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Re: Deneb » Deneb

Posted by Kath on January 14, 2007, at 16:17:43

In reply to Re: Deneb » one woman cine, posted by Deneb on January 11, 2007, at 14:47:35

**********Dear Deneb - Wow - look at how open you're being in the copy of your post below. I see (as I saw in a post of yours not too long ago) what seems like a more open mature way of really LOOKING at things! I think congratulations are in order for this. Please continue to read my comment below..*******

> I don't know why. I just feel trapped. I feel like my life is ruined because I'm probably on academic probation now. I OD to cope. I dunno. I think I want to get sick and go to the hospital again. I think I like the attention and caring responses.
>
> I think I'm trying to elicit a caring response from people and I'm trying to escape life.
>

**************so far so good as to insight, openness, etc. Please continue..****

> I'm a horrible person. ********No you're not! Sounds more like you're trying to get your needs met. What's so darned horrible about that? OK maybe it's not the best way to go about getting your needs met, but the fact that you could LOOK at it & analyze it & Jeez - admit it!!! I hope you're proud of that....I think you should be proud of that! If you've OD'd or thought about it or played with it before, then it's the way you're used to thinking/acting. It could be a 'knee-jerk' response - you feel that way; this is how you've reacted before; you react this way out of habit. Well there are different ways of reacting & you can learn them. I suspect there's a therapist or counsellor on campus? If so, I hope you enlist their help. They're used to students' problems, stresses, etc.

As to your Mom, sounds like she's from not only a different generation, but a different cultural background. Have you seen the movie The Joy Luck Club? It's a pretty wrenching movie, but it's pretty amazing also. About Moms & Daughters. I'm just a white/been-in-Canana-for-a couple of generations woman, but even so, the difference in how my Mom looked at things (when she was alive) & how I look at things & how my daughter looks at things is striking. Add coming from a different cultural background into the 'cooking pot' & things get really complicated. I suggest watching The Joy Luck Club if you haven't already seen it. Get the old Kleenex box ready though - when my daughter & I watched it, it was a 26-tissue movie!!!!!!!!!!! I just think it might make a little clearer how having a Mom from a different culture from the one you're living in, can be really hard.

I doubt you're lazy Deneb. You sure aren't lazy for missing a few classes!!!
But hey! - even if you WERE lazy, being lazy isn't the most heinous crime on the face of the Earth. Being mean is a lot worse & you're sure not mean!!!!!

You haven't ruined your Life. So - what if you mucked up a year of your life. What if you had to repeat a year of your schooling? OK - keep track of how much money your parents would have "wasted" on that year. Write it down. Later, even some years later, you can pay them that money back.

It might be feeling frustrating for your Mother to know that they've payed a certain amount of money for your education & to perceive that you're not doing what SHE might have done if she had that opportunity. Parents - or a lot of us - have a bad habit of expecting our kids to do what we WANT them to do - or what we MIGHT do if we were in their situation. Then we can judge them on THAT. Like giving your kid piano lessons without even really finding out if they even particularly WANT piano lessons......and then being righteously upset that they aren't practising very much & don't even seem to care! That type of thing.

Anyway, I wish you the best & I hope that you can learn that it's OK to screw up sometimes. Who among us is perfect????

There's a superb book called, "When I Say No I Feel Guilty". It is a GREAT book. It's probably available from the library. I think it'd be good for you to broswe...even if you only read the "Assertive Bill of Rights" at the front.

The other thing is this: there's a method called 'fogging' I think it's called. When somebody is ranting or whatever, you can pick something from what they're saying that's true, or might be true & acknowledge it. I think it might help in talking with your Mom. But it might not also!!! LOL I was thinking that after her rant you could say, "Hey Mom, I can see how you might see me as being lazy, and how that would be really upsetting for you. I'm going to go away right now & think about it. If I find it true, I'm going to see what I can do about it. But this much I know, Mom. That the more you are upset with me like this about it, the harder it is for me to deal with it & improve. I don't mean any disrespect, but I need to deal with this calmly." or something like that. Obviously I don't know her....something like that might make her say, "HA!!! So you admit it!!!!" or whatever!!

Anyway Deneb. I hope you can stop beating yourself up in various different ways...either by ODing or berating yourself. You - like ALLLLLL of us - are not perfect. Nor are you in any danger of BEING perfect any time soon, if you're like most of us!!! It seems to me like you're a nice person; a caring person; a sensitive person. Those are important things.

I send you biggie hugs, luv, Kath

 

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