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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 43. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by saturn on June 15, 2006, at 17:20:57
I decided some time ago not to have children, *primarily* for the following reasons:
a. life is hard (in a nutshell)
b. not wanting to pass on certain heritable traits.Regarding A: I do not mean this to be pessimistic. I am an optimist and love so many things about life; there is so much beauty and joy to be experienced in this world.
However, on the whole I think it's also accurate to say that in this life one is only guaranteed pain and death. One may also be blessed with love and happiness etc...but they are not guaranteed.
This world is too far from the kind I would wish upon anyone I love or would love, and IMHO it is changing for the worse not better.Please do not take this as "I hate life" or a "this world sucks" attitude or rant. I am grateful for all health and love I have been personally blessed with and try to be a kind and caring person. I see no benefit in focusing on the negative, but rather prefer to focus on and nurture the positive.
Regarding B: Even in a better world I would not wish to create a child who would likely have ADHD and other heritable conditions which I posess and run in my family.
Can anyone relate? Peace. Saturn
Posted by ClearSkies on June 15, 2006, at 18:03:04
In reply to not wanting children...can anyone relate?, posted by saturn on June 15, 2006, at 17:20:57
My sister and I both made conscious decisions not to have children, because of reason B.
ClearSkies
Posted by saturn on June 15, 2006, at 18:12:59
In reply to Oh, yeah. » saturn, posted by ClearSkies on June 15, 2006, at 18:03:04
> My sister and I both made conscious decisions not to have children, because of reason B.
Thanks for the response. It's nice to know I'm not alone in this thinking. I rarely hear of people considering reason B, though it's probably not something that would just come up in conversation.
Posted by Phillipa on June 15, 2006, at 20:03:51
In reply to Re: Oh, yeah. » ClearSkies, posted by saturn on June 15, 2006, at 18:12:59
I was only l8 when I got pregnant the first time. And my depression and snxiety weren't an issue. And that was the thing to do get pregnant. My whole graduating class was married and pregant in the first year out of school. Love Phillipa
Posted by sleepygirl on June 15, 2006, at 20:06:34
In reply to not wanting children...can anyone relate?, posted by saturn on June 15, 2006, at 17:20:57
yeah...but it is mostly because I am afraid I would hurt them
I'm not sure I could give them what I didn't have
I don't know about my gene pool...nature vs. nurture, I can't tell
sometimes though the thought of never having a child makes me sad
Posted by MidnightBlue on June 15, 2006, at 20:09:14
In reply to not wanting children...can anyone relate?, posted by saturn on June 15, 2006, at 17:20:57
How about adoption?
MidnightBlue
Posted by Kath on June 15, 2006, at 20:23:14
In reply to not wanting children...can anyone relate?, posted by saturn on June 15, 2006, at 17:20:57
Oh Yeah.
Confession time: well, er OK first..........
First of all, I love my children dearly & would NEVER wish them away.
OK Confession time: If I had it to do again I would not have had kids. I didn't give it much thought except that babies & little kids are cute & lovely etc. (blush at that - what a dumb reason to have a kid!!!!)
Anyway, one is 30 & very ill. One is 22, won't work, has a life revolving around drugs. I am plagued by worry about them.... I'm getting better at being ME & knowing that they're THEM & that their stuff, including their feelings are NOT MY stuff & I don't need to feel like I'd feel if I were in their situation.
BUT - it is a MAJOR stress for me. It is so awful seeing someone you love as much as a Mom loves a kid - seeing someone you love that much suffer. We never know what will happen to our kids. I may be awfully selfish, but I think I wouldn't have had kids.
Given that - I must reiterate that I love them to pieces....that's probably what makes it so hard.
Kath
Posted by Kath on June 15, 2006, at 20:24:34
In reply to Re:Unfortunately, posted by Phillipa on June 15, 2006, at 20:03:51
Makes me think of the movie The Mona Lisa Smile I think it was with Julia Roberts.
Kath
> I was only l8 when I got pregnant the first time. And my depression and snxiety weren't an issue. And that was the thing to do get pregnant. My whole graduating class was married and pregant in the first year out of school. Love Phillipa
Posted by zeugma on June 15, 2006, at 20:38:04
In reply to not wanting children...can anyone relate?, posted by saturn on June 15, 2006, at 17:20:57
reason B is the reason I have never considered having children.
reason A, for me: there are already too many children in the house (one, including myself).-z
Posted by saturn on June 15, 2006, at 21:12:37
In reply to Re: not wanting children...can anyone relate?, posted by MidnightBlue on June 15, 2006, at 20:09:14
> How about adoption?
I think it could be a great option, personally,
though I may just find contentment in being an uncle as my sister intends to have children.I also can't wait to get a place of my own so I can get some dogs. Defintely dogs if not kids ;
I'll probably have to find a wife online since most women want to have children. I'll just have to put that in my bio ;
Posted by Michael83 on June 15, 2006, at 21:39:44
In reply to not wanting children...can anyone relate?, posted by saturn on June 15, 2006, at 17:20:57
Most kids are nothing but a hassle. Sure it would be nice to have that ideal kid, but most kids aren't ideal and just trouble makers.
The risk just isn't worth the potential reward.
You could raise a kid hoping for a Harvard grad and end up getting a Dodge Neon (with the loud muffler) driving, Eminem listening, baggy jean wearing punk kid.
Posted by saturn on June 15, 2006, at 21:40:49
In reply to Re: not wanting children...can anyone relate? » saturn, posted by Kath on June 15, 2006, at 20:23:14
> BUT - it is a MAJOR stress for me. It is so awful seeing someone you love as much as a Mom loves a kid - seeing someone you love that much suffer.
I think I'd worry about them like crazy too and could definitely do without that stress.
- I must reiterate that I love them to piecesIt's clear that you do =)
Posted by sleepygirl on June 15, 2006, at 21:48:06
In reply to Re: not wanting children...can anyone relate?, posted by Michael83 on June 15, 2006, at 21:39:44
you paint an interesting picture I must say ;-)
anyone in particular?
Posted by Declan on June 16, 2006, at 0:52:36
In reply to not wanting children...can anyone relate?, posted by saturn on June 15, 2006, at 17:20:57
Of course I relate, Saturn. I have two children of my own. This life is so beautiful and so painful. Maybe it's different for others. Most of me has *always* felt that life is a bad mistake.
Declan
Posted by Declan on June 16, 2006, at 0:59:34
In reply to Re: not wanting children...can anyone relate?, posted by Michael83 on June 15, 2006, at 21:39:44
Gee Michael
All I want is a kid where we can talk to each other nicely. Havard graduate? (Nothing against it.)
What matters though? Can we live life well, can we be kind and good to each other? That's all, really.
Me and my expectations, personality, making a display....how tiring it all is.
Declan
Posted by greywolf on June 16, 2006, at 6:31:30
In reply to Re: not wanting children...can anyone relate?, posted by Michael83 on June 15, 2006, at 21:39:44
Sitting here watching my fourth child learn how to crawl (10 years after I thought I had finished with all this), I know I've been blessed.
Posted by Poet on June 16, 2006, at 9:56:33
In reply to not wanting children...can anyone relate?, posted by saturn on June 15, 2006, at 17:20:57
Hi Saturn,
I knew when I was a teenager I didn't want children. I used to jokingly say it was for zero population growth, but it's really because my own parents were such lousy ones that I doubted I would be any good at it, either.
My brother and sister are childless, also. In my brother's case that's a good thing. My sister kept waiting for the right guy to come along and well, it didn't happen.
I'm a great mother to my pets, so maybe I was wrong about being a lousy mother to humans, but I still don't regret not having any.
Poet
Posted by AuntieMel on June 16, 2006, at 10:07:13
In reply to Re: not wanting children...can anyone relate?, posted by Michael83 on June 15, 2006, at 21:39:44
My Toyota Tercel (with the stuffing coming out of the seat with the giant sub-woofer in the back) driving, Eminem listening,baggy jean wearing tongue pierced punk kid graduated college last year and is working on his masters.
He's now officially a rocket scientist.
Posted by wildcardII on June 16, 2006, at 14:45:19
In reply to not wanting children...can anyone relate?, posted by saturn on June 15, 2006, at 17:20:57
i never *planned* on any and can understand what you're saying but now that they are here, i couldn't imagine life w/o them...just NO MORE!! ;O) there is nothing wrong w/ how you feel...
Posted by Kath on June 16, 2006, at 15:35:33
In reply to Re: not wanting children...can anyone relate? » Michael83, posted by Declan on June 16, 2006, at 0:59:34
Hi Declan,
I have what you want. I have great relationships with my kids. During the mid-late teen years it wasn't like that. But we do love each other & act & speak like it, but I find it terribly hard & wrenching seeing their difficulties/poor decisions/addiction/ etc. I'm improving very recently, but it's almost more than I can bear sometimes.
Kath
> Gee Michael
> All I want is a kid where we can talk to each other nicely. Havard graduate? (Nothing against it.)
> What matters though? Can we live life well, can we be kind and good to each other? That's all, really.
> Me and my expectations, personality, making a display....how tiring it all is.
> Declan
Posted by Kath on June 16, 2006, at 15:37:19
In reply to Re: sometimes they change » Michael83, posted by AuntieMel on June 16, 2006, at 10:07:13
So much for generalizations! Lucky you.
:-)) Kath
> My Toyota Tercel (with the stuffing coming out of the seat with the giant sub-woofer in the back) driving, Eminem listening,baggy jean wearing tongue pierced punk kid graduated college last year and is working on his masters.
>
> He's now officially a rocket scientist.
Posted by Michael83 on June 16, 2006, at 15:54:21
In reply to Re: sometimes they change » Michael83, posted by AuntieMel on June 16, 2006, at 10:07:13
One example proves nothing for the majority, but consider yourself in the minority. You're lucky and should be proud, your case is not the case for most. But on the other hand, a college degree alone does not make a kid successful as a person. Maturity, virtue, civility, and intelligence (college does not equal intelligence) are all important factors.
But good for you though (I mean it).
Posted by Dinah on June 16, 2006, at 17:22:01
In reply to Re: sometimes they change » AuntieMel, posted by Michael83 on June 16, 2006, at 15:54:21
> Maturity, virtue, civility, and intelligence (college does not equal intelligence) are all important factors.
At age ten, my son has more of those than most adults, myself included. My only concern about having children is being a worthy mother to him.
He's a person I admire greatly. I'm very lucky to have him as a son.
Posted by AuntieMel on June 16, 2006, at 18:46:21
In reply to Re: sometimes they change » AuntieMel, posted by Michael83 on June 16, 2006, at 15:54:21
You are right - and it took him a few years to get it himself.
A few years and Uncle Sam.
Did I mention he's 30?
It seems that *everyone's* (ok, maybe not all, but I see it a lot) *everyone's* boy child flounders a while before finding themselves these days.
So many, many times did I see them get out of high school, maybe do a semester of college and then - well, it takes them a while.
How old is your's?
Posted by Michael83 on June 16, 2006, at 19:03:25
In reply to Re: sometimes they change » Michael83, posted by AuntieMel on June 16, 2006, at 18:46:21
>>>>It seems that *everyone's* (ok, maybe not all, but I see it a lot) *everyone's* boy child flounders a while before finding themselves these days.
I see it a lot too, which is why I would never have kids. 50/50 chance you'll have a boy and boys are nothing but little punks. Well I wasn't. ;) But most are. Most of my friends have always been female because of this. I can't stand to be around most males under the age of 30. They're just unbearable. Although I was fortunate to go to a school that had a high concentration of decent and intelligent kids, both male and female, but my school was not typical for the majority.
>>>>>>>>How old is your's?
I don't have kids and let's just say I'm young enough (early 20s) to feel odd being asked that question. :p
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