes me wonder if this is how it's going to happen? Just an impulsive act after all the planning that went into it. Just makes no sense to me.Took your advice and got my mom a card and also took a big bouquet of flowers, which went over very well. But I think that the best thing for her was that I came over and visited and listened, and listened, and listened.........I heard the story for the first time about how they thought I was going to die in the hospital and how scared they were. Anyway, I think we're all happy now........which is really how I want it.
SAfe travels to you on Wednesday, Exquilter. Rest when you can. /m
Posted by exquilter on September 5, 2006, at 14:52:16
In reply to Re: Just Checking In » exquilter, posted by RN320 on September 4, 2006, at 20:23:56
I'm not as sore today as I feared, thank goodness. I've got a colorful leg but that seems to be about it. My balance seems to be off too. I'm not sure why...
I won't be posting for the next week or so but will probably read every once in a while, so keep in touch. I'll be thinking about you.
Please keep reminding yourself that just due to the head injury, you should not make any life altering decisions right now. I know what its like to have chronic headache (I get migraines)and its really miserable but hang in there. Complain to your Dr. if they don't show signs of improving soon. I'm glad to hear your bruises etc. are healing, and that you are doing a litte something each day. Also glad you made up with your Mom. It must have made you both feel better.
Have you seriously discussed the SI with your pdoc? I have found that adding just 5mg of Abilify has completely gotten rid of that symptom for me. There are things that can help if you can just have the courage to keep trying.
Thanks for answering all my nosey questions.
Exquilter
Posted by RN320 on September 5, 2006, at 15:16:39
In reply to Re: Just Checking In » RN320, posted by exquilter on September 5, 2006, at 14:52:16
My pdoc and therapist are very aware of the SI, and I think that they're both concerned in their own ways. No one wants to put me in the hospital because if anything I regress when I'm in there. So, they see me weekly if not more often when I'm going through one of these periods. I try to be as honest as I can with them both but not as to seem like a drama queen.I did try Abilify a couple of years ago when it first came out and it did nothing for me. The combination of Geodon and Seroquel seem to work the best for me- until something better comes along. I think what I could benefit for the most right now is some sleep....the headache has been so bad that I haven't even slept with the seroquel and klonopin the last few nights. Today my internist noticed a difference from lack of sleep and gave me Tylenol #4- 2 every 4 hours, so that along with the klonopin is really sedating me. Haven't actually slept yet but feel like I'm headed there. Will be seeing a neurologist this Thursday for further evaluation of my head, balance, etc. This is where the value of my PCP really shone through today.....I called to make an appt with the neurologist and the first available appt is October 4th. No negotiations with the little snot on the other end of the phone. I called my internist to ask if she wanted me to wait that long and she said "I'll take care of it" and within 15 minutes I had an appt for this Thursday! Go figure!
Rest well this week. Glad to hear that things aren't quite as bad as you thought that they might be. Try to have a good week. Thanks for your concern about me.......try not to worry about me though, as I feel that I probably fall into one of those "chronic nut case" categories.
/m
Posted by exquilter on September 13, 2006, at 19:56:06
In reply to Re: Just Checking In » exquilter, posted by RN320 on September 5, 2006, at 15:16:39
I'm back, had a nice time w/ family. Pain was not bad except for my feet. I was quite pleased with myself because I walked in all the airports instead of taking the electric carts. My Mom died in December and I missed her more this trip than the last couple times I was home. But I didn't feel devastated by grief or even tearful, just a little lonely for her.
What did the Dr. say about your headaches? Can they help you with them? I hope you are feeling better.
Exquilter
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