Posted by Fivefires on February 9, 2007, at 13:19:29
OK, FIRST OF ALL ...
AFTER LEFT TO ROT (FLYIN' W/O VISUALS, W/O GROUND CONTROL, & W/O CO-PILOT) ...
I'M PROB', WHAT DO U CALL IT(?) DECOMPENSATING?
SO, I JUST CAN'T TRY EDIT THIS POST ANY LONGER. PLS EXCUSE IF REPEAT MYSELF, OR HAVE CUT AND PASTED IN THE WRONG PLACE. JUST TO SEE WHAT I'VE CUT, I'LL PASTE IT HERE IN CASE I FORGOT TO PASTE IT DOWN THERE. YIKES!
This all began late Dec to early Jan w/ a rather huge increase in my level of anxiety. Did I already say this? As you can see, I'm rambling; I think a symptom of mental illness left untreated resulting in a near dysfunction state in which I'm still in!
THIS IS WHERE MEANT TO BEGIN:
The universe must be w/ me today because there's a strong determination running under my skin and I'm feelin' as cool as Bonnie Raitt, but damn I'm lookin' awful, I mean like I've been Mr.Billed to death! BTW, shall I go lookin' like I'm feelin' (OMG I'm not used to anyone seeing me looking this disheveled. This isn't me. This just is not me! This is me after I lost contact w/ P. P is ground control and co-pilot. Shall I prepare for the appt? Shall I go back stage and have my personal makeup and hair artists do their thing and put on a 'I'm Totally Functional & Cool Person' costume?
I had planned on posting this b4 read post on Med board re: Valium. After reading that, I'm feeling stronger. (Oh my .. worry re: further melt down .. always seems to accompany optimism these days .. well ok .. at least I'm aware what I may talk myself into.)
This is my plan ...
We all 'want' to trust out Ps, believe they are doing their very best to always keep us steady, especially to pull us up in a nose dive.
Today I'm going to give mine the benefit of doubt; I mean 'really drive it home' to the point P will take a good like at self and ask self if doing best can.
Think using this approach may get me the best results, especially as P appears to have taken on a bit of a 'G*d complex', and, I can sympathize w/ this occurring in their profession, but NOT w/ it going unchecked.
I want the best action taken to pull me up before I CAB (crashandburn). I've barely missed a mountain top and I've skimmed the tree tops (And yeah it's been painful!), but I am holding steady, as someone said earlier trying to remain calm, mostly mentally (I've had an bad physical decompensation.), to receive Ps thoughts on best course of action to pull up to proper altitude, a functional altitude, one in which I'm able to throw on a coat and jump in the car when my daughter calls re: grandson's 103degree temp, and not isolate, incapacitated here .. damn it!
If I feel 'P's ideas' are risky, I'm NOT goin' there! I'll hold steady and await P's freakin' idea #9, if that's what it takes not to CAB!
This afternoon I'm meeting w/ P, casemanager, T, and I'm blessed to have, geez .. brilliant but w/ both feet on the ground 'isn't a stretch' for a daughter, there also.
You may have noticed my post above re: BOM*X etc., well I've put that idea in my back pocket.
Butt, in my other back pocket, there's an appt scheduled w/ a diff' P 'outside the county system' in 2wks, to be used if needed.
Past month: Way increased anxiety reported either end of Dec or beginning Jan. A 'No! and that's it that's all' from P re: an anxiolytic increase or add-in prn benzo. So I've plummeted badly. P threw me a pitance of Vistaril a week and a half ago. I've done a couple little 'dry outs' here and there. I've used taurine and mag1:cal2. I've cried. I've not given a sh*t about personal hygiene. I've locked the door and turned up the music so only those w/ a key can enter 'my safe place'.
I've been rockin' steady, keeping all stress at bay, reminding myself about faith.
As per a phone conversation yesterday, P wants me to begin Lexapro. (And yes, it's a 'No!' to alteration of benzodiazepine therapy. Or, .. at least it has been.) Of course P is not taking me off the 30mg Valium a day I've been on 2yrs now since the nervous breakdown which occurred 2yrs ago after the cold turkey d.c. of Klonopin and the accompanying anniversary of my best friend.
We did discuss Lexapro two months ago. At that time I'd have had no fear. Butt, I've experienced the anxiety some of the SSRIs can elicit, and NOW, AFTER BEING IN THIS LONG NOSE DIVE, there's no way I'm able to carry a heavier load of anxiety! What to do?
OMG that was long .. I'm so sorry!
5f
poster:Fivefires
thread:731407
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20070209/msgs/731407.html