Posted by Dr. Bob on December 11, 2003, at 18:22:48
In reply to Re: Hi from Barbara, posted by BarbaraCat on December 11, 2003, at 14:09:25
> Hi All,
> A catchup of sorts. Still coasting here on the rim of chaos but getting used to it. Forget who said it, but it goes something like 'the wisdom of peace is simply learning to tolerate uncertainty' and ain't it the truth. If only we could be certain that another intense stress is really some kind of breakthrough or even a breakdown and not just the same old recycled shit in a new package. But we must trust that there will be an answer, right? Ah, grasshoppah, such wise words of calm and loving spirit. Now this is how I REALLY feel:
>
> With all the crummy suffering cropping up everywhere in my life, just learned 2 days ago that our beloved oldest (not that old, just 13) cat has chronic renal failure and it's just a matter of time. I don't know how long, of course, and it may be years, but it will mean giving him very frequent IV's and watching him slowly decline as his little kidneys inevitably fail. There has to be a point where a decision must be made to pull the plug, but oh, I'll miss my little fuzzy buddy. I was just thinking the other day as we were head butting and purring together 'this little guy loves and trusts me more than any being on this planet' and then the thought 'oh no, now I've done it. As soon as I let myself love too much or get too happy the fan turns on and the brown stuff flies'. So, yeah, I know that's what life is all about and 'tis better to have loved and lost and all that stinkin' pukey crap but I'm just tired of the pain. Physical, emotional. I'm sure I'm even bumming you all out but if you can't come here to kvetch then where the hell can you? But here's a little gem. We were at some friends (now ex-friends) the other night and I was into some major pain. It was to the day the one year anniversary of my Mom's death, I've been going through the flooding PTSD processing and although haven't gone into the disturbing details with anyone, I'm not at my best or perkiest these days. I made the sorry ass mistake of over-indulging (yes Katia, I've fallen a few times. Sometimes feeling awful is just too much and there's a little bottle of elixer guaranteed to help just around the corner. I KNOW you can relate!) and starting letting on how miserable I was feeling and talking about death and loss and STUFF YOU THINK YOU CAN TALK TO FRIENDS ABOUT, DAMMIT!! Long story short, I was accused of bringing evil, demonic, dark and negative energy into their house and had done so on many occasions in the past. Now, I can get as dark and despondent as the best of them and my mixed states depressions can be mighty scary, but sheesh, this was nothing! This was simple pain and needing compassion asking some deep questions, and yes, babbling on stupidly in my inebriated state, but hey, folks, this was plain mean and I don't get this life. You don't do this to someone who'se hurting and mourning. Yes, I believe they have issues with death and questions of afterlife and yada yada but I'm seriously questioning wanting to ever give my heart, trust, need to anything ever again.
>
> Are we learning anything here from all this pain? Are we wearning ourselves down cause we don't know how to stop immersing ourselves in the pain? I thought these were my friends and only now I learn they've got this Gandalf/Balrog fantasy complex and guess who got to be the Balrog. Oh, if only I knew how to do that little trick like combust into flames at that moment! Or snuck some split pea soup into my mouth and spewed it all over the room! Ah! Now THAT would have been worth it!
>
> I'll be OK, I am OK. I'm just really pissed that someone who is a very good person, that would be myself, who really wants more than anything to just do my best and get a tad bit of enjoyment and happiness on the way keeps getting kicked in the gut. So you can see why I'm not on here more. Maybe I should be so I don't dump all this on you at once. Maybe that's the whole problem. Maybe I should get out more so I don't get life dumped on me all at once every time I step out the door. So, that's me, how about you? Oh, I upped Lam to 200mg during this time, am tolerating the insane itchies, would rather swallow a bucket of tobacco chaw juice than an ounce of booze, am in therapy, and am about to call my pdoc to take away this dread but he can't of course. It's good practice to learn to tolerate the discomfort. Hah, my negative 'evil and demonic' mind sneers, 'preparing for what? The neurotoxic warfare about to arrive?' But that's horsecrap. All of us here at least know that's already happened. LovE, Barbara
poster:Dr. Bob
thread:288885
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20031208/msgs/288885.html