Posted by alexandra_k on January 6, 2014, at 23:35:18
In reply to Re: oh my » alexandra_k, posted by SLS on January 6, 2014, at 0:25:12
well today we did physics in the morning... a bunch of equations where he uses a different notation from the text book... and where (even though i try and be careful) i can't really decipher my own handwriting...
then i spent some time trying to get lecture notes printed off... just generally... overwhelmed.
went to the math help people and the guy was quite good. he was the stats guy but i was just asking how to read order of magnitude stuff. 10 to the nth power or whatever. how you tell when that is what the expression is saying or whether the expression is saying for you to times the number by itself. i... i really do lack the basic math skills...
then two hours of math, again. linear functions. polynomial functions. i was right to see that last time was an overview... but more detail was just a bunch of substitutions and rearrangements and... heaps of prior knowledge that i don't have, basically. it is just... those 'simple' proofs (that i can't do) with a bunch of extra machinery (well, eventually).
i feel...
i've been feeling a little wired. since i quit smoking, actually. i worry sometimes that it might be Maher's 'feeling of significance' indicating something along the lines of a psychotic break. i feel... quite often that people know stuff that they couldn't (e.g., stuff that i didn't say that they could overhear - unless people are talking about me constantly via walkie talkie to each other or something...) lots of... well... things just really seem connected in ways they can't possibly be. i'm... just not that important.
the feeling scares me a little. sometimes i guess it does have a tinge of grandiosity... sometimes a tinge of paranoia... i just need to remember that people are genuinely intentioned and kind and mean well. that when they aren't -- that is coming from their own insecurities. that sometimes people... test. or express their insecurities. but that they are really looking for a way to reframe because they can't quite see... or that sometimes they are... disturbing me... or something... that it can help me learn / see things differently... even though it is scary for me sometimes and sort of hurts a bit. need to remember people are well intentioned and kind, really, and i say or do things a bit off the cuff sometimes and, well, i could see how they could just as readily interpret that as me poking fun or being a bit mean to them, when i really don't intend it like that.
i see a bunch of people working really hard. and... who do i think i am that i can come in and do work that... well, i've realised... it is really hard to get to study in engineering or bio-med or whatever... there are people working genuinely very hard to bring up their gpa... and / or to do pre-reqs... and they try and limit people to doing only 1 or 2 'difficult' papers at a time and... well... it is very different from how things were for my philosophy / psychology degree. i have the people competing for a place in clinical psychology thing to hang this off... but this is different...
i'm not entirely sure why they let me in to biomed... but i am grateful that they gave me the opportunity to learn...
i will stick with physics because it is less than a semester's worth of class. math... i need to start that right from the very beginning (the earliest foundations level paper they have).
today was... cool. it was cool to watch him do his thing and see the smart (and well prepared) ones in the class following along and anticipating and... having fun. yeah. that's how class is supposed to be... if you put in the work. i don't want to just scrape through, i want it to be like that. a lot of people walked out. i knew before half time i was going to drop but... went back to the second half... just to be sure. i'm sure now. there is no way.
i'll have to have a think about bio-med... all this is... just for physics. i mean... i want to learn to love numbers... i feel like i'm... blind or something and would like to be able to see them... basic numeracy... but then all this was supposed to be for med... and i need to not get distracted by things... prioritise... one can't be good at everything there aren't enough hours in the day...
switching to a health science degree would be an alternative pathway to med. it would eliminate the physics requirement... but it would leave me with chemistry, still, and i don't think i'm prepared for that.
more than that... the mind games of the first years. because they are new and insecure (mostly). i... need to have enough confidence in my own ability... and i need good friends. and the only way you get good friends (who are capable and who will help you through) is by bring able to bring something to the party yourself. now in math... i'm not able to bring anything to the table. so...
persist with physics... and try and learn the simple math as best i can... fast addition... multiplication tables... etc. orders of magnitude... stuffs...
______
there was an accident outside my window last night. i had... the perfect view of it which was... weird. this almighty smacking sound. horn. a guy talking loudly... talking to a passanger or something... sounded like hanging in there... that desperate pleading reassuring kind of sound... eerie... ambulance... two fire trucks... horn still going... police cars... undercover police cars... there were a bunch of people outside and i was just sitting in my room... hoping... that the person was going to be okay.. feeling.. panicked to start. realised... i didn't know what to do. i wouldn't know what to do in that sort of a situation. could i really come to the party in that sort of a situation?
i haven't heard... i hope the person was okay. the ambulance didn't speed off... which worried me. i don't know what that means.
only one hour of new content tomorrow... then hopefully this weekend i can get properly caught up.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1057831
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20140102/msgs/1058015.html