Posted by Racer on April 4, 2007, at 17:11:49
In reply to Re: Delusional thinking? » capricorn, posted by Declan on April 4, 2007, at 16:57:24
Declan said nearly exactly what I was going to. That might save you the trouble of reading this...
If you feel invalidated by this friend, then you feel invalidated by her. Period. It's about how you feel. That doesn't necessarily mean that your friend has invalidated you -- no one else can make you feel anything. It does, however, indicate that you might not be getting what you need from this relationship.
My advice? Decide if you're needing something which maybe isn't quite appropriate -- I need a lot of reassurance, for instance, and I've learned that there are some people who will simply never be able to give it to me. I try not to ask them for it. Sometimes it's all about where you draw your boundaries, you know?
Otherwise, see if you get anything at all out of this relationship. Maybe it's one that you just don't want to pursue. I have one of those right now -- a good friend of mine died about two years ago, and her daughter periodically calls me with a new melodrama. Right now, it's OK. I can listen, offer what I think is good advice or a bit of sympathy, and then hang up. My guilt is assuaged, and it doesn't take too much out of me. If it turns bad in any way -- if my guilt goes up, rather than down, for example -- then I'll end it. I don't get enough out of it to feel bad about it, you know?
And maybe you really are having some distortion going on. Could there be something about this friend which intimidates you, thus setting you up to feel invalidated when she really does mean to be supportive? When you get a chance, and you're calm, it's worth thinking on that one for a bit.
As for what she's said to a friend? Um... I wouldn't plan to take that to the bank, you know? I have, in the past, said nice things, talked about how much I liked someone, simply because telling my true reaction wouldn't have been polite. I can usually find something I genuinely like about nearly everyone, so I'm not being untruthful, but I am spinning it...
Hope that helps.
poster:Racer
thread:746875
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20070322/msgs/746969.html