Posted by Maxime on August 29, 2010, at 18:00:09 [reposted on August 30, 2010, at 0:41:24 | original URL]
In reply to Re: Suicide Note ... would you leave one? » Maxime, posted by simcha on August 29, 2010, at 17:14:09
Thank you for your kind post. It made me cry. I think I did start the thread for a reason. I am just not sure of the reason.
I know this will sound stupid, but the Crisis Centre only does home visit from M-F (as if you can only have a crisis during the week). I can call them 24/7 but they do not do intake on Saturday and Sunday. So I wait. I wait for someone to save me because I am not sure if I can save myself at this point. I know I can make it to tomorrow though.
It's really weird. I always have two sets of parallel thoughts. The one that wants to feel normal and the suicidal one. I don't know how to reconcile the two. For instance, despite being very suicidal, I want to see the Emmy's tonight. WTF? So when I see my pdoc tomorrow I will probably tell him that I wanted to kill myself last night, but I wanted to see the Emmy Awards. Is that even rational? Not wanting to exist, but not wanting to miss the Emmy Awards. My brain is really messed up.I wish it would shut up because I have a constant dialogue going inside it that I just want to go AWAY. Sometimes I go into bed and put my pillow over my head in hopes that the dialogue will shut up ... but it doesn't. Even when I am having a good time the dialogue continues. I.do.not.understand.this. I am truly a freak of nature.
Bipolar type 2, ED-NOS, self-hatred to the max
Depression is not a sign of weakness, it is just a sign that we have been strong for too long.
poster:Maxime
thread:960594
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20100806/msgs/960598.html