Posted by capricious on December 20, 2007, at 1:34:26
In reply to Re: Climbing the walls!!, posted by EscherDementian on February 12, 2004, at 7:37:32
hello love, i am interested in the dynamic of this series of messages and have a lot of thoughts.
one thing i think is right in the responses: yes, you are probably not getting jealousy or anger merely from your looks, but from your overall imago in other words your style, your personality, what role you appear to play. i'm not saying there's something wrong with what you're doing, i'm saying ppl perceive there is something wrong -- . at one point i remember you said: "its their problem." you are right that it is their problem, but unfortunately, it is also yours! because you have to go to work every day. if there is something you can alter in your image or personality that will make going to work easier, you might want to consider it. you will also be more aware of the image or role you are projecting to people -- and that is a major part of your communication in the world.
so i come to this because i am interested in the same thing as you - how to deal with women who are jealous. myself, i am tall blonde and thin and pretty. because i had a pretty rough time growing up, moving often with difficult home life, i became extremely socially awkward, shy, depressed. and yes, i had ppl believe that i was aloof. i have many close women friends, i like to go out and party, and i have become less shy, quite happy, and not as awkward, but i still have difficulties with certain women.
i can relate to thinking that one group of women are particularly harsh. in my case, for whatever reason, i find that i make friendships especially easily with black women. on the other hand, small dark haired women with glasses - i know this sounds crazy - tend to really dislike me and i have to work very hard to get past that. which i do work hard, and sometimes i succeed and sometimes fail. i wonder WHY this is, it is very hard to know. however, i suspect it has to do with the general cultural imaginary which typifies us not merely with beauty but with roles. so that for example, there are millions of movies about spoiled blond girls that get guys quite easily but who have no culture and no brains. i have some culture and brains but it hides behind some provincial, awkward mannerisms from my parents and you would never know unless you spoke to me -- and listened. sometimes it is hard for people to hear what they cannot see. there is a scene in john steinbeck's east of eden in which lee, a chinese servant, begins speaking perfect english but then stops when somebody can't understand him - then he remembers to do what he normally does, speak in pidgin english. people expect pidgin english of him so much that they actually can't understand him if he doesn't speak it. this may sound far fetched, but i notice this happening often in life. i also at some point got a pair of glasses that looked like the glasses several african intellectuals wore when they spearheaded attempts to decolonize. this one pair of glasses did more than all my reading of black authors, thought about race in america and elsewhere, or community gardening in mostly black ghettos, ever did to enable the black community to embrace me. as soon as i got those glasses i was in --. then again, maybe it was all my work that enabled me to know the perfect sign to signal.i noticed that you said you keep to yourself. i don't know your reasons for that and i respect that they might be very complex and deep. my basic instinct is to question it however, since even the most flawed, sinful human beings can really help you through some difficult times, not to mention making the fun times more fun. by not traversing the barrier created by their prejudices about you, you are sadly missing out on this warmth. but - i do respect you might have other and super important reasons you don't want to traverse the gap. and if that is so i would recommend you attempt to change your image to something that will be less affronting (NOT less beautiful...). for example, the old feeble man does not have a problem staying alone. there are certain cultural roles that you can tap into that would enable you to be, for example, a "loner" and make others more sympathetic. you can do the most simple gestures - a leather jacket and red lipstick - to tap into a role that others will respect and let you just be.
i don't think this sort of thing is demeaning. i think it is necessary for survival and it is also important to the cultural imaginary. you are creating an image in the minds of the people around you and that image, composed of your appearance, but also your speech and style, is going to mean something to people and they are going to react to that meaning. once you get into it, its quite fun. but first you have to accept the ground rules of the collective unconscious which is often determined by things like hollywood movies that maybe you would rather ignore. but we can't. anyway: i also wanted to say this. you also have inner beauty and it is not being recognized or appreciated by the women in your office, but it can be. i hope you find the way to let your inner beauty shine through (and it might not be the pretty exterior that does it, but for example, something like dinah's quizzical expression - something that comes from deep inside and charms the outside - and you have those things).hmmmmm ... as to my problems.. i think i also have this vague/ cerebralness that drives people who are more down to earth crazy. then i get the dingy blond stereotype. and then weirdest of all i find people most annoyed if i subvert that stereotype by just being myself, and talking about philosophy or art or something i'm interested in. my trouble is that certain girls become extraordinarily angry when guys prefer me to them.. more specifically, i just moved abroad and some of my boyfriend's girl friends are not pleased to meet me. i am trying to figure out how to prevent jealousy from girls by reaching out more or being more actively inviting or self-defining. a lot of times i really like these girls, EXCEPT the bizarre catty behavior they display about men - and towards me - .
anyway sorry this is so long, and i hope it was at all helpful, even if merely to let you know you are not alone in worrying about this sort of thing.
all you other ladies sound wonderful and fun! but i am sad - i think phoenix girls concerns got lost - its true phoenix girl: you are not so chatty and chill, you have a prickly intelligent manner, and you may come off too judgmental - . but i like it. keep going and you will find the style that compliments and protects you in every situation.
poster:capricious
thread:306196
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20071130/msgs/801708.html