Posted by hiddenhurt on January 30, 2013, at 14:22:20
If this is still a place where I can share a poem, here it is, written today, now that I am well, and looking back at my old writing posted here when I was ill.
BEFORE I WAS A HUMAN
Before I was a human,
I was laid out,
Just the ingredients of a man,
On a bed
In a hospital room
Of the sort
Which families cannot visit,
And patients cannot leave
Exactly.That was one of my last memories
Laying there, eager to lay there,
Happy to lay there
Even forever,
Trapped, as I later learned,
In an error of logic
From which I couldnt free myself.
That was one of my last memories,
That,
And the trays of food delivered on head-high carts
And the woman who had ECT and then
Walked past me not knowing
Me anymore,
And I was scared of it,
But just a little,
For I was no longer me.And to recover myself
I became like that woman.And then I am told I walked past those I knew
Without knowing them
And I am told I came home
And went straight to bed
Without speaking.
I became sick in a new way
For a while
Before I regained a month of health
Before returning again to the old
Way.And today I am well after all
Going on 30 months,
And today, this very day, I came across my old words
My old thoughts and poems, and I thought
Is this a crime scene Ive returned to?
Am I guilty or have I been acquitted?
Who did I hurt and how
In those days?
And who knew what?
Those words and thoughts were mine.
Are they wrong and evil?
Am I right to have said them?
Am I right to leave them behind?
Am I right to sail away now
Now that I have a sure ship
Knowing
That I am leaving
That old wreck behind?
Or is there something Ive forgotten
Down below?
Is there something of value,
Or evidence of a wrong
Which can still be righted
Down below?
I am both afraid and drawn to it.
Should I go
Back to the wreck
I spent three years trapped inside of
Now that I am at last
Well?Am I free to be free?
So happy am I now
To be really healthy for once.But also so grim am I who sailed and sank,
And dragged others under too,
And rose again, and yet
Have found nothing Ive gained of value
To offer
For all that.
poster:hiddenhurt
thread:1036878
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20130101/msgs/1036878.html