Posted by alexandra_k on September 27, 2010, at 6:09:30
I'm kinda mad with myself. Things started out really well with quitting smoking and going to the gym regularly and eating well. I was really happy with how I was feeling what I could do and how my body was starting to look. Going to the gym is fine (I really love it). Smoking and eating are much harder, though.
Been quitting on and off for the past year. First attempt lasted three months. Then I've had a couple of others lasting around one month. I think I've been quit about half of the last year? Maybe a bit less? I'm not entirely sure. Each time I quit I get really sick and need anti-biotics to help clear things up. Smoking again... That to look forward to...
Eating is a combination of finances and habit. Developed a habit of binging on junk when I was a teenager. Then pretty much adopted the 'all treat' diet. Still figuring out cheap things that are nutritious that I can bear the taste of. Went shopping the other day, though, so all set for the next week or so. Summer coming up this part of the world... Will be really happy if I can get that back on track and start feeling and looking better.
Didn't get into medical school. Think they were looking for practitioners more than researchers. That is what I tell myself anyway since they said my interview went 'really well' and I have no reason to doubt them. Guess most people interviewed gave a good one so they needed to revert to other criteria. My grades are good... So I guess my lack of volunteer work / experience in health field and maybe my academic stuff just turned them off. Whatever.
Need to study for the GAMSAT (first year university chemistry, physics, biology) and apply to Australia. There are some scholarships... But if I don't get a scholarship funded place I don't think I can do it. Perfect GPA given their system for grade conversion (freaky that) so comes down to my GAMSAT score. Fingers crossed for a scholarship to make things feasible...
I think... I want to get into sports medicine. I really love training and learning about things to make that go better. I'd apply for physio, too, only no scholarships for that (I don't think). Otherwise... Maybe I'll do some course and become a personal trainer or something. I dunno. I suppose I only enjoy the gym because the people I work out with are highly motivated and it isn't something I have to do. Probably wouldn't enjoy it so much if it was work. And if I had to try and motivate people who didn't have some kind of inner spark. And everyone wants to work with athletes and unless you have a history of athletic success yourself no reason to credit you... I dunno.
Been depressed for the last year, I think. Since my Dad died. Was my birthday the other day (thanks Damos if you are reading). Managed to get through most of the day without even knowing. Bingo. Been trying that one for years. 32. Had to do the math a couple times lol. Thought I was 33 there for a while.
Been bailing on work... Need to get a job (scholarship run out). Need to finish my thesis (lots of work to do there probably 6 months full time at least and probably more like 9). Need to do some RA work that I've been putting off. Need to do some grading. Need to sort out rolls for another class. Need to... Need to... Need to... I just want to train. Hating my life at the moment. Hating the people I work with (which really is so unfair because they are nice really). Not quite sure what is wrong with me.
I dunno. Just whinging I guess.
I feel sad. I can't bear to check my email and find out about a whole bunch of other 'need to' things. I'm getting grey in my hair. Keep pulling them out but they are coming faster. I'm feeling old... Need to quit the smoking. Still like the guy at the gym. Pretty sure he is out of my league. He flirts with me... But pretty sure that is all it is. Innocent from his perspective. Feel frustrated with him for doing that a lot. But we just seem to fit. Hard to explain. Probably all in my head. Right now really feeling that he is out of my league. Just cause I'm feeling old and fat, I guess. I don't suppose it is about him so much as it is about me and how I'm feeling about myself... Feeling old and fat and hacking with horrible smokers lungs. Giving up smoking when this pack runs out... Back into cardio... Back into sleeping whenever I'm not training... That... Seems to be the only thing that makes me happy now. And only sustainable... If I keep away from all the friends I know.
Stabotage?
Perhaps...
poster:alexandra_k
thread:963943
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20100907/msgs/963943.html