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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 46. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan J on October 16, 2003, at 11:59:36
OK, so I've been at this internet dating thing close to 2 weeks. One guy wants to fly me across country, sight unseen (as if that matters), and put me up in a hotel. He said, you only live once, right? I say I want to keep on living.....
Another guy curses me out by e-mail because I didn't respond to his e-mail that he sent *this* morning...
Another guy tells me he's been into the swinging lifestyle for the past 10 years but doesn't have to go that route if I don't want. Um, yeah, I see *him* changing.
One guy tells me, in great detail (worse than the Kill Bill movie gore) exactly how great he is in bed, exactly what he does, and how ex-girlfriends (by name!) really liked this...or this...or this....
Is it asking too much to even *meet* a stable guy, much less date one????
Then, there is the seemingly nice, normal guy that I've been writing to for a week now. But suddenly, he hasn't written.
So do I scare off the normal ones and attract the weirdos, or what?????
Susan
Posted by madwand on October 16, 2003, at 12:22:47
In reply to Scary Internet Dating, posted by Susan J on October 16, 2003, at 11:59:36
Hi Susan,
Part of the problem is that online tends to distort normal perceptions. Thus the fellow you perceive as "normal" might be unsuitable but one of the ones you perceive as "weirdos" might turn out to be a good match.
I have to confess, though, that my perspective comes from having been on the "male" side of the internet dating scenario. It seems as though you get a response and then (for reasons that are difficult to discern, despite going over and over the dialogs looking for what went wrong) the person just goes away . Or you never hear back in the first place and wonder what peculiar nuance you got wrong in the opening note.
Anyway, I would have two thoughts for you. One would be to write to the "normal" one that has stopped responding (this is the one who got the picture, right?) and level with him about where you are at. Say that you are starting to interpret his non-response as a negative reaction to the picture and that you would appreciate clarification (try to do this like an inquiry not a "why haven't you written me?" accusation).
As for the weirdos, you might consider giving them a second look rather than an outright dismissal. Tell the guy who went on and on about his sexual prowess that, "that's interesting, but its a little too earlier in the relationship to go into that level of detail". Same thing with the "hotel room" guy. Tell him that it is a generous offer, but you need/want to get to know him better first.
My apologies if this perspective isn't what you wanted, but I hope that a "male" perspective might help. Don't forget the "mars/venus" thing -- guys
do a lot better with explicit, verbal communication. Good luck!Michael
Posted by Susan J on October 16, 2003, at 12:47:30
In reply to Re: Scary Internet Dating » Susan J, posted by madwand on October 16, 2003, at 12:22:47
Hi,
>>One would be to write to the "normal" one that has stopped responding (this is the one who got the picture, right?)
<<Wow, you've been following my saga. :-) Actually, the picture dude *did* write back this weekend....said he went on a date with another person he met on the service and *wasn't the kind of guy to talk to more than one woman.* OK, I respect his answering back. But I don't go for the not *speaking* to more than one woman. He had said he'd get back to me because he had a lot he wanted to respond to in my prior e-mail, and left me hanging. Just answering that e-mail and then saying like he didn't feel we were a good match would have been fine with me. Sometimes *I* need it spelled out loud and clearly, too. :-)This was another *normal* guy who had written to me (*I* don't have a moral issue with e-mailing more than one guy at a time, I'm such a sinner.) :-) He didn't seem like a perfect match, but seemed really nice, and interesting enough that I wanted to get to know him better. But I'm getting a thick skin now, and it doesn't bug me so much. I've got to realize this isn't like actually conversing with someone in person...
>>"that's interesting, but its a little too earlier in the relationship to go into that level of detail".
<<Do you think that would work? That behavior is a little far off my *normal* meter, I guess I thought it would be difficult to get back onto normal ground with him. Hmmmmm, maybe *this* is why I'm single! :-)I love to write and personally would prefer a little more time getting to know someone by e-mail before it took the next step (phone/date/etc.). I'm finding men seem to want to jump right in....
>>My apologies if this perspective isn't what you wanted, but I hope that a "male" perspective might help. Don't forget the "mars/venus" thing --guys do a lot better with explicit, verbal communication.
<<No, I really appreciate it. I do truly believe that the sexes are, in general, wired/socialized to be quite different from one another. I actually was very explicit to the guy who accused me of playing games with him because I didn't answer his morning e-mail. We'll see what happens...>>Good luck!
<<Thanks!Susan
Posted by Wildflower on October 16, 2003, at 12:53:55
In reply to Scary Internet Dating, posted by Susan J on October 16, 2003, at 11:59:36
Trust me, I know how scary it is. I had a seemingly normal guy email me for a while and then he finally sent his picture. He was wearing a very feminine shirt with a feather boa. The sad part is that he admitted that is was not a joke or costume. He was truly comfortable with, himself and his choice in clothing. Good for him but scary for me.
Another guy I met - also appearing normal - admitted that he was married and that he and his wife were lookig for a "date". No thanks!
And yes, I got a few nasty emails from men that I didn't reply to within a few hours. Those are the ones I absolutly needed to stay away from.
The good news is that I did meet a nice guy online. We still talk but we're just not meant to be as a couple.
I keep telling myself that I'll meet my match when I'm not looking. For example, one day while putting gas in my car some nice looking guy will be at the next pump over and ask me out. Who knows if this stuff really happens.
Good luck with the search!
Posted by WakingDreamer on October 16, 2003, at 13:00:48
In reply to Scary Internet Dating, posted by Susan J on October 16, 2003, at 11:59:36
oh, susan i hear you. im slowly getting back into contemplating the possibility of non-pained social interactions, dating or otherwise, and it seems i'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. im so tired of men responding only to my looks, i thought internet personals would be a good way to find men who would be attracted to my personality, but it doesn't seem the lesser of two evils, just a different evil.
one guy sends very well-written e-mails ... and minutes later, picayune corrections to his own writing. i do scare men off, irl or on-line, i have a painful set of losses not too far behind me, and spend a lot of time caring for a disabled sibling who lives with me. i find it especially difficult to meet men whose ideal world doesnt insist on having children, i just cant go through that again.
i hope your contact experiences improve. ive honestlz found more nice people (not dates but at this point, who's hoping?) through a hobby club I'm in than I have on-line.
Posted by oeps7 on October 16, 2003, at 13:18:07
In reply to Re: Scary Internet Dating, posted by WakingDreamer on October 16, 2003, at 13:00:48
Susan J just be careful who you meet. I know I sound like a mother but meet them in a public place. People can be whoever they want to be online. Do not do anything risky thinking it will be okay just this one time. There are too many unstable people out there who want to do harm to others. Not to sound negative. There are some wonderful people too :O)!
Mary
Posted by Susan J on October 16, 2003, at 13:24:22
In reply to Re: Scary Internet Dating, posted by oeps7 on October 16, 2003, at 13:18:07
No, I totally agree. I think my first meeting with anyone will be at Starbucks or something. Daylight. Public place. Lotsa people. :-)
Plus, as an attorney, I can access (legally, I better say that) all sorts of legal records such as marriage records, etc. so I can *confirm* if someone actually is single or not...
Posted by lil' jimi on October 16, 2003, at 18:53:15
In reply to Scary Internet Dating, posted by Susan J on October 16, 2003, at 11:59:36
... ... and we may never give anyone a phone number now ....
... see my post below.
... i know that you are smart enough to be careful
... i would hope everyone had your good sense ...be careful out there,
~ jim
Posted by Susan J on October 17, 2003, at 10:01:17
In reply to Scary Internet Dating, posted by Susan J on October 16, 2003, at 11:59:36
Sooooo, there was another guy who seems fairly fun and normal and shares my interest for movies and dogs, and actually lives about 10 minutes away from me...
And he just told me this morning on e-mail that he's homeless.
I wonder, should I ask, if he has no roof over his head, how he pays for an internet dating service?
S.
Posted by octopusprime on October 17, 2003, at 11:10:25
In reply to Hahahahah! It's just getting to be too funny!, posted by Susan J on October 17, 2003, at 10:01:17
SusanJ, hide your credit cards from the homeless guy and trust your instincts!
lol
while i find your predicament humourous, it's not intended as a slight. there are good, nice people on dating services - after all, you're on one. :)
i don't think it's you. i've long believed that 95% of humanity isn't worth bothering with. now where's that rock under which the remaining 5% are hiding? ...
keep turning over the rocks, SusanJ. trust your gut if you haven't got one that seems "right". however, you're not looking for perfection, just somebody to meet for coffee ...
good luck!
Posted by oeps7 on October 17, 2003, at 12:54:19
In reply to Re: Hahahahah! It's just getting to be too funny!, posted by octopusprime on October 17, 2003, at 11:10:25
hehe sounds like you've had some lovely people respond to your ad.
Your Prince Charming is waiting in the wings.
When I did the newspaper ad dating there were some nice guys and wackos - I guess it's a matter of sifting through.
Starbucks sounds like a good safe place to meet these people.
Posted by Wildflower on October 17, 2003, at 14:05:41
In reply to Re: Hahahahah! It's just getting to be too funny!, posted by oeps7 on October 17, 2003, at 12:54:19
Posted by Susan J on October 17, 2003, at 14:16:47
In reply to Maybe it's time to change your dating service ;-) (nm), posted by Wildflower on October 17, 2003, at 14:05:41
Hahahahahah!
I'm getting a few interesting, almost-normal types of guys. None of those has gotten anywhere yet past e-mail, but maybe.....
Posted by Liligoth on October 17, 2003, at 19:05:33
In reply to Scary Internet Dating, posted by Susan J on October 16, 2003, at 11:59:36
LOL!! Sorry Susan your situation isnt funny but the way you word things is. At least you are looking at the funny side. There are a lot of freaks out there. Dont despair & give up there are normal ones out there!
Posted by Liligoth on October 17, 2003, at 19:10:18
In reply to Re: Scary Internet Dating, posted by Wildflower on October 16, 2003, at 12:53:55
> Trust me, I know how scary it is. I had a seemingly normal guy email me for a while and then he finally sent his picture. He was wearing a very feminine shirt with a feather boa. The sad part is that he admitted that is was not a joke or costume. He was truly comfortable with, himself and his choice in clothing. Good for him but scary for me.
>
> Another guy I met - also appearing normal - admitted that he was married and that he and his wife were lookig for a "date". No thanks!
>
> And yes, I got a few nasty emails from men that I didn't reply to within a few hours. Those are the ones I absolutly needed to stay away from.
>
> The good news is that I did meet a nice guy online. We still talk but we're just not meant to be as a couple.
>
> I keep telling myself that I'll meet my match when I'm not looking. For example, one day while putting gas in my car some nice looking guy will be at the next pump over and ask me out. Who knows if this stuff really happens.
>
> Good luck with the search!
people are so different! I would have responded quite positively to the guy in the boa & his openness letting you know right away that he has his little 'quirks'. I wonder why that would be scary?
Posted by Liligoth on October 17, 2003, at 19:13:22
In reply to Re: Scary Internet Dating, posted by WakingDreamer on October 16, 2003, at 13:00:48
<snip> i hope your contact experiences improve. ive honestlz found more nice people (not dates but at this point, who's hoping?) through a hobby club I'm in than I have on-line.
<snip>yes ditto that & I met my partner through an online chat board that wasnt a dating/singles board so it was an accidental byproduct of a hobby/activities sort of group. I think this works very well irl & online for meeting like minded people
Posted by Liligoth on October 17, 2003, at 19:15:19
In reply to Re: Scary Internet Dating, posted by oeps7 on October 16, 2003, at 13:18:07
> Susan J just be careful who you meet. I know I sound like a mother but meet them in a public place. People can be whoever they want to be online. Do not do anything risky thinking it will be okay just this one time. There are too many unstable people out there who want to do harm to others. Not to sound negative. There are some wonderful people too :O)!
> MaryA BIG: 'you are right Mary'. I think public meetings even before you give irl address & phone number. Once someone has your details you are vulnerable to harrassment
Posted by Liligoth on October 17, 2003, at 19:16:18
In reply to re: Scary Internet Dating » Susan J, posted by lil' jimi on October 16, 2003, at 18:53:15
Posted by lil' jimi on October 17, 2003, at 20:14:29
In reply to WB Lil Jimi!!! (nm) » lil' jimi, posted by Liligoth on October 17, 2003, at 19:16:18
Posted by madwand on October 17, 2003, at 20:15:31
In reply to Re: Scary Internet Dating » Wildflower, posted by Liligoth on October 17, 2003, at 19:10:18
I confess I was curious the same thing (i.e., why would the feather boa and feminine shirt be a problem).
Posted by jay on October 17, 2003, at 21:02:14
In reply to Scary Internet Dating, posted by Susan J on October 16, 2003, at 11:59:36
I just first wanted to say thanx for the very nice supportive posts you gave to me when I was in very dark times. It means a lot...seriously.
About Internet dating...oyyyy. Well, I am a single 33 year old guy, and have had some very, uh, 'eclectic' internet dating experiences. I *always* figure I have to impress who I go out with...even if I have no idea what they look like beforehand. (Like you said...that's not really important anyways.) My last experience was with a gal who, about halfway through our 'date', divulged she was married. (Well...separated...but for two weeks!!!) She really came on strong to me too, but then little details about her situation slipped out and I was just very turned off. You know, I have been told I look young for my age, and I keep myself well, but I *always* end up dating woman who seem to be in some kind of marriage problem, and often aren't even "divorced". I understand that at this age group that is bound to happen, but I am still naive for letting it all happen. I am broke half the time because I like to treat a gal well...and have some fun by going to the 'big city' (In my case..Toronto), and I don't just look for a casual "encounter" by getting some cheap hotel room and plan on spending the day there doing, uh, 'horizontal gymnastics'...heheh. Even for a guy, that is also a very dangerous thing to do these days. Although, as a bit of a joke, having worked in social work, I have a police clearance certificate and I always bring it with me and my i.d. and show it to whomever I am going out with..lol.
So...that leads me to know....lonely and ya a bit sad because of it, but I always keep the spark alive by saying "SOMETHING will come up..", as that has been what got me through my deepest, darkest depressive and anxiety states. And...that is yet another story of a lonely guy hanging out in pixilated space! Maybe I should try Yoga classes?!?! So...what is your sign?...heheee..lol
Peace and light,
Jay
Posted by Zarah78 on October 17, 2003, at 21:30:35
In reply to Scary Internet Dating, posted by Susan J on October 16, 2003, at 11:59:36
I was going to reply to this post yesterday while I was at work, but then someone wandered in and gave me something to do and then the site went goofy and well.. procrastination is king, no? :)
Anyway, I've been doing the internet "meeting/dating" thing for a few years now and can understand your frustration with the "freaks and weirdos" ratio of response. I'd agree with the poster (I'm sorry, I forgot who!) who suggested going to a hobby site or something of that nature thats more in line with helping find people with something in common. Dating sites, I've noticed seem to get a lot more hits from the scary folks. Also, definitely meet in a public place, but I'd suggest doing so after talking on the phone with the guy a few dozen times prior. Cell phones are best for that, I think, because its harder for a stalker to run to the net and do a reverse phone lookup and get your address. Phone converstaions will give you a better idea of who someone is, IMO. And I usually ask a few repeated questions to get an idea of honesty. "How old did you say you were?" "You have.. 3 sisters, 2 cats? Or 2 sisters, 3 cats?" Always keeping in mind how they answered before. If stories start changing, "I coulda sworn you said X before..." and see what happens. Easy to block a # from calling you with a cell after you've hung up, if you've decided he's far from perfect. :)
And if a guy gets too pushy to meet you in person sooner than your comfortable, let him know! If he gets snippy, be careful, maybe find out why he's being like that and explain your opinions. :)
They aren't all bad! I'm still dating a guy I met in May '02. And before that, I almost married a guy I'd met online after dating for over 2.5 yrs (we're still friends). These days, its hard to find a good place to meet good people, it seems. Bars.. clubs.. all noisy. Work.. coworker dating can get ugly. Could take a class? Not really many good places anymore. Then there's the whole depression/not wanting to leave the house issue to deal with.
I wish you the best of luck! :)
(((SusanJ)))-Z
Who still uses internet dating in spite of the stalkers and weirdos!
Posted by Susan J on October 18, 2003, at 10:19:00
In reply to Re: Scary Internet Dating » Susan J, posted by jay on October 17, 2003, at 21:02:14
Jay,
> I just first wanted to say thanx for the very nice supportive posts you gave to me when I was in very dark times. It means a lot...seriously.
<<Of course. I hope something I said was comforting. :-)> My last experience was with a gal who, about halfway through our 'date', divulged she was married. (Well...separated...but for two weeks!!!)
<<Yeah, I'm a little worried about that, but like I said before, I can look up marriage records to see if someone's still married. Fortunately, I've never really run into dating a married guy (as far as I know).
>>but I *always* end up dating woman who seem to be in some kind of marriage problem, and often aren't even "divorced".
<<Do you have any idea *why* that happens to you? Like my own pattern, I end up doing everything for the guy and get nothing in return. It doesn't start out that way, but always seems to end that way. I don't know how I get myself into it....time and time again.>>uh, 'horizontal gymnastics'...heheh. Even for a guy, that is also a very dangerous thing to do these days.
<<Yes, it is. Although it seems casual sex has made a huge comeback in the past several years. A bit scary to me. I learned a great deal from the misfortune of a friend of mine back in college, who was dating a *med* student! Even though she practiced very safe sex, condoms and more, she still ended up with genital warts. *My* lesson learned, you gotta like/care about/love the guy enough to risk contracting something, something permanent, or perhaps even something fatal. Really puts a damper on that casual stuff. :-)> So...that leads me to know....lonely and ya a bit sad because of it, but I always keep the spark alive by saying "SOMETHING will come up..", as that has been what got me through my deepest, darkest depressive and anxiety states.
<<I know the feeling. But I am actually *not* lonely right now. (Trust me, that's a new one for me, who's the biggest romantic of all and believes in soul mates and all that). I'm feeling better than I have in years, seem fairly happy, and figured this is the *best* time to try and find a guy.>> And...that is yet another story of a lonely guy hanging out in pixilated space! Maybe I should try Yoga classes?!?! So...what is your sign?...heheee..lol
<<Hahahh! I always thought it was easier for a guy to get a date than a woman, since men generally do the asking. Not?One *bad* thing I've heard for men on the net, though. Did I write this already? If so, I apologize. I have a male friend who wasn't getting many responses when he listed his salary as around $50,000 on one of these sites (avg. salary in this area is about $45,000 for a man). But when he increased it to $150,000 to see what would happen (and changed nothing else), he got *tons* of inquiries. I felt really sorry for him, and really concerned that so many women seem to care so strongly about money.
Good luck with everything. :-)
Susan
Posted by Susan J on October 18, 2003, at 10:27:53
In reply to Re: Scary Internet Dating » Liligoth, posted by madwand on October 17, 2003, at 20:15:31
> I confess I was curious the same thing (i.e., why would the feather boa and feminine shirt be a problem).
<<I don't think that's a *problem* per se but more a matter of preference. I too would admire his self confidence and honesty and openness, but it doesn't mean I'd want to date him.
I'm not turned off by height, weight, facial features, hair or lack thereof. But I think an overly-feminine dressing man would not be my cup of tea. The same as a I'd be turned off by a man who didn't bathe on a regular basis. It's just not somebody that I would want to be physically affectionate with, and perhaps would make a great friend, but not a great lover/partner for me.
Yes, that might be my loss. But I don't think it's something I can overcome. And a guy who is most comfortable expressing his feminine side that way deserves a better, or more compatible partner, than me.
Posted by madwand on October 18, 2003, at 10:38:18
In reply to The boa » madwand, posted by Susan J on October 18, 2003, at 10:27:53
Congratulations on being honest with yourself about would work and not work. But I am confused. I thought it was Wildflower who had the feather boa encounter.
Perhaps this guy just gets around?? :)Michael
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