Posted by Racer on February 10, 2008, at 16:22:40
In reply to Thinking of killing self or running away, posted by Deneb on February 5, 2008, at 14:17:20
> I can't handle life. My family is ashamed of me. My sister puts me down, says I'm lazy.
Um, it may be that I'm just nuts, but it doesn't sound to me as though you "can't handle life" -- it sounds as though you have trouble handling your family! I saw a comedian once who said something kinda profound -- "The reason your parents are so good at pushing all your buttons is that they INSTALLED them!" Families have a way of triggering all sorts of things that the rest of the world can't reach. Finding a way to deal with that is arguably the essence of growing up.
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> My sister says I'm the laziest person she's ever known.Bring her out here and introduce her to me. I have a hard enough time recognizing that "depression" is not a way to excuse laziness -- I'm sure she will recognize that it's just my bad character, rather than a psychiatric disorder. And then, when she says you're the laziest person she's ever known, you can say, "Ah, but what about Racer?"
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> I don't want to try anymore. It's too hard. Everyone is ashamed of me. Life is too hard.Define "Everyone." That sounds a great deal like black and white thinking to me, kiddo -- reminds me of the first lines of "Pride and Prejudice."
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> I think I want to kill myself or run away. I don't want to live at home anymore. My sister puts me down. She says I'm stupid and the A I got last semester isn't worth crap because I had two tutors and I've attempted that class several times.OK, them's fighting words where I come from. Deneb, I'm writing this because I feel so angry when I read that -- not particularly on your account, but just because this is a major trigger point for me.
Working with a tutor is a SIGN OF INTELLIGENCE, it's a SIGN of being a SUCCESSFUL student -- it's a sign that someone is working effectively to do well in a class. When I hear someone say that the resulting grade is somehow not genuine, I see red -- that just strikes me as mean-spirited in the extreme, as well as ignorant, and many other things I won't write here. In fact, I believe that you would be doing much better in this class if you had signed up for tutoring again.
In fact, Deneb, the perspective from where I sit shows your sister in an unflattering light. It sounds to me as though she is sabotaging you, and setting you up for failure. I wonder if that's a pattern in your life, having your sister ridicule you and put up obstacles so that she can continue to insult you? If so, I'm profoundly sorry that it's happened to you, and I'm angry with that behavior on her part.
I've worked hard the past couple of years to learn to define and defend my boundaries, and it's hardest of all with my family. A big part of the problem is that families develop dynamics which take on a life of their own, and having those patterns of behavior change can be frightening for all concerned. When my behavior changes, when I manage to defend my boundaries successfully, members of my family often push back until they find a crack in my defenses. It's painful for me, and it leads to a lot of those therapy sessions when I cry and ask what the point is.
The point is that it gets easier over time, with practice.
I'll tell you my interpretation of what I've been told: There's a sort of dance that we learn as we grow up, that the whole family participates in. We all know our steps in this dance. You can't change anyone else, in action, belief, or behavior patterns; you can only change yourself, which you've worked hard on. When you change your own steps in the dance, others don't get the reactions they've come to rely on, they try to find their familiar partner in the dance, but you're not where they expect to find you, and that's frightening for them, sets them off balance, forces them to learn a new set of steps themselves.
It sounds as though your sister is trying to herd you back into the familiar patterns of a dance you've worked hard to get out of. It sounds as though she's trying to maintain her own steps, rather than adapt and change to partner you in a healthier dance.
It's hard, Deneb, and it hurts, and in a better world we would none of us have to deal with it. In this best of all possible worlds, this is what we have. It doesn't mean we can't strive to become healthier, to learn to protect ourselves from the unkindness of others.
My final thought for you: have you ever considered why it is that the people who are supposed to love us the most can be the least supportive and most unkind to us?
poster:Racer
thread:810865
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20080130/msgs/811883.html