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why does it seem to me like everyone here is well?

Posted by leo33 on January 11, 2007, at 18:27:40

I read the posts often and have for years since 1998. Everyone seems to get by with money, work (maybe not continuously but keep working and able to find jobs), have relationships like being married or girlfriend/boyfriend, be able to get on disability if needed, have housing, some have kids, converse alot and are active in this community, generally have good fight in them to survive it seems, etc...
Nice run on sentence I know.

I have not been able to hold job for more than 6 months at one time in 10 years. Have not had a girlfriend in 11 years. Been bankrupt in 2002. Started massage therapy school last year and did not finish, now have more debt i can't pay. On welfare and have problems complying with that. Tried to go on disability in 2003 and got turned down, did not have the energy to fight it. My car is on verge of breakdown and can't afford to fix and now over the inspection limit because I will fail with the problem. Totally dependent on Mom and Dad at age 39. I got charity care to go to outpatient clinic but even if they do find a med that works, I won't be able to afford it.

Contacted Binder and Binder to get help to go on disability, they have yet to approve helping me.
Pdoc says it will be hard to get disability cause they expect you to do some type of work. I can't do the computer work I use too and doubt I would be responsible or able to do low end work without someone holding my hand. Everyone looks at me and does not see a problem but there obviously is.

Have been diagnosed with (over the years) Major Depressive Disorder Recurrent, Atypical Depression, Bipolar 2, Dual Diagnosis since I sometimes smoke pot to combat my diseases, Avoidant Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dependent personality disorder / co-dependent, nicotine addiction, Anxiety Disorder (social phobia, GAD, Panic attacks).

I just don't understand why I am so helpless and unable to get motivated. Why can't they just give you euthynasia because I am obviously a burden to the system and myself? Can't they spare the suffering.

I just can't seem to help myself, thanks for listening anyway.

God bless,




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