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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Phillipa on May 25, 2005, at 18:35:13
In reply to Re: i want to die........, posted by woolav on May 25, 2005, at 6:05:36
I can relate to what you're saying. I wouldn't kill myself because I don't have enough faith to know there is a hereafter. I think it's just a dark hole. When I was young I used to say to myself if you could think when you're dead it wouldn't be so bad. Isn't your trileptal helping? Maybe you need to call your pdoc. You sounded so much happier a while ago. Maybe you are rapid cycling. I know a lot of others will respond to your post. Just stay safe. Remember your appointment with your husband and pdoc went well you said and you said that he seemed to understand better. Maybe he needs counseling to help him deal with it. Fondly, Phillipa
Posted by woolav on May 26, 2005, at 11:12:10
In reply to Re: i want to die........ » woolav, posted by Phillipa on May 25, 2005, at 18:35:13
I just started on the 600mg of trileptal today, so i will give it some time. I am wondering if its a bad idea for me to stay on prozac. I have heard with BP that you shouldnt be on an AD. But my pdoc kept me on it. Anyway..I do think my husband needs to see a counciler, but i doubt he would go. He keeps bringing up things i did during the last episode and then i feel so bad that i roller coaster into major depression. Even last night he basically said i knew exactly what i was doing at the hypo time...and i feel like he will never understand this illness, even though i print things out for him to read etc. I feel like now i am in this all alone. I guess i will see how long i can do this...
S
Posted by SLS on May 26, 2005, at 11:36:40
In reply to i want to die........, posted by woolav on May 24, 2005, at 21:36:28
Hi Woolav.
What drugs have you taken in an attempt to stabilize your moods?
Feeling like you want to die is perfectly natural in the biological state you are in combined with the frustration of the many failures you have suffered to end the pain.
Suicide is more often than not an act of impulse. To understand this is to be able to recognize that it would be unreasonable to come to such a permanent decision while in such a transient state of mind. The impulse itself is usually driven by anxiety, frustration, anger, or aggression.
My advice to you is to continue to seek out as much support as you can (which might include posting here), and try not to isolate. Be sure to contact your health professional to let them know that you are having thoughts of suicide. Perhaps this will motivate them to be more aggressive in your treatment.
Although Lamictal is not an effective drug to use once someone is already manic, it is supposed to help mitigate rapid cycling. If I were you, I might consider combining Trileptal with Lamictal. Just a thought.
- Scott
Posted by 4WD on May 26, 2005, at 16:18:06
In reply to i want to die........, posted by woolav on May 24, 2005, at 21:36:28
> i dont know what to do...
Woolav,
When I see dead animals on the side of the road, my first thought is "well, they're well out of it."
I don't worry about how much I smoke anymore. I'm too scared to kill myself but doing it indirectly seems okay and logical.
I don't want to miss out on the future. But my future just feels like more torture. I just want to stop the pain and frustration and fear.
Marsha
Posted by woolav on May 26, 2005, at 17:23:11
In reply to Re: i want to die........ » woolav, posted by 4WD on May 26, 2005, at 16:18:06
I am taking lamictal and trileptal now. I just started the trileptal last week (i started 600mg today) I am keeping my fingers crossed.
Thanks
S
Posted by woolav on May 26, 2005, at 17:26:31
In reply to Re: i want to die........ » woolav, posted by 4WD on May 26, 2005, at 16:18:06
Hey Marsha, I can totally relate to you. I do think of ways to kill myself though, because if i did get cancer or whatever (i smoke alot too) I would prob. end it there anyway. But, I know what you mean...You just dont give a crap about stuff anymore. Its really sad isnt it?
Why are others happy and we get life full of hurt and frustration etc.. I dont get it..
S
Posted by Camille Dumont on May 26, 2005, at 23:51:57
In reply to Re: i want to die........4WD!!!, posted by woolav on May 26, 2005, at 17:26:31
I can relate to feelings like that. Not particularly bent on dying but at the same time, having no strong inclination towards life. Its like "life by default" but the alternative does not sound too horrible either.
I've come to the conclusion that its linked to my SPD and waht not and little helps with that. So instead of trying to find reasons to live, I force myself to have reasons not to die.
Sometimes when you have someone or something who depends on you, who cannot make it without you, be they pets or children or even other people you help, it gives you a purpose. It makes you feel that if all of a sudden you disappeared, it would not be in complete silence, at least some people or beings would notice. Perhaps needing to be needed is part of what makes life more bearable.
Posted by linkadge on May 27, 2005, at 22:44:01
In reply to Re: i want to die........4WD!!!, posted by Camille Dumont on May 26, 2005, at 23:51:57
If I could find a way, in which me killing myself wouldn't cause a suicidal chain reaction in my family I'd be out, too much pain in this life.
Linkadge
Posted by Maxime on May 27, 2005, at 23:12:53
In reply to Me too, posted by linkadge on May 27, 2005, at 22:44:01
> If I could find a way, in which me killing myself wouldn't cause a suicidal chain reaction in my family I'd be out, too much pain in this life.
>
> LinkadgeSame here. Sometimes I think I am just waiting for my elderly mom to pass on and then I can do it. However she is in better shape than I am at 77 years of age.
Maxime
Posted by linkadge on May 28, 2005, at 0:33:30
In reply to Re: Me too, posted by Maxime on May 27, 2005, at 23:12:53
Yeah, I'm waiting for my manic-depressive mother to pass away before I end my misery. She definately could not handle my death.
I really don't see it as too big a deal anymore.
God gave me the lemming genes.Linkadge
Posted by linkadge on May 28, 2005, at 1:50:18
In reply to Re: Me too, posted by linkadge on May 28, 2005, at 0:33:30
Posted by yesac on May 28, 2005, at 14:52:58
In reply to Re: Me too, posted by linkadge on May 28, 2005, at 0:33:30
Just wanted to get in on the I-don't-want-to-be-alive chat.
I don't want to be alive. Yeah, I'm not really actively suicidal at the moment, and maybe haven't been for a little while now (could it be lithium the anti-suicide drug kicking in?).... but I certainly feel like I pretty much hate being alive and don't want to do it anymore.
They say these feelings are temporary, but I'm not so sure. They might go away at times, but they always come back, for years and years and years. Is that really the definition of "temporary"?
Posted by linkadge on May 28, 2005, at 15:08:18
In reply to Me three, posted by yesac on May 28, 2005, at 14:52:58
Oh sure they say it gets "better", but they fail to mention it gets worse again. Its like me saying, ok life, I've had a fair assesment of you.
Linkadge
Posted by yesac on May 28, 2005, at 15:18:41
In reply to exactly!, posted by linkadge on May 28, 2005, at 15:08:18
> Oh sure they say it gets "better", but they fail to mention it gets worse again. Its like me saying, ok life, I've had a fair assesment of you.
Right-- exactly. I think the people who say it gets better must be the same ones on all those f'ing wellbutrin commercials who say with a gigantic smile, "It's so good to feel like me again". Either that, or they're the people who have never even experienced true depression.I just don't think most people can even begin to comprehend the pain and suffering that many of us on this board go through day after day after day.
It's like someone who's never had a migraine trying to say "oh it'll go away, just take some tylenol."
By the way, I've never had a migraine.
Posted by linkadge on May 28, 2005, at 17:04:22
In reply to Re: exactly! » linkadge, posted by yesac on May 28, 2005, at 15:18:41
"It's like someone who's never had a migraine trying to say "oh it'll go away, just take some tylenol." "
Thats a darned good analogy. Those pople on the wellbutrin commercials are just depressed cause somebody tampered with the caffiene content of their coffee grounds.
I find it pathetic that GSK is allowed to post banners with this title.
"Interested in an antidepressant with low risk of sexual side effects or weight gain ??". Click Here
What happened to the banners in the good old days??
Have you spend the last 72 hours shaking, vomiting, and wracking your brain for the best, and most effective way to end your life ??
Click Here
Posted by Declan on May 28, 2005, at 18:13:20
In reply to Me too, posted by linkadge on May 27, 2005, at 22:44:01
Before I was 25 so many people I knew had either suicided or died as a result of suicidal behaviour, certainly 5 or so. It has a much different effect than a truly natural accidental death. We need to look after ourselves and each other.
Declan
Posted by Declan on May 28, 2005, at 18:24:47
In reply to Me three, posted by yesac on May 28, 2005, at 14:52:58
You're right there, they are not neccesarily temporary at all. But we live, at least here in Australia, in a culture that is really unhelpful with the whole issue of, well suffering I suppose. There is this kind of mindless reflexive mass denial, you see it in the standard greeting "How are you?", a way of committing you too to the denial psychology when you lie to fit in. Other cultures have been better at this than ours. My guess is that this is even worse in The States.
Declan
Posted by linkadge on May 28, 2005, at 18:43:28
In reply to Re: Me three, posted by Declan on May 28, 2005, at 18:24:47
We as humans are so dumb, that even if we found pill that cured depression, we would bump up our standards and our expectations of ourselves so that we would all become depressed again.
The reason I want to kill myself seems so rational to me. It just seems like the most clear cut and logical thing to do. Perhaps thats the lemming genes inside me, but I really don't see it another way. Its like my brain has done the math and said, heres what the formula computes.
Linkadge
Posted by ed_uk on May 28, 2005, at 19:02:22
In reply to Re: Me three, posted by Declan on May 28, 2005, at 18:24:47
>My guess is that this is even worse in The States.
I'd say it's worse in the UK that in most countries.
/Ed
Posted by Maxime on May 28, 2005, at 20:06:16
In reply to the way I see it, posted by linkadge on May 28, 2005, at 18:43:28
Sometimes it scares me as to how rational it feels and seems. People say that suicide is cowardly, but if they had to live with my brain, would they think the same thing?
For me it's a not a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It's a permanent solution to a problem that is going to plague for the rest of my life and a person can only suffer so much. Take pills. Try this and that only to end up feeling much worse.
I very much want to leave this world. And I think that with the amount of suffering I have gone through I earned the right to make that decision. People wouldn't think I was a coward if they had to live in body for a week! Actually we are all very strong people.
Maxime
> We as humans are so dumb, that even if we found pill that cured depression, we would bump up our standards and our expectations of ourselves so that we would all become depressed again.
>
> The reason I want to kill myself seems so rational to me. It just seems like the most clear cut and logical thing to do. Perhaps thats the lemming genes inside me, but I really don't see it another way. Its like my brain has done the math and said, heres what the formula computes.
>
>
> Linkadge
Posted by MidnightBlue on May 28, 2005, at 20:27:59
In reply to Re: the way I see it, posted by Maxime on May 28, 2005, at 20:06:16
I have fought depression--serious depression--on and off for 30 years. In addition I am in almost constant physical pain from orthopedic problems. To choose to live isn't always an easy choice, but it is the RIGHT choice and the best choice.
Each of you have so much to give. This world would be a much sadder place without you.
MidnightBlue
Posted by linkadge on May 28, 2005, at 20:59:58
In reply to Re: the way I see it, posted by MidnightBlue on May 28, 2005, at 20:27:59
But thats the thing. At this stage all people can say to me is things like:
Suicide is wrong...
You will go to hell....
Think of all the people that you will be hurting..
You are a coward for thinking this...I think it is all very pathetic. People realize that they can't make you feel better, so they turn the tables and try to make you feel worse. They *guilt* you into staying alive. AS IF we don't have enough guilt in our lives already.
If your brain does't register pleasure then little else matters.
I feel like saying. Give me 4 weeks, I'd load you up with reserpine, periactin, neuroleptics, opiate blockers, acutaine, and give you 24 hour injections of exceedinly high levels of cortisol, and other inflammitory molecules. I'd inject substances that block the formation of neurons in hippocampus. Just give me 4 weeks and I could make you think about death every second you are alive.
There is no right and wrong, there is only pain and pleasure, and I am sorry but nobody is immune to this. The happiest person in the world could turn very suicidal given the wrong brain chemistry.
I basically *feel* like telling people to work on a cure, or don't talk to me about the issue.
Linkadge
Posted by linkadge on May 28, 2005, at 21:03:17
In reply to Re: the way I see it, posted by linkadge on May 28, 2005, at 20:59:58
Thats exactly it. It is not a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Suicide is extrordinarily temporary (If you do it the right way you suffer more than a few seconds)
Staying alive with depression permanent.
Linkadge
Posted by stresser on May 28, 2005, at 21:48:00
In reply to Re: the way I see it, posted by linkadge on May 28, 2005, at 21:03:17
Link,
I am HAPPY, to see that you are back. I am hurting for you, and don't want you to feel this pain. Please hang in there for us! You don't know what I felt when I saw your name on the posts. -L
Posted by 4WD on May 28, 2005, at 23:19:09
In reply to Re: the way I see it » linkadge, posted by stresser on May 28, 2005, at 21:48:00
I just want the pain to end. And when the pain is bad, like it is right now, it is impossible to feel like it will ever be better.
Right now, I'm not even depressed. I'm just suicidally scared. And I've been scared all day and fighting it all day and it won't go away and I've tried every drug and I've felt scared every day for months and terrified more days than not and I'm so sick of it that I just feel so frustrated and angry and my doctors don't understand or care if they did understand and they're not the ones who come jolting awake every morning after not enough sleep with fear roiling around in their stomachs and I hate them all.
And I am depressed because constant fear = despair.
Linkadge I am so glad you are here.
Marsha
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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