Posted by Enigma on November 1, 2010, at 21:27:08
In reply to Re: Bad news about the DBS study I was enrolled in... » Enigma, posted by Deneb on November 1, 2010, at 19:24:53
> Wow, you've really been put through the wringer with this! I'm sorry things are so hard for you. If you had cancer or something you could probably hold a huge fund raising thing to raise up enough money for the treatment. It's too bad people don't do the same for depression.
Thanks for the kind words. Yeah. This has been a HUGE set back. I was looking at this as a possible life-saver for me, literally. More as a way of being "there" for my kids. Now, all I see is a gravestone.
With the depression, and lack of a loved one, and money of course, I just can't see how I could push myself back and forth to all the flights, trips, tests, MRI's, exams, labs, whatever.. then 6 months all alone, watching other patients with their loved ones with them.. that would kill me. Being alone has always been hard for me, ever since I was a little kids. Having abusive/neglectful parents always made me see the companionship of others. It's just something I need, which I've lost over the past couple years, which had made my depression spiral out of control. Putting myself INTO that position intentionally would be the last thing I would need.
It's like going to bar alone (I'm 41, and attractive, and even in good shape) and I STILL feel like the worlds biggest loser when I walk in there by myself. (actually, it's how I'm treated by everyone, any bar, doesn't matter, it's unbelievable how people treat you when you're alone). At least in Southern NH. People here SUCK. Maybe it's just the area I live in, but you add one friend, and you're automatically a human being, suddenly talking to attractive women, 10 years younger than you. People REALLY SUCK, so bad, I had to say it twice. How did I change exactly, by adding that one person. I didn't. Not one bit. I'm the SAME EXACT PERSON. It's everyone's stereotype of a person alone at a bar, not me, that's the problem. I wish I was a movie star and walked in there alone, and people flocked over to me, or better yet, BECAME a movie star, and people flocked over, then I'd announce to everyone, Hey, remember me? They guy you didn't know a year ago and ignored, mistreated, said those horrible things to? Well F. OFF!!. Then just walk out. That would be fun.
poster:Enigma
thread:967959
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20101029/msgs/967991.html