Posted by alexandra_k on June 6, 2014, at 1:57:03
In reply to Re: passing..., posted by alexandra_k on June 4, 2014, at 23:41:58
actually... it didn't say that. it said the *possibility* to work from home. it also said between 15 and 40 hours per week... and that... it needed to be finished up by december... and took a stab at how many hours (because there will be a fixed budget of how much they have to spend on it).
so...
bigger f*ck*ng deal than i'd realized...
i... i'm going through an 'i hate myself' buzz... which i don't get very often anymore. my crush... it was actually for one of the chem lecturers. which is so... f*ck*ng typical... on my part. and is probably some sort of... confusion i have for love of learning and people actually giving a damn about what they are teaching and their getting excited about what they are teaching and my... loving that. and finding that in them... to be wonderful. anyway... clearly nothing at all would happen until the course is well and truly over. finalized grades and all... even though teaching slaves do most of that... and, really, there isn't any kind of problem with anything like that at all... except obviously he'd turn out to be married or gay or both or whatever... just that f*ck*ng happy to not have to deal with me anymore ahahahahaha.
only not such an ahahahahahaha. nothing sucks apparently... but pressure can turn people into jerks. and it turned me into a big f*ck*ng jerk. so... uh... push him away... for sure. yeah. i didn't mean to... or maybe part of me did. stabotage. accidental like. labs became... excruciating. i realized last time (for the very first time) the anteroom chamber... it's all over once i've stepped in there, really. over the course of the semster... bad turned worse... compounded... the lab situation has gotten all magnified up into a huge f*ck*ng unmanageable snowball of horrid...
horrid...
this job thing... which i probably won't get... could be a way back. in the sense that... if i do it... and i produce. appropriately. if i do something (in that limited timeframe with a clear deadline, with a clear project, with someone telling me what to do and my knowing already clear what the project is that i'm working on) then... something good may come (no WILL come) my way again. even if it is... phd. again. all over, i mean. i quit smoking... and i'm... capable of working. producing. playing ball as best i can on the whole social thing that i don't quite get... happy to follow direction / instruction - focus on these theorists over here... this recent work they've been up to here... i'm instructable. oh yes.
it's medical, too. they want... philospohy theory.... applications... for the health system. for making the health system better. philoosphy of science... it's... what i wanted. yeah. you don't hvae to go to medical school people kept saying. you don't have to. why do you want to? why you wanna do a stupid thing lik ethat for?
uh... hum... hrm... hrm... hrm...
i do believe. chemistry has spoken. not for you. me. and there it is.
it... it isn't good for me to get too attached to people, i think. but... i also think that i do need some kind of attachment... been thinking about that stuff i posted a link to a while back... gould... he was saying you have to do it for you because if you do it for the fame you then realize you are famous and you'd stop. but... that was weird... i thought. i thought... you do it for others because you want... them to be proud of you. for them to... delight in you. to find joy in what you did. that's why. and that's... not the kind of thing that you get and then you're good. that's... that's the working to the deadline then meeting it and then two days later refocusing on the next one... that's good for a lifetime... the attachment.. to drive it. and why i stopped producing... was... hopelessness. i honestly didn't know what to do... i honestly couldn't see any way of producing anything that my supervisor would think was halfway decent. even a not bad. nothing... i didn't see... and of course the answer was for me to get interested in his stuff first... but i'm an idiot...
anyway.. whatever... chemistry was all over really when we got that chick... and i couldn't follow what she was saying... and then she wouldn't give her powerpoints and her answers were full of typos and i just... felt... dead. dead inside. mostly. she'd light up when she saw someone following along anticipating... but that hardly happened because she didn't give her powerpoints so people could prepare so people could follow.. so... dead dead dead inside... and i'd look at the piles of work i needed to do and i'd just curl up and die a little inside. and...
and...
i never chose philospohy. not really. philospohy chose me. and maybe... that's just the way taht is. and philospohy has problems of course (significant ones) but i'm remembering what i've read about science's problems, too. about how undergrad... rewards social gregariousness and then grad school... turns out to be a lot different to what people thought it was going to be. those who would thrive in grad school... are cast aside as undergrads. passed over. you get people... newton and whoever... people doing crap at school. dropping out of uni, even. doing experiments at home. by themselves, one can only suppose. in the peace and f*ck*ng quiet.
but then... wittgenstein... hated academia... academic philosphy. some of that from my supervisor, even. with not being given a job because of university institutional crap... rather than individual productivity...
batteries. f*ck. how cool are they? work... flow of electrons. damn. that seems... very important. somehow. electric eels... wow... uh... how come we don't breed tanks of them and hook them up all matrix style?????
anyway... think of him, i will... while i learn q and k and try not to find too many typos in the world... it does help to think of the equation as a decimal rather than a partition... sense of why q or k is a number... and bigger or smaller depending on whether the numberator or denominator is bigger... a bigger or smaller number... decimal number... non-obviously so becuase of scientific notation... still recovering from lab... which turns me into a snappy judgemental bitch. you can have this back now thanks. i don't like the noise it makes. radiohead? or a poem an old friend wrote. the line haunts me always. people... feel that way about me? have to. i... i fall apart when people get too close. even if it is just in my mind. i... i can't do it. actually.. i.. can't. i'm broken like that somehow. i might think i want to sometimes... but i can't. and there it is. it is the searching... reaching... yearning... channel that. that's me. that's life. can be quite a good one. nice. pleasant. pretty suburbs on eithe rside... want to know something that's a secret? when you walk along them know what you DON"T hear... that makes them wonderful magical places where you can think and create and play????? you don't hear people coo and whistle and stomp. people swear. angry voices. you don't hear that. bliss... for me. i... hate that people have so much they can spend a small fortune on handmade this and that... but... it is pretty stuff. peaceful. crafted by happy people with care. what's the alternative? mass produced sh*t that everyone feels bad about?
?
?
:-(
:)
i'm cnfused.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1058481
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20140502/msgs/1066483.html