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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Andrew on April 17, 2000, at 3:25:59
i am 14, and I used to have a homosexual friend who was constantly filling me with the idea that i was gay, for his personal benefit. This was becasue he was attracted to me. However, one day I looked at him and thought he looked pretty cool with his new style. Since then I have these thoughts that perhaps I am homosexual. Despite the fact that I do not wish to be these thoughts are beginning to scare me. I dont know whether this means i ama gay or if it is just some normal thing guys go through or what. please help me!!
Posted by AndrewB on April 17, 2000, at 6:39:22
In reply to Am I gay?, posted by Andrew on April 17, 2000, at 3:25:59
> i am 14, and I used to have a homosexual friend who was constantly filling me with the idea that i was gay, for his personal benefit. This was becasue he was attracted to me. However, one day I looked at him and thought he looked pretty cool with his new style. Since then I have these thoughts that perhaps I am homosexual. Despite the fact that I do not wish to be these thoughts are beginning to scare me. I dont know whether this means i ama gay or if it is just some normal thing guys go through or what. please help me!!
Thoughts like you are having are normal for those your age. It doesn't mean you are gay. You don't need to worry yourself about them.
Posted by KarenB on April 17, 2000, at 10:36:00
In reply to Re: Am I gay?, posted by AndrewB on April 17, 2000, at 6:39:22
Dear Andrew,
I, for one am glad that the things I thought about between age 14 and 18 did not determine who I would be. The mind is a tricky thing, Andrew. Admiring your friend, thinking he looks cool, these thoughts are totally normal and do not mean you are gay. I look at women a lot myself, sometimes with admiration, sometimes with envy but I don't confuse those emotions with real sexual desire. I even had one homosexual experience myself when I was 17 (and drunk) but I am decidedly not gay today and have never been.
It's easy to get confused when you are just discovering who you are. But, don't let anyone talk you into being something you are not, especially during such a vulnerable stage in your life.
Karen
Posted by Mark H. on April 17, 2000, at 13:00:04
In reply to Am I gay?, posted by Andrew on April 17, 2000, at 3:25:59
Andrew, It's important to remember that you are OK whether you're straight or gay. Around your age, I remember having had sexual feelings for both genders -- I really liked girls A LOT, but sometimes I was only physically close with other guys -- horsing around, playing football, wrestling and stuff -- and I would be embarrassed that I sometimes got aroused. I later realized it's natural, normal and no big deal, and it has nothing to do with whether you're straight or gay.
I've had a number of gay friends over the years, and they all KNEW they were gay from a pretty young age. Just worrying about whether you might be probably means you're not. But don't judge yourself or others either way. People who have a balance of masculine and feminine energies generally have broader and more intimate friendships with both genders.
It's important not to rush into being sexually active. Anyone who pressures you to have sex is not your friend (and I'm not saying your friend does this, just that it can come up). Relax and take your time. You'll know when the time is right for you, and you probably won't feel any confusion at all about your sexual preference.
Posted by boB on April 17, 2000, at 17:32:11
In reply to Re: Am I gay?, posted by Mark H. on April 17, 2000, at 13:00:04
Andrew,
ditto to what those folks said. I only want to add that you were wise enough to recognize your friends self-interest. There is a thing people often go through when they are exploited in that they sympathize with their exploiters. This happens to sexually and physically abused children, who then turn out to be abusers themselves, and it often happens to prisoners, hostages and kidnap victims.
I would not totally discourage you from cutting off your friend, if you feel strong enough to recognize what he is up to. You might gain some strength by helping him face his exploitive tactics and he might get a clue when you refuse to go places alone or refuse to allow much friendly intimacy as long as he acts pushy.
I will say that some of my most sensitive understanding friends are gay, and regardless of desires they sometimes have toward me, for the most part they don't try to mess with my head or my body.
Posted by bob on April 17, 2000, at 22:31:45
In reply to Re: Am I gay?, posted by boB on April 17, 2000, at 17:32:11
Hi Andrew,
At your age -- hah, at ANY age -- it's perfectly fine to "just say no" to any sort of pressure people put on you ... alcohol, heterosexual sex, another serving of Jello (since there's ALWAYS room for Jello), whatever. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, it can wait.
cheers,
bob
Posted by saint james on April 18, 2000, at 17:43:23
In reply to Am I gay?, posted by Andrew on April 17, 2000, at 3:25:59
The best safe place on the net for your age group to discuss these issues is the list serv Youth Guard. Go to: http://www.youth-guard.org/youth/
for more info on this list.james
Posted by harry b. on April 19, 2000, at 6:03:47
In reply to Am I gay?, posted by Andrew on April 17, 2000, at 3:25:59
Hello Andrew,
First, let me say that I am a gay man. I am 49yo, probably older than your parents :).
The experience you described does not, in itself, prove anything. Most young men find themselves questioning their sexuality, especially when they have been in close contact with a friend who is gay. When I was your age I was bewildered, did not know who or what I was. It was frightening. A few years later, by 16yo, I knew without a doubt what my orientation was. Those were still the 'dark ages' of sexuality and so I repressed my feelings. I did that for a long, long time.
I doubt that you are gay. If you should be, though, please get some counseling, learn to love yourself, and be able to live a productive life. Try not to fall into the trap of self denial, as I did, and do not turn to drugs or alcohol as a means of coping.
Best wishes
Posted by Adam on April 19, 2000, at 12:20:05
In reply to Am I gay?, posted by Andrew on April 17, 2000, at 3:25:59
Hey, Andrew,
For one thing, as many people here have suggested, you are probably
a bit young to be too worried about issues of sexual orientation.
Having said that, you and I both know that at your age your body is
(and probably has been for a year or two) changing pretty rapidly,
as well as your level of curiosity about all things sexual. Who
hasn't heard of the stereotype of teenage boys being fixated on sex
and how to get it.A lot later in life (in my early twenties) I went through a period
of deep (though completely irrational) concern about my sexual
orientation. Luckily, at the time I was getting intensive psychotherapy
for obsessive compulsive disorder, and my doctor helped me a great
deal in dealing with issues of sexual identity.I think the most helpful thing he taught me is that, although we have
this rigid system of classifying people as gay, straight, or bisexual,
the reality of human behavior is far more complicated. Many people
who are "straight" have had pleasurable homosexual fantasies, or even
acutal homosexual experiences, but just have a strong preference for
the opposite sex. The same goes for "gay" people. Many people who
prefer the same sex have lived completely "straight" lifestyles for years
without even realising they are "gay" until after they are married and
have kids. The truth is, people are complex. Some theorize we are
all to some degree bisexual, but can lean heavily toward heterosexual or
homosexual preferences.I personally have no idea what is the best way to classify human beings
in terms of their sexual behavior. I question whether or not such
classifications are even useful. Mostly, I think, people just have their
own preferences, and ought to be free to simply enjoy what they enjoy
without having a label put on them. You have plenty of time to learn
about yourself and about your own likes and dislikes, and I urge you to
wait until you feel comfortable with whatever makes you happiest
emotionally before you explore sexuality with another person.> i am 14, and I used to have a homosexual friend who was constantly filling me with the idea that i was gay, for his personal benefit. This was becasue he was attracted to me. However, one day I looked at him and thought he looked pretty cool with his new style. Since then I have these thoughts that perhaps I am homosexual. Despite the fact that I do not wish to be these thoughts are beginning to scare me. I dont know whether this means i ama gay or if it is just some normal thing guys go through or what. please help me!!
Posted by Sean on April 19, 2000, at 14:57:58
In reply to Re: Am I gay?, posted by Adam on April 19, 2000, at 12:20:05
I very much agree. I think the same polarity is
applied to our expectations of each gender as well.
While there are strong "tendencies" each gender has in
terms of behavior, these are often magnified by
our culture. I think there is much more overlap
than we are comfortable with as a society.In one sense, homosexuality is a "gender" issue because
it represents a decoupling of ones biological gender
from the expectations of society and some might
argue, ones plumbing. This decoupling also happens
to persons with various transsexual orientations.
Some of these studies have uncovered biological
markers of various sorts which I find fascinating
from an evolutionary view.In any case, it makes me very sad to see the gender
binary applied brutally - both to men an women, gay
and straight. The difficulty for people who are
outside the "norm" is that they face tremendous
pressure to "be like everybody else", whatever the
heck that means!Sean.
> Hey, Andrew,
>
> For one thing, as many people here have suggested, you are probably
> a bit young to be too worried about issues of sexual orientation.
> Having said that, you and I both know that at your age your body is
> (and probably has been for a year or two) changing pretty rapidly,
> as well as your level of curiosity about all things sexual. Who
> hasn't heard of the stereotype of teenage boys being fixated on sex
> and how to get it.
>
> A lot later in life (in my early twenties) I went through a period
> of deep (though completely irrational) concern about my sexual
> orientation. Luckily, at the time I was getting intensive psychotherapy
> for obsessive compulsive disorder, and my doctor helped me a great
> deal in dealing with issues of sexual identity.
>
> I think the most helpful thing he taught me is that, although we have
> this rigid system of classifying people as gay, straight, or bisexual,
> the reality of human behavior is far more complicated. Many people
> who are "straight" have had pleasurable homosexual fantasies, or even
> acutal homosexual experiences, but just have a strong preference for
> the opposite sex. The same goes for "gay" people. Many people who
> prefer the same sex have lived completely "straight" lifestyles for years
> without even realising they are "gay" until after they are married and
> have kids. The truth is, people are complex. Some theorize we are
> all to some degree bisexual, but can lean heavily toward heterosexual or
> homosexual preferences.
>
> I personally have no idea what is the best way to classify human beings
> in terms of their sexual behavior. I question whether or not such
> classifications are even useful. Mostly, I think, people just have their
> own preferences, and ought to be free to simply enjoy what they enjoy
> without having a label put on them. You have plenty of time to learn
> about yourself and about your own likes and dislikes, and I urge you to
> wait until you feel comfortable with whatever makes you happiest
> emotionally before you explore sexuality with another person.
>
> > i am 14, and I used to have a homosexual friend who was constantly filling me with the idea that i was gay, for his personal benefit. This was becasue he was attracted to me. However, one day I looked at him and thought he looked pretty cool with his new style. Since then I have these thoughts that perhaps I am homosexual. Despite the fact that I do not wish to be these thoughts are beginning to scare me. I dont know whether this means i ama gay or if it is just some normal thing guys go through or what. please help me!!
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