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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Guy on February 1, 2003, at 18:51:58
Has anyone else on this board been severely ill for so long that s/he has given up hope of recovery? I am taking remeron and clonazepam for anxiety, but each day is still a struggle with suicidal thoughts. Deep, deep fear that all has gone wrong and will never be better. Six years going on seven...
Posted by rainbowlight on February 1, 2003, at 19:32:52
In reply to Loss of Hope, posted by Guy on February 1, 2003, at 18:51:58
I know how you feel. Have you tried different meds? Seeing as you are this down I think you need to get some help ASAP. I know it feels like you will never feel better, but you will. I went through a long rough road too. It can be done, just keep fighting. If you get a doctor that doesn't seem to be helping you, find a new one. Reach out for help wherever you can get it.
Posted by Guy on February 1, 2003, at 20:41:23
In reply to Loss of Hope, posted by Guy on February 1, 2003, at 18:51:58
The worst is the constant physical pain (head ache, neck ache, back ache. The combination of pain and anxiety has sent me into a deep black hole.
Posted by Jaynee on February 1, 2003, at 22:50:37
In reply to Re: Loss of Hope, posted by Guy on February 1, 2003, at 20:41:23
Here is an email from my best friend who has been diagnosed with Cancer. They told her about 2 or so years ago she had only 6 months to live. She has been my biggest support during my bouts of depression and she inspires me more than anyone, she shows me what hope is. So when I complain about some side-effects from my AD, I think of what she goes through and I want to love life again, and I am willing to fight for it as well. If one pill doesn't work keep on trying until you get it right.
Here is part of her email:
All that said, I have to write my story - kind of an extreme bankruptcy or survivor story I guess. Would love to do this as a
stand up comedy but need to write the damn thing first! I've been giving some thought to what you asked me months ago
about "how I do this?""Incurable, inoperable, difficult, complex, unfortunate, probably not respond to treatment"
60,000 miles travelled over 3 continents with 17 flights
Moved 7 times in 2 years
8 surgeries leaving 11 scars
Hospitalized 8 times
Lost my hair 2 times
Lost my fertility
Lost my english school business in Japan, my St. Bernard dog, and my container of goods which had just arrived from
Indonesia to finally open my Bed & Breakfast in Japan which I'd been renovating and personally investing in for a year.Lost my life insurance when I returned to Canada for treatment and now ineligible for other life insurance.
Lost my personal possessions in Japan, many friendships, etc.
Lost my puppy which I got at the beginning of chemo but had to give away because I was too sick to care for it properly.
Lost all my savings.
Costs of my medical treatment and living expenses not covered by MSP and financial assistance so far is well over
$200.000.00. (I have to check with XXX and parents on that one. I'm sure it's much higher than that.)Additional costs such as courier fees, long distance charges, vitamins, alternative medicine consults, new clothing to replace
what was lost in Japan and fit changed lifestyle an fluctuations in size due to treatment, etc.Currently living with an unidentified brain lesion, continuing radiation treatments, residual tumor and implants in my heart and
heart vessels, daily pain, restricted movement and sleep disruption.Living without a bank account for over 2 years and cannot qualify for a loan of any kind.
Living as a single woman with no dependents without a partner for emotional, social, financial support.
Quality of Life dependent on government disability assistance (welfare) $850.00/mo. - (examples of this means no vacations,
no access to cultural/sport venues, no drycleaning, no organic food, no more vitamins, no massage, no bicycle, no new shoes,
no skiing, no fine dining, etc. It means by the end of the month I'm often counting the pieces of fruit and vegies I have left,
cashing in my collected change a the corner store, not buying fresh fish anymore, doing all my cooking 3 times a day every
day, even watering down my shampoo and counting Q-tips believe it or not. Other things too but I can' t list them all.Anyhow XXXXXX, when I made up this list the other day I just thought yeah, this has been hell. It's kind of amazing I haven't
ended up on a psychiatric ward, jumped off a bridge or been charged for assault. But you know, it's the simple fact that I
can find inspiration in everything and honestly feel it in my blood (my central nervous system) that provides me the motivation
to live this life. If people do not know how to recognize this inspiration and extract it from their environment for themselves
and others in their life, then they have no beauty in their lives and they're not living.Got to take a break from the computer - pain!!! Hope you like the rambles above. love XX
Posted by utopizen on February 2, 2003, at 0:44:15
In reply to Re: Loss of Hope, posted by Jaynee on February 1, 2003, at 22:50:37
Well, I have to say I just came to this board because I was feeling the same way- like my doc is probably going to realize after a year and a half of not treating me that if he doesn't put me on Klonopin I'll likely not stay in school with my social anxiety, it's just too much too bear..
But it's so much, I struggle to find any hope in anything, even to take the meds anymore. I'm sick of being called sketchy for a thing I've seen a lot of professionals over to try to overcome. It's bothering me too much now, I mean, to be summed up as "sketchy" as if that one word can ever define my entire existence on life by people who never met me before. I don't think my doctor quite realizes what that's like. He's too concerned about my potential week of withdrawl 18 years from now or some nonsense like that.
But as far as the puppy thing goes, the MSPCA does have a program for people with HIV/AIDS and their pets- volunteers come with dog food, etc., take the pets for vet exams, grooming, and walks, so the patients can keep their pets-- I visited one person who said his sister told him he's waiting until he dies so she can get his stereo. The only thing in his life are his two cats, and it would be a shame to see him have to give those up.
Posted by rainbowlight on February 2, 2003, at 2:11:51
In reply to Re: Loss of Hope, posted by utopizen on February 2, 2003, at 0:44:15
I completely understand what you are saying. Many people think I am a flake, can't hold a job. Geez, they don't understand how much fight I have put into just staying alive. It really pisses me off. Sorry, I needed to vent, lol! It is VERY frustrating isn't it? I would love to see these same people fill our shoes for awhile, but I think they would run away terrified after that!
Posted by rainbowlight on February 2, 2003, at 2:13:13
In reply to Re: Loss of Hope, posted by Guy on February 1, 2003, at 20:41:23
Guy, what is the pain caused by? Is it med related? I know quite a few of my meds actually cause head/neck and even facial pain and quite a few of them also aggravate my arthritis.
Posted by Guy on February 2, 2003, at 12:55:04
In reply to Re: Loss of Hope, posted by rainbowlight on February 2, 2003, at 2:13:13
Rainbow, it seems that even one night of poor sleep leaves me feeling as if I'm having a nervous breakdown. When this happens, my entire nervous system is activated all day long, and the pain radiates from my head, down through my neck and into my back. The only thing that keeps me alive is the fact that I do not have a loaded gun in my hand. Today I am feeling considerably better because I slept well last night. However, my bad days far outnumber my good days.
Posted by rainbowlight on February 2, 2003, at 16:37:24
In reply to Re: Loss of Hope, posted by Guy on February 2, 2003, at 12:55:04
I know how rough sleep deprivation is. I have been going through med withdrawel for a month and haven't had a good nights sleep since. It's awful. Is there anything the doctor can do for you to help you get a good nights sleep? I'm sorry you feel so bad. I'm glad you slept well last night though. I hope you have a great day.
Posted by Guy on February 2, 2003, at 18:47:32
In reply to Re: Loss of Hope, posted by rainbowlight on February 2, 2003, at 16:37:24
Rainbow, I'm currently on 1 mg of clonazepam plus Remeron. My pdoc wants me on 2, but I know that even that will not be enough to suppress this horrible anxiety. Today is a good day, but I still I have a knot in my stomach and a constant headache. I'm so scared...I think I may need anti-psychotics to bring this thing under control. It's extreme, it's debilitating, and beyond any "natural" or cognitive treatment. My central nervous system is basically &$#@ed, and I have to live the rest of my life like this. I think I would rather have something terminal so there would be an end in sight.
Posted by rainbowlight on February 2, 2003, at 23:17:55
In reply to Re: Loss of Hope, posted by Guy on February 2, 2003, at 18:47:32
I just got off of Remeron. My pdoc mentioned a few times that Remeron can give people anxiety all by itself. Do you think that could be a possibility? I didn't find clonazepam to be very effective for my anxiety. I have found the SSRI's (in my case, Zoloft) to be the best for anxiety. Have you ever tried an anti-psychotic? It might be worth a try if you are really feeling so bad. My anxiety is beyond therapy, yoga, etc. too. I tried all of that and still had anxiety everyday. How many meds have you tried before?
Posted by cubbybear on February 3, 2003, at 2:36:36
In reply to Loss of Hope, posted by Guy on February 1, 2003, at 18:51:58
Hello Guy,
I'm suffering from the worst depression of my life. I'm 54 yrs. old, American and live in Thailand, by the way. I've had on/off depressive episodes since 1984, anxiety episodes since I was 20. While I haven't been suffering as long as you have (my present problems were ignited last June), I can relate 100% to the feelings of terror that it will never, ever end. Every minute of every waking day is agony and torture.In my latest downturn, it appears pretty certain that the anti-depressant I took, called Aurorix, actually worsened my condition. So I nearly feel as if the drug poisoned me. I KNOW what drug has worked in the past, so I'm planning on going back to the U.S. in early March to get it (then return here). The point is you are not alone. I have been posting a lot on this board and you can see my name frequently if you scan the threads. Now I'm telling you what so many people have told me. You are not alone. Stay in touch. Though our problems are very different, our fears and terrors of never getting out of the nightmare are the same.
This is the end of the thread.
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