Posted by TexasChic on December 12, 2006, at 21:35:27
Monday I took this training class at work. The instructor had us go around the room and tell our names, the department we're from, ect. When it got to me I said my name and said I was in Visual Merchandising. The instructor goes, "What?" I repeat, "Visual Merchandising." He repeats, "What?" I repeat, "Visual Merchandising." He repeats, "What?" I repeat, "Visual Merchandising." He points at his glasses and says "Visual?" At this point I'm getting panicky and wondering, "Am I saying it wrong and don't know it?" I then got this weird rushing sound in my head and felt a little faint. It was weird, but I know it was anxiety driven. He then says, "What is Visual Merchandising, I never heard of that". I looked around for help because at this point I couldn't even think of how to explain it. Somebody finally tells him.
So that was my start to this class. I eventually calm down and go on with the rest of the class. Near the end we have a group project to do, which I do with the 3 girls around me. Everything was fine, we wrote our notes on the big pad of paper, decided what we would say, then we sat around and talked the rest of the time. At one point I was like, are we the only one's who are done? I hope we did enough. Finally everyone finishes and it comes time for our presentation. I tell one girl I'll do the second half if she does the first. So she says fine, and gets up aand says her speil. She does fine and acts no different than when just the few of us were sitting around talking. Then its my turn. I walk to the front of the class thinking, "We didn't really plan this very good, I'm just going to have to wing it". So I get up there, look at everyone and think, "Oh crap! I didn't realize I was going to be so nervous!" I start my part - I get lost in the middle but keep talking - I realize at one point I don't even know what I just got through saying - I feel myself flushing and hear that rushing sound in my head again - and finally I finish and everyone claps. Whew!
So then the instructor goes, "You stepped out of your comfort zone didn't you?" I was like, "Um yeah, I guess". Then he tells me I did a good job and has everyone clap again because I stepped out of my comfort zone. At this point I'm going, what on earth did I look like up there? I obviously didn't look at ease! But oh well, I got through it.
Later in the cafeteria one of the other girls from my group comes up to me and says hi, and tells me I did a really good job and she could have never done that sort of thing. It made me feel better. I realized not only was she more scared than I was, but I kind of subconciously voluteered because I sinced the other two would be too shy. So I felt better, but I still can't help but wonder what I must have looked like up there!
Okay, that's one moment, here's another. I was going with my co-worker upstairs to talk to someone in another department, and I've got on this pair of high heel boots that are pretty freaking high as far as I'm concerned. I'm wearing them because I'm trying to branch out and look professional and everything, plus I just like how they look. So as we're coming back down the stairs we're talking and I'm holding onto the rail. I have to walk down stairs slow anyway since I have a tendency to trip and fall on my face, so with these heels I was being extra careful. I kind of wobbled a little bit and overreacted by quickly clamping down on the rail. I can feel myself shaking (I hate when I shake, people always look at me like I'm a freak). My co-worker sees all this and says in a kind but knowing voice, "So, are you afraid of heights?" I told her no, I just kind of get verdigo going downstairs. Then I say its also because of the heels I'm trying to get used to. I said something else I can't remember before I start thinking, "Why am I telling her all this? Stop talking already!" Finally I shut up and get down the stairs.
Afterwards I realize I had a similar experience with another girl not too long ago, and told her the same vertigo thing. So now everyone probably thinks I have this weird verdigo problem with stairs. I'm the weird verdigo girl! I the weird, shaking, vertigo girl!
I wasn't lying about the verdigo, I really do experience it a little. But I know its because I'm letting myself get anxious about going down the stairs, and if I try not to think about it I'll be okay. I just blurt out these things sometimes when I'm nervous.
So anyway, those are my recent high anxiety moments. Everyone around me seems so confident all the time, it makes me feel like a total weirdo. But I guess its progress. I'm trying instead of hiding. I guess I'm okay with that.
-T
poster:TexasChic
thread:713067
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20061208/msgs/713067.html