Posted by alexandra_k on May 2, 2014, at 19:36:07
In reply to Re: going ahead, posted by baseball55 on May 1, 2014, at 20:12:40
> Alex. You seem so much more level-headed and full of hope and positive energy in the last few months. I guess moving and starting this new course of study has really worked for you. I don't hear all the anger and frustration that you used to have when you were living in that other place.
Thanks. I guess... That really is true for the most part. I do have brief periods of angst... But I guess they really are just brief periods. Worst case I sort of rage for a couple of days... But it sort of blows over. I am a lot happier, yes. I think... About the happiest I've ever been, actually, which really is saying a lot.
But I still worry about me, sometimes. Worry about this... Frustration tolerance. My frustration tolerance is awful low. I think that gets to be the case when I don't spend much time around people. When I spend more time around them I start to see all the things they put up with in me and it makes me feel much more tolerant of them... Humble... I feel ashamed that I disconnect with that... Way of being / interacting with the world, sometimes. But I do often disconnect with it.
I have been reading more stuff about Autistic Spectrum... There really is a range. Cambridge University (for example) has some really wonderful student resource stuff... A beautiful blend of first and third person... Consumer and provider... Disability and ability and difference...
I worry that I'm... Being coaxed into a stereotype way of being. That this happens to me... Has happened... Borderline... Dissociative Identity... Autistic Spectrum is what is fashionable now so Autistic Spectrum presentation it will be... But it really makes a lot of sense of a lot... But then... So did they... At the time... I'm not entirely sure what to say... I do feel... Authentic. But I do think the categorisation (and self identification) has... Altered me.
I seem to get... Garbled... Uh... That low frustration tolerance thing... Ranty... Somewhat... Excited and a bit incoherant... When I feel overwhelmed. Having a bit of an issue at the moment about this lack of access to powerpoint notes prior to class thing... I've just properly realised that other students have raised this and it has gone through via class representatives... But lecturers are saying 'no - and there is no university policy (aside from disability) to make me'. But some students are getting them early because they are claiming disability. So it isn't like it is any extra work for them to make them available for ALL students. So... Uh... What's the freaking problem? I've only heard weak excuses that don't stand up to the lightest of scrutiny... I simply don't understand...
Anyway... In finding out how to proceed (since I've realised the 'we'll try' is a weak way of blowing me off most probably)... People are saying there are layers of bureaucracy... And good luck with that... Like... They have empathy... But nothing much can be done... And I guess I realise that most students are afraid of their lecturers and don't want to be distinguished as a Pain in the *ss. And most students will back off (take it personally) when the lecturers say they must be stupid or disabled to need the lecture notes in advance... And that most good students are too busy struggling with inefficiently presented material to be able to spend much time fighting with belligerent lecturers to get them to present their information more efficiently...
Anyway... I wrote to the head of schools... A couple of them... About how there needs to be a policy to make them if they can't be appropriately accommodating to students trying to learn by doing the pre-reading that most other universities instruct their students to do... I suspect that really the case is... That lecturers have disengaged from their teaching in the face of open entry and the expectation that merely turning up should get them a degree.
Where do the smart kids go? Overseas... Sigh...
I remember why I quit science at High School... My science teachers really weren't the most intelligent... I remember being fascinated with why I (and some people but not close to half) didn't have hair on the end joint of their finger close to their thumb... There wasn't any show of... Interest in showing me how to find information in the library... Or via any other source... Even in 'maths science extension'... Where somehow or other people let me spend most of the year trying to build a physical model of the impossible triangle (which even I knew was pointless). Sigh.
I can do the equations. Powerpoints and textbook and... There we go. Lectures are a boring waste of time without prereading. Incomprehensible. Pointless. Boring. Waste of time. I'm so f*ck*ng mad.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1064649
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20140502/msgs/1065126.html