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Well..back after I Lost Dad too (Trigger Warning)

Posted by JayOriginal2nd on January 22, 2015, at 21:03:38

After a year and a half or so when I lost my Mom, I lost Dad a few months ago .My life fell to crap. A doctor put me on lithium one week before my Dad's funeral. I got hired in a 'dream job', and screwed that so bad by feeling scared to leave the house, or go anywhere except my bed. Honestly I was like a major junkie.....could barely take care of myself. I was having constant SI's. When I was at work...I would sit there in a daze..unable to do my job. (Working with kids with autism) So just after a few months, they fired me (probation period). I did feel a bit of relief being able to go home to bed and sleep. So, doc d\c lithium, upped my benzo dose, and most amazingly, put me on a high dose of Lyrica (300 x3 daily. After the first few days on it, I actually felt myself able to relax a bit, clean up, and not be so damned worried. It has been over a week now, and I feel 'fine', not 'high' or anything. I now go out...grocery shop (for me and my sweet little dog). I didn't think I'd make it..before Lyrica I was always cold and frozen, even with the heat cranked right up. It was terrifying. My body was in high gear, and I was actually freezing calories off my body from shivering so much...and I barely moved a leg.

I am the executor, and I have left so much undone and behind. See, I was deeply close with my parents all my life. We supported each other, and had amazing philosophical talks underneath the stars, and had so much to laugh and enjoy. Everything was done out of love. But, that is not the way this stupid, f**ked up world operates. And so I cry for so much of the beauty that is gone. "Silence all the songbirds, stilled by the killing frost. Forests turned to ashes, everything is lost.." There is never love without pain...so damned true. Please, no more tears tonight.

~Jay


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