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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by geri122 on January 10, 2004, at 10:25:40
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by LynneDa on January 9, 2004, at 15:29:42
hey i just want to say thanks. and that maybe i will take up your offer but i will tell you know, i won't be as open. It is easier to write then to say
Posted by fallsfall on January 10, 2004, at 12:47:00
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on January 10, 2004, at 10:25:40
Geri,
Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and cheering you on. I hope that things will be better soon.
Posted by LynneDa on January 12, 2004, at 9:00:40
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on January 10, 2004, at 10:25:40
Geri - I understand . . . it is much easier to write true feelings than talk! Just want you to have that option if you need it. My work number is toll free, so there's no long distance charge.
Hang in there and have a good week!
~ Lynne
Posted by geri122 on January 12, 2004, at 15:08:11
In reply to Re: Saturday » geri122, posted by fallsfall on January 10, 2004, at 12:47:00
thanks... i really need. I just seem to be loosing the mean of everything. People are starting to bother me more and more.. i don't want to hide it anymore. To me.. there isn't a need
Posted by LynneDa on January 12, 2004, at 16:19:35
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on January 12, 2004, at 15:08:11
I understand. I would get to the point where I was ready to scream at my boss about the idiotic things she had me doing . . . and if my husband gave me one more long explanation to a question that only required a short answer, I thought I would truly attack him! It is awful when you feel so out of control. It wasn't me, wasn't rational, wasn't normal. Is that what you're feeling?
Try to keep moving forward and do what you have to do to get by while you're going through this. The time will come when it feels right to take action. You are getting there!
~ Lynne
Posted by geri122 on January 15, 2004, at 15:22:49
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by LynneDa on January 12, 2004, at 16:19:35
exactly... and its scary. I tryto control it but sometimes i don't even know its coming.
Posted by LynneDa on January 15, 2004, at 15:39:13
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on January 15, 2004, at 15:22:49
I know, it's like I'm going through it and I wake up when it's over, cursing myself cuz I swore the next time I would stop it or try to control my outburst. I've tried figuring out what sets it off or if I feel any warning signs . . . but it's like this tornado just comes roaring through me without notice.
It has to be hormonal. It is so similar to the weird uncontrollable post-partum feelings I had after having my daughter - but those were just weepy feelings, not angry.
I can tell you, now that I'm on meds, I don't have them anymore. I still have mood swings, I guess that's a perpetual female thing, but not nearly as devastating and damaging as before!!
I hope you can find a solution soon. You'll get there!
~ Lynne
Posted by geri122 on January 26, 2004, at 16:25:56
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by LynneDa on January 15, 2004, at 15:39:13
hello, it has been a while since i last wrote. Within this time, i have had a lot of time to think. I thought i was doing better. I thought that i was gaining control. Then all of a sudden things just changed. a fight with my dad, the thought of not wanting to live anymore. all those thoughts just started to flow it.
Posted by LynneDa on January 26, 2004, at 17:04:43
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on January 26, 2004, at 16:25:56
Hi Geri - Thanks for writing. I've been wondering how you've been! Have you been able to speak to anyone else?
I know you are especially sensitive to maintaining a calm relationship with your Dad, so this fight must have been very upsetting - something like that can really upset the balance of everything you've been fighting to maintain.
Sweetie, please don't give up. Please reach out if you really have a plan to end things. I do know exactly how you feel and I've gotten through those urges many times. I am so glad I did. Your life is worth so much, please don't let your depression tell you otherwise. Just do the basics and get by until you can get help. It's okay to ask for help.
Sometimes you have to take it day by day or even hour by hour. BUT, once you get through the next couple of years, you can chart your own course!!! You will be brave enough at some point to get the help you need - whether it's counseling, meds or both - and then you will be so glad you hung in there.
I so wish you could reach out to your family. It's so unfair that they can't be there for you! Please let me know if there's anything I can do for you. Please reach out to one of your friends. Talking can be such a good outlet for pain and unhappiness & really can allow you to see things more optimistically.
Keep us posted, we all care about you and what happens to you!!
~ Lynne
Posted by sfmom on January 26, 2004, at 22:56:13
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on January 26, 2004, at 16:25:56
> hello, it has been a while since i last wrote. Within this time, i have had a lot of time to think. I thought i was doing better. I thought that i was gaining control. Then all of a sudden things just changed. a fight with my dad, the thought of not wanting to live anymore. all those thoughts just started to flow it.
Hi Geri,
I too, was wondering how you've been doing. I'm sorry that I didn't write for a while, but was kind of caught up in my own mess.
I couldn't agree more with Lynne. It is completely understandable that a fight with your Dad would throw you off. With me it has always been my mom that I was never good enough for, so I really understand. I actually moved out of my parents' house and in with my best friend and her parents when I was 17 and finished up high school living with them. I don't know if it was the best move I've ever made because with all of my newfound freedom I started doing a lot of drugs and sleeping with idiots. Just another senario to keep in mind.
Have you been talking to your friend about things? You mentioned before having her come with you to see a counselor. I really think that's a great idea. We're so much more empowered when we have someone we know is on our side to back us up. (Or to give us a hug.)
When I read about your "freak out" at school, one of the reasons I couldn't respond was that it hit so close to home. Along with my depression, I used to have (before finding the right medication) panic attacks that were terrifying and and seemingly totally out of my control. The reason I started having these panic attacks was my body's way of telling me that I couldn't ignore my depression any longer. And belive me, I did just that for about two years with all the warning signs in place. The last thing I want to do is scare you more than you must already be, but our bodies have an amazing way of making us deal with the issues we need to, or of making us miserable if we don't. But through it all, I still firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, and that we're not dealt anything we can't handle, even if it takes all of our strength. And once you get through it, and are able to look back at the difficult journey you've been through, you have the knowledge for the rest of your life that you have the strength to protect yourself, heal yourself, love yourself, and overcome whatever obsticles that life puts in your way.
The way you have been expressing yourself to us has been honest and true and we all would do whatever we could to help you. But if things are getting worse for you, and it sounds like they are, it might not be enough. We have so much faith in you and in your inner strength and know that when or if you seek professional help (with or without meds) that you can overcome this and come out the other side.
Please let us know what we can do to help you on this journey.
Love, Lyssa
Posted by geri122 on January 29, 2004, at 14:56:48
In reply to Re: Saturday » geri122, posted by sfmom on January 26, 2004, at 22:56:13
I've been trying so hard to maintain my cool and stay in control. I just don't know anymore. I try so hard to be happy. There are so many things that i want/need and because of how i feel i get scared, i run away. I'm running from a guy who could make me happy, because im scared. I can't turn to those closest to me, how can i turn to one i barley know. Its all a haze. I have been getting these headaches that make me crazy. I just don't know... and i am tired of saying that
Posted by LynneDa on January 29, 2004, at 15:10:26
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on January 29, 2004, at 14:56:48
Geri - It's okay to admit you need help getting happy and telling us about it is a good way to try and begin the healing process.
Starting a relationship with someone is hard and scary, especially when you are feeling unsure about yourself in the ways that you are. You seem very overwhelmed and I can understand why. What are you scared of exactly? Letting someone in doesn't mean they have to know everything about you in the first few weeks. You can get to know someone a bit without wearing your heart on your sleeve. Take a chance Geri!!! If you know he's a good guy and you know you're strong enough not to let him hurt you, go for it. Let him in a bit! The amount of stress that having a relationship can relieve (by having fun and having someone care about you) could be enough to start turning things around for you.
Can you tell your parents about your headaches? This could be from anxiety, not eating or it could be you need to have your eyes checked! But you really should get it checked out.
Keep us posted sweetie and hang in there, you'll find a way through this and we are here to help as much as we can!
~ Lynne>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I've been trying so hard to maintain my cool and stay in control. I just don't know anymore. I try so hard to be happy. There are so many things that i want/need and because of how i feel i get scared, i run away. I'm running from a guy who could make me happy, because im scared. I can't turn to those closest to me, how can i turn to one i barley know. Its all a haze. I have been getting these headaches that make me crazy. I just don't know... and i am tired of saying that
Posted by sfmom on January 29, 2004, at 17:30:14
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on January 29, 2004, at 14:56:48
Hi Geri,
I know it seems wierd but sometimes it's a lot harder to open up to the people who are closest to you. One of the great things about therapists is that they do not judge you, no matter what. Also, they've pretty much seen it all so the things that seem so crazy to us actually make sense to them! But it's obvious that you need to talk to someone you can trust. Please keep on posting to us, we'll support you in whatever ways we can, but talking so someone who has been trained to deal with these issues is really helpful and affirming. Take care of yourself and keep us posted.
Love, Lyssa
Posted by LynneDa on January 30, 2004, at 10:31:55
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on January 29, 2004, at 14:56:48
Hi Geri - Here are a few more thoughts I had.
#1 you have to eat. Even if it's just a peanut butter sandwich or piece of fruit or some string cheese. Something with a little protein may help your headaches. So will water, you may be a bit dehydrated.Some things I do when I feel agitated, out of control, etc.:
* Drink something with caffeine in it.
* Eat some chocolate.
* Scream into a pillow - if you're at school, you could take your coat, go in the bathroom, wad it up and scream. I know, weird, but it helps.
* Walk around outside for a few minutes. Are you allowed to go outside your school building during the day? What about just walking around in the gym or shooting baskets?
* Take 2 or 3 very deep breaths, all the way down to your diaphragm - the place you're supposed to yell from when you cheer so you don't wear out your throat!Do something to change the situation physically at that moment, if you can. Sometimes it helps to stop your mind by focusing on your physical body. Hang in there, kiddo, you will get through this!
~ Lynne
Posted by geri122 on January 30, 2004, at 15:25:38
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by LynneDa on January 30, 2004, at 10:31:55
everything you guys have said i've tried, sometimes they work and other times they don't. Sometimes i think i just need a change of enviroment. get away from everything. I need time to myself, away from people and the stress that sets me off.
I will hang in there, and thanks for being here for me. you guys are a lot of help and support
Posted by geri122 on February 3, 2004, at 13:27:33
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on January 30, 2004, at 15:25:38
i have made some descisions within the past couple of months that now that i think about it, shouldn't have. I really need to tell soemone but i don't know how. You see im not proud of what i did, but the sad thing is i would do it again, i might even, can't really say. I just don't want them to tell anyone or get mad. What do i do
Posted by LynneDa on February 3, 2004, at 13:41:43
In reply to Desicions, posted by geri122 on February 3, 2004, at 13:27:33
Geri -
Everyone makes mistakes along the way, even mistakes that hurt other people. There's not one person who goes through life without making at least one really bad choice - if not 2 or 6 or 10!!! I've found it's always better to 'fess up and get it over with rather than let it fester inside of you. Sending a letter usually works pretty well, if you're uncomfortable facing the person. Writing it all out also helps me to organize my thoughts about the issue so if I do want to talk to the person, I'll be ready to explain it logiclly and have answers ready for anything they might throw at me.Can you tell us about it? Maybe we can help you with a solution. You're still learning about how to make decisions, so whatever it is, don't be too hard on yourself, ok?
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
i have made some descisions within the past couple of months that now that i think about it, shouldn't have. I really need to tell soemone but i don't know how. You see im not proud of what i did, but the sad thing is i would do it again, i might even, can't really say. I just don't want them to tell anyone or get mad. What do i do
Posted by geri122 on February 4, 2004, at 9:20:20
In reply to Re: Desicions, posted by LynneDa on February 3, 2004, at 13:41:43
Sometimes i feel like the relationship with my father is my fault. If i was a better daughter we would be better off. I feeled like i have failed him, i should have tried harder, been better, then he would be able to love me and i could love him.
Posted by LynneDa on February 4, 2004, at 10:00:03
In reply to Re: Desicions, posted by geri122 on February 4, 2004, at 9:20:20
Oh my . . . I could have written these lines when I was your age. I felt the same way about my Dad! Honey, you are not responsible for his moods, his attitudes, his weaknesses or unhappiness!!! I cannot stress that enough. He's the grown-up and should take the mature upper hand in a relationship with his child.
Parents have a special influence on their kids and many times it comes across as manipulation vs. love. Families seem to know best how to push each others' buttons, either to annoy each other or to help. And every family does a bit of both! What things do you think you could have done better? Is it something you can talk to him about? I hate to say it, but my Dad wasn't "mature" enough until he hit his 40s to really deal with emotional issues and to look at himself honestly!
Some people, I will say men in particular, are not capable of showing love in the ways we think are appropriate and acceptable. My Dad was so hard on me, always pushing me to do better. He didn't like any emotional outbursts, no complaining, no excuses. I felt like I had to be perfect all the time or I'd be an embarrassment and a failure to him. It wasn't until I was in college that we talked about it and he apologized, believe it or not.
The point is, he loved me, but wasn't good at showing it. The only attention I got was pretty negative cuz he later said he wanted me to do well in the world and thought if he kept on me, he was doing his job. And I was a pretty model kid - good grades, nice friends, never in any trouble, etc. It was hard to take and took me a lot of years to realize it was not my fault, that was just my Dad's way.
Either your Dad is taking something out on you - his own unhappiness or anger at the world - and none of that is your fault in any way, shape or form. Or, your Dad is being hard on you because he sees potential in you and wants you to do well. Either way, you have to understand that you grew up, all these years, with his behaviors and attitudes forming who you are now. He is partially responsible for the person you have and will become. Therefore, you cannot blame yourself. Maybe the 2 of you are too alike and that's why you clash?
Please, please do not take this on yourself by feeling guilty that "if only I was better...". You know what is right and wrong behavior. You know when you're not being a "good" daughter - arguing, doing things purposely to annoy him - all kids do that. You also know when you are trying your hardest and being your best. That is what most parents want from their kids. Just keep being the best self you can be for YOU and try to realize that the way he is is not your fault or your responsibility to try and fix it by being the perfect daughter!
I know this is long, but I hope it helps a bit. I can really relate to how you are feeling!
Take care kiddo,
~ Lynne>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Sometimes i feel like the relationship with my father is my fault. If i was a better daughter we would be better off. I feeled like i have failed him, i should have tried harder, been better, then he would be able to love me and i could love him.
Posted by geri122 on February 4, 2004, at 13:01:14
In reply to Re: Desicions » geri122, posted by LynneDa on February 4, 2004, at 10:00:03
my dad is 50.. he should be mature about it. Everything you discribed about ur father is just like mine. He doesn't even give me space to make my own decisions. Im hanging in don't worry about that... i can't lie tho i thought about what the world would be lke if i wasn't even born.. how would people be and that sort.. but i can't change that can i? NO
Posted by LynneDa on February 4, 2004, at 13:15:13
In reply to Re: Desicions, posted by geri122 on February 4, 2004, at 13:01:14
Well, at 50 I guess he's probably not going to change! You must be off school for a snow day today? Our kids were off earlier this week and probably will be again tomorrow. Anyway, I'm glad you feel you can hang in there. You are on this Earth for a reason, my dear! Don't ever doubt that or wish it didn't happen. I'm sure your Mom would be much worse off without you there if you are stronger than she is, against your Dad I mean.
You will make what you want of YOUR life, once you're given the chance! For another couple years you have to share control with your parents and I know that is really difficult sometimes.
Just be as respectful as you can, within reason, and remember that some people just can't show love the way we think of as acceptable. I know it's hard to live with a "micro-manager", as we call it here at work. Another word is "control freak". But I don't think there's anything malicious about either of those types of people. They just think they know what's best for everyone else! Just think of the good practice this is for your future job - if you can deal with your Dad, you'll be able to maneuver your way through all sorts of personality issues in the workplace - and that will allow you to go very far in your career, believe me!
Hang in there! I think you're a strong person and you can find your way through this!
~ Lynne
my dad is 50.. he should be mature about it. Everything you discribed about ur father is just like mine. He doesn't even give me space to make my own decisions. Im hanging in don't worry about that... i can't lie tho i thought about what the world would be lke if i wasn't even born.. how would people be and that sort.. but i can't change that can i? NO
Posted by geri122 on February 17, 2004, at 13:20:48
In reply to Re: Desicions, posted by LynneDa on February 4, 2004, at 13:15:13
its been a while since i have last posted. I just want to let you know that i am still here and still healthy. Nothing has really changed... but i am trying to cope and deal with it. I will try to post here more frequently.
Posted by LynneDa on February 17, 2004, at 13:34:20
In reply to Re: Desicions, posted by geri122 on February 17, 2004, at 13:20:48
Hi! I'm glad to hear from you. It sounds like you're doing what you can and maintaining - which is better than sinking . . . good for you:-) Take care, I'm pulling for you - that your bad feelings will go away and/or that you learn really good coping skills to get through them!
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>its been a while since i have last posted. I just want to let you know that i am still here and still healthy. Nothing has really changed... but i am trying to cope and deal with it. I will try to post here more frequently.
>
>
Posted by geri122 on March 24, 2004, at 18:15:52
In reply to Re: Desicions, posted by LynneDa on February 17, 2004, at 13:34:20
It has been a very long time since i last wrote. For a while things were acually looking up, but then life made its turn. I lost control of myself. I spent the night at a friends house and well we went out, to a party. We started to drink and all of my problems seemed to disappear. I didn't have to think about my life and how horrible it was. I liked it. That was about 3 months ago, I've been doing the same since. I thought that my life was hell before, but ever since i made the decision to try to drown my problems away, everything just seemed to get worse. I have lost all my friends, but the worst part of it is i have disappointed my sister. The other night i told her i love you and good night and she couldn't say it back. I cryed. It hurt me soo much. I just wanted everything to be ok in my life. I mean i tried almost everything else. I'm really alone now. Everything is soo wrong. I mean, i'm done. i look aroung and see what it is doing to my life. I really am done. I told that to a friend and she didn't believe. This is the same friend that i use to tell everything. She was always there for me and now during a time that i need her most she leaves me. Im dying inside. I really am. I don't know what to do. And the sad thing i really don't care. I have gotten to that point were i do not care. Im sorry that i am all of a sudden telling you guys this, but i need to tell someone this. I need to!
Here, this is something i wrote about my life:
They turned their backs,
And walked away.
They leave me here,
Alone to stray.
I lost all hope of what i had,
My life has gone from good to bad.
They thought they knew about my life,
My back was stabbed with a knife.
I live in fear from all the rest,
I hide behind what's not the best.
Afraid of what could really be,
Somthing worth while for me.
They musy be perfect as could be,
Because now they all seem to judge me.
That one decision that i made,
What I'd do to make a trade.
I'm forced to walk the world in shame,
Now whose the one that i should blame?
THey turned their backs,
And walked away.
They leave me here,
Alone to stray.
They say their worried, that's their excuse,
Then why can't we make a truse?
THey run their mouths about my life,
Again, there goes another knife.
"Friends Forever" we use to say,
Why doesn't that mean something today?
Posted by fallsfall on March 25, 2004, at 8:10:25
In reply to Re: Desicions, posted by geri122 on March 24, 2004, at 18:15:52
Hi Geri,
I'm glad you posted again.
Alcohol can certain make it seem like the problems just go away. I think that you are very smart to realize that it doesn't really do that - that it really makes things worse. I'm so glad you could figure this out in 3 months. Lots of people take a lifetime to understand that.
A term that people use for this is "self-medicating". You were using Alcohol as a medicine to dull your pain, and you were "prescribing" it for yourself. This is such a common thing. Don't be mad that you did it, given how much pain you have been in, it is really quite understandable. But do recognize that for you to go to that extreme must mean that you really do have some situations that you feel are out of control. Recognizing that is important.
I remember that you had a favorite teacher (was it you English teacher from a previous year? my memory is terrible...). Could you think about talking to her? You can tell her that you need to talk to someone, but that you have to ask her to promise not to tell anyone what you say. She can keep that promise as long as you aren't about to kill yourself. It doesn't sound like you are ready to do that, are you? Or talk to the Guidance Counselor you mentioned.
You can start slowly - start with the situation with your friends and your sister, maybe. That you feel like they are all deserting you. Maybe that topic won't feel too scary. If she asks why you think they are doing this, you can say that you aren't quite comfortable talking about the reasons quite yet. What you need right now is for someone (some real, live, flesh and blood person) to know and understand that you are hurting. You don't have to talk about the alcohol, or the depression, or your parents. Just let someone know that you are hurting and need some support. It may be a very short conversation, and they may only be able to say "Gee, Geri, I can tell that you are really upset by this. I wish that life wasn't so hard for you. I can't really help you right now, because I don't know what is going on. But I am sorry that you are in such a bad position right now. If you decide that you want to tell me more later, I would be happy to listen."
I wish that I was your teacher or Guidance Counselor so that I could say that to you.
(((((Geri)))))
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