Posted by BarbaraCat on September 11, 2003, at 20:11:16
In reply to Re: ok so who is knowledgeable about meth?, posted by starlight on September 11, 2003, at 17:47:35
Hi Starlight! So good to hear from you again! I'll tell you this long and roundabout story in answer to your question because I think you'll understand the nature of the underlying forces involved. I've often wondered about how the meth tinkered with my wiring, cause I know it had to, but how is subject to so many variables. The playing field is very murky. My father was clearly and severely mentally ill with what I think was BP mixed states. Half of his large family had the same symptoms. His family life was violent and he continued the legacy. So I had a double whammy with both a genetic predisposition and an abusive home situation. I learned pretty early on about evil because my father would get absolutely possesed with a very dark energy that was not him. Sometimes he was great, but there was no way to know from day to day when we'd be in the Hell Worlds.
There's no way I could've escaped the mental and spiritual disorders I've experienced throughout my 52 years. It was destiny. I was drawn to meth because it made me feel so much better right away, a great antidepressant for an unhappy 18 year old that helped to get me reacquainted with feeling pretty good. I think it would have been enough after a short stint dallying with it, except for the people I eventually got involved with. I was drawn to it and to these people because who knows about other lifetimes and what went on and who we knew and what we did in them, but meth was the perfect drug to get to know this strange dark energy better, the one that's probably been following me around for a long, long time.
Some of the folks I got involved with were into some very strange things, I found out about only afterwards. Even though I was a very rebellious recovering Catholic, I couldn't let myself follow the weird pseudo-Satanism these folks were into. There is a seductiveness in that path and meth is the perfect drug to attract people who like that sort of thing. They had no idea what they were messing with. It rips holes in the aura and lets dark energies in that no can can convince me are pure delusion. It seeps in and once those little psychic clingons take notice, it's hard to shake them off. Perhaps this fantastical take on it has much to do with my Catholic influence of demons and such, but it doesn't matter what you believe - malevolent energy is a fact, and it shaped the quality of my mental disorders.
Some of my psychoses during the worst of my depressions/mixed states were so infused with horror and terror and the presence of pure evil that I know there is much in my life/spirit/soul that has chosen this path in order to bust through it for good. Mainly, I've learned though long and dedicated work in following the Light that I am quite strong and that there are blessed forces guiding us. I guess I had to go through the dark to get to the Light (and I'm still slowly crawling towards it). The meth use was part and parcel of the energy I was dealing with on many levels. It's said that we choose our lives. Well, I chose a lu-lu. I still deal with it, but I'm no longer running from it and don't need to know what or who it is. I have then and since looked it in the face in it's many guises and can stand my ground. That's a pretty powerful thing to know about oneself.
On a neural level, I don't know. I prefer to think that our receptors heal, our neurons do regenerate themselves, and so I don't think that I permanently damaged anything. It's more like wearing grooves in neural pathways that KNOW how to recognize terror and darkness, know very well about the qualities of fear. My dx is BP-1 but a few of my therpists have narrowed it down to PTSD. Chicken or the egg, nature or nuture. I'm just glad that I've learned my lesson and don't need anymore of that weird dark shit in my life, uh-uh.
I really can't say one way or the other if meth helped or hurt. It was a crash course in something I think I was destined to play out sooner or later and I'm glad it was sooner. Now I'm trying to get those neural pathways to learn about the nice fuzzy warm and safe stuff (hard in the current world situation, but hey, that's life). Our 9 furry felines are contributing wonderfully in this therapy. BCat
> I had no idea, and am so glad that you were able to be released or to release yourself from Meth.
>
> What was the impact on your mental health once you got back on your feet?
>
> I saw my Pdoc today and have been feeling sooo awesome lately so - guess what? Of course he wants to up my dose of lamictal, which (of course again) I'm opposed to. Why would I want to change when I'm feeling good? But I do finally acknowledge that I can fully see the mood swings in action, so no more denial....
> starlight!
poster:BarbaraCat
thread:257077
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20030903/msgs/259202.html