Posted by HyperFocus on March 5, 2009, at 23:04:37
I'm writing this as part of a project to better express my feelings instead of bottling them up. It's very painful to go back to these things consciously but I know for a fact that I constantly replay these things subconsciously.
Social anxiety makes the least things almost overwhelmingly terrifying, and the exceptional things impossible. Just walking through campus is an ordeal. One night I volunteered to be a supervisor at a computer lab for a few hours when the other supervisor didn't show up. This was late at night around 12. In comes this guy who looked like he was high on weed or something. He drops a mostly empty pop bottle on my desk even though there's a strict rule about not eating in the labs. After a few minutes when I see he isn't going to throw the bottle away I grab it and throw it away.
Next thing I know this f*ck*r punches / shoves me in the chest and starts this ridiculous rant about tossing the *ssh*l*'s drink. I was too stunned to do anything - it seemed incredible that someone would act like that over an empty drink bottle. I was so angry / emotional I was shaking furiously. The guys notices it and taunts me about it. Nevertheless I did not strike him back. It wasn't in my conscious thoughts at the time but the family member I am closest to has always pleaded with me not to get into fights - it's as if she has some premonition or something. But it was just fear that made me unable to strike back - as I said just talking to people can make me shake uncontrollably.
I am ashamed and humiliated that I did not fight back and defend myself. It just brought back too many bad memories of being bullied in school. Shame is a central aspect of my pathology. I'm gonna make a bigger post on shame soon.
Well that's it. I am feeling beter now, So thanks for listening.
poster:HyperFocus
thread:884002
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20090226/msgs/884002.html