Posted by AMD on July 17, 2006, at 12:32:25
In the midst of a massive brain outage triggered no doubt by four weeks of weekend alcohol and cocaine bingeing made me realize: I've been dealing with this for three years.
Right now I can't think at all. I'm tired, scatter-brained, unable to read and write, or stay focused long enough to concentrate on a task. I'm making elementary mistakes with things I do daily, and I don't feel this lifting at all.
I binged Friday on alcohol -- self-medicating an already depressed mood -- and spent the weekend tired and miserable. M-i-s-e-r-a-b-l-e. And I don't see an end in sight. There's no day-to-day incremental improvement. I'm awaiting the five o'clock hour to run home and get under the covers.
Is this it? Am I effectively dead? Am I confusing brain damage with depression, and if not, will my cognition and mind recover?
I started Provigil a couple weeks ago, and I'm not sure whether it's helped or hurt. I took 400 m.g. Friday and began feeling manic. A bit more focused, but ill and manic. Is the Provigil simply making things worse? It's suppose to help with concentration, but in my case it gives me a racing mind, seems to hamper my memory, and by the end of the day I want to crash ... my energy is just sapped.
I am worrying this brain numbness will not go away, besides being all right a couple weeks ago. Did this night out last week bring me to a point of no return? Or will my mind recover in time? Why am I so tired?
Ugh -- feeling hopeless and sad, mentally blunted and tired. And my mind is racing horribly. I just want it to stop!