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Re: got my x-rays

Posted by alexandra_k on June 14, 2009, at 1:14:43

In reply to Re: got my x-rays » alexandra_k, posted by Phillipa on June 14, 2009, at 0:03:44

'cause doing philosophy was a curious thing. guess they had images of me sitting in cafe's wearing berets and black trench coats talking about satre and camus and how life is like an egg and generally embodying whatever kind of angst was popular back whenever / was popular with philosophy students now. la belle indifferent. or whatever. think that term occurs more than once in my file. along with such things as 'manicured fingernails' which is clearly false since i've bitten them to the quick since forever. smug / curious questions where the answer was already assumed 'and does it help?'

they didn't know i was the top in my class with a genuine shot at getting a fully funded place at one of the best institutions in the world. they didn't know. they didn't care. why should they? there are resource limitations on health and as for inpatient services apparently i 'didn't belong there'. what does it take to belong? the absence of interest in philosophy, i suppose. perhaps a more obvious state of poverty. florid delusions at times so that couldn't have been it. i don't know. i don't know what they wanted from me.

i remember having a weird dream on some kind of benzo once. they told me (in the dream) that i had schizophrenia. all of a sudden everyones attitude towards me (in the hospital) changed. now i was 'supposed' to be there. now the nurses and doctors were empathetic. now they had hope that they could help me. that i could genuinely get better. now i was welcome to stay for as long as i needed and now they were motivated to try. crazy f*ck*d up dream i know. but i woke up with warm fuzzies. whatever was wrong with me wasn't a legitimate acceptable way of being wrong. i... didn't understand. i still don't.

 

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